And finally, one of the more credible theories for pole shift revolves around something called the Jupiter Wind. Though it sounds like a particularly hackish John Grisham novel, it refers to the influence of Jupiter’s “winds” on the Earth’s magnetic field. Astrophysicist Frances Bagenal has shown that “magnetospheres of rapidly rotating planets with strong magnetic fields [e.g., Jupiter and Saturn] are dominated by rotation, while the solar wind controls the plasma flow in smaller magnetospheres of slowly rotating planets [e.g., Earth].” This just means that Earth’s magnetic field isn’t large enough to be completely independent, so a huge factor of its stability is outside influence, namely the sun.
And here comes that troublesome date again, 2012: Not only is it the next cycle of solar magnetic activity, but it also takes place in a window where Jupiter, the Earth, and the sun are all in perfect alignment. Jupiter’s self- generated electromagnetic field is normally pushed into the far reaches of the solar system by the constant solar wind; with Earth blocking the sun’s influence, Jupiter’s magnetic field would respond to the lack of pressure from the sudden absence of solar winds by sending a massive surge of its electromagnetism in the direction in which that pressure was blocked. That’s Earth.
Think of it like this: You’re a skinny asthmatic nerd child (with a weakened magnetic field), already extremely prone to beatings on the best of days, but today you’ve accidentally picked a fight with the biggest, baddest motherfucker on the playground (that’s Jupiter). As long as the teacher is watching, exerting an external pressure on both of you, you both keep to yourselves. Your magnetic field (in this analogy that’s your face) remains intact only because the teacher is suppressing the bad motherfucker. Now the teacher leaves for a smoke break, creating a sudden lack of restraint in the behemoth, and he’s pointing right at you… with his fist (or the Jupiter Wind).
Now we have a space tsunami hitting a weakened magnetic field from one side at the same time that the Earth is under assault by the powerful solar winds generated by the sun’s own pole shift on the other side. It’s a perfect storm that batters the Earth with unbelievable force and could potentially wipe out our planet’s weakened magnetic field instantly. So let’s go back to our metaphor one last time: You’re a weak, feeble child, and the teacher is nowhere to be seen. What is to be seen, however, is the giant fist (or electromagnetic wave) hurtling at your face. You cannot dodge this fist; you can only take the hit and all of its consequences. That would be bad enough, but hey, you’ll live, right? Well, no, because this time a miracle happens: This time an errant delivery van (in the form of solar storms) comes careening through the playground fence and heads straight for the bully. As the bully swings his fist at you, the van slams full speed into the elbow of his punching arm, sending the already devastating blow at you with unimaginable force (both solar storms and Jupiter winds hitting simultaneously). Due to freak coincidence, you’re no longer just getting punched; now you’re getting punched with a truck.
Now that we know we can’t avoid it, we should at least know some of the expected consequences. For starters, because a pole shift can happen in stages, we could have a series of temporary magnetic poles wandering the Earth at random. So not only would people have no idea where north is, but even more confusingly, there could be multiple norths. Obviously this would play havoc with all modern navigation, and anything relying on compass directions would be little better than a confused, lost male stereotype, unable to ask directions even if they wanted to.
This means that all migrating animals would also lose their direction, which could lead to such wacky scenarios as Canada geese migrating to the Bahamas for the summer! And the subsequently less wacky following side effects of that migration:
The total extinction of Canada geese.
Reversal of the Earth’s magnetic field would also affect the electrical conduction of the Earth’s molten outer core, which in turn might lead to heretofore unseen volcanic activity. It wouldn’t necessarily lead to supervolcanoes, but everything that might be about to erupt would immediately do so. The shift could also act as a catalyst for earthquake activity, but really, at this point? It’s just showing off. Everybody’s already on fire or flying their planes into the ground. You don’t have to be a dick about it, geomagnetic field.
Kicking you while you’re down, then putting you down lower while continuing to kick you, then burying you and digging you back up just to kick you some more.
But hell, even if we survive the Earth self-destructing, the magnetic field can have serious effects on the human body all by its lonesome.
With our atmospheric shield down, all the harmful space particles are allowed through at full strength. Gamma rays, cosmic rays, and solar radiation will all come blasting right in and—aside from sounding like ammunition for supervillain weaponry—all of these particles have one thing in common: They’re potentially deadly. They can cause genetic mutation, cell death, and cancer in any and every little thing, just by their mere presence. So when the pole shift happens, we will no longer have any defenses left against the cancer-causing, DNA-mutating particles from outer space spawned by the cosmic forces plotting our demise. OK, so that may be a bit overblown; space doesn’t necessarily
And remember those wacky Canada geese who basically lost themselves out of existence? They did that because they have extremely small amounts of a mineral called magnetite that syncs their brains with the magnetic field, thus giving them their sense of direction. What other animals have this same direction-giving mineral in their brains? Why, you do! One researcher, focused on the effects a changing magnetic field can have on the human body, found that by varying the strength of or entirely removing the magnetic fields from her subjects, serious coordination problems arose. The subjects immediately became disoriented and clumsy, falling down more easily. They couldn’t even complete simple body tasks, like touching their fingers to their noses or standing on one foot. Some became motion sick, and all reported serious difficulty concentrating.
The decreasing magnetic field, the one we’re living with now, could very well have similar, if not more profound, effects. After all, the subjects in this study were subjected to weakened fields for only a short time, whereas the real pole shift could take hundreds of years to complete. How many generations of a stumbling, half- retarded human population tripping comically down stairways can occur before we, as a species, just cease to exist? It could be death for us all. Death, by mass pratfall. But hey, on the plus side, if there is an America left after all of this,
BIOTECH THREATS
The fear of an apocalypse triggered by biotechnology is perhaps the most immediate concern out there: Genetic manipulation, biological weapons, and superdrugs set off the panic response like little else, and the risk seems to be becoming more real by the day. But what would need to happen for the worst-case scenario—a worldwide, man-made biological apocalypse—to actually come to pass?
First, you would need incentive, some benefit tempting enough for the masses to risk the very fibers of their being by introducing manipulated genes into their own systems. You’re probably not going to be game for freebasing possum blood unless you get something pretty cool in return. Free cable, at the least.
Second, you would need contagion, a way for these genes to spread from person to person, or otherwise propagate. While it may suck for you, personally, to have your mind taken over by telepathic heroin, if it doesn’t affect everybody it’s just back-page news.
Finally, you would need lethality: Because, well, it’s just not the apocalypse unless everybody dies.
15. BIOTECH INCENTIVE
