Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody

plant matter into buckets and let it ferment into alcohol. Alcohol that could do everything they hoped: Be distilled into gasoline, sowed as fertilizer, burned as cooking fuel, or just drunk by the filthy, dirt-tasting bucketful. Their bioengineered K. planticola would create a beautiful, Eden-like garden paradise.

So it was all with the intent of doing good that they engineered this microbe, but you know what they say about “the best intentions,” don’t you? That’s right: They inevitably result in pestilent, humanity-destroying plagues.

Biotech Scientists

“What if we could use plant waste as fertilizer?”

“Yeah, and what if we power our cars on it?”

“Hey, yeah! And what if we could get fucked up on it too?!”

“…”

“I think you might have a problem, Ted.”

See, it was that fertilizer part where things got, shall we say, fucking horrifying: Once the fermentation process necessary to turn that dead plant material into alcohol occurred, the sludge left over would be rich in nitrogen and other such beneficial substances, making it an ideal fertilizer. The plan was to spread this sludge fertilizer back on the fields, thus eliminating all waste from the whole process.

An Exchange from Utopia

“Honey, did you mow the lawn yet?”

“Fuck yes, baby. Where you think I got this weed whiskey?”

“I love our perfect lawn, darling!”

“I love free booze!”

The big problem? The fermentation process didn’t kill the modified K. planticola—it was still there, ready to turn dead plant material into alcohol.

The bigger problem? It didn’t even wait until the plants were dead to start.

The normal K. planticola bacterium results in a benign layer of slime on the living root systems it inhabits, but the engineered version would also be producing alcohol in this slime—with levels as high as seventeen parts per million, and anything beyond one or two parts of alcohol per million is lethal to all known plant life. So the engineered K. planticola basically gives all plant life it touches severe alcohol poisoning, putting them more than ten times over the lethal limit of fucked up. Like a frat house during pledge week, K. planticola would force all new plants it encountered to drink well beyond their reasonable limits. But unlike frat-house rushes, it’s not just freshman idiots who are affected, it’s everybody. So maybe that analogy isn’t entirely accurate: It’s more like a bleak dystopian future where frat houses rule the world with a tyrannical fist, hazing and beer-bonging humanity into the grave. Because, you’ll remember, K. planticola is present in all plant life.

Every species.

Every variety.

Poisoned.

To death.

Now those wonderful traits that made it such a good candidate for modification in the first place—its notorious aggressiveness and near omnipresence—are no longer such good things, are they? Because if there’s one thing you really don’t want your poison to be, it’s “notoriously aggressive.” And if there’s one place you absolutely do not want your “notoriously aggressive poison” to be, it’s everywhere.

Keep in mind that this was not a theoretical scenario, far-flung, fictional, and unlikely to ever actually occur. This bacterium was going to be released; it had all of the necessary approval. It was only a matter of proper marketing and shipping at this point. It was only by virtue of a random review by an independent scientist (Dr. Elaine Ingham, a professor at Oregon State University and possibly the savior of all mankind) that it was caught in time.

How the fuck could this possibly happen? How did the leading biotech researchers of the day not realize that they had engineered a bacterium that would kill all plant life it touched? Did they not test it on any, y’know, plants?!

Well, for all intents and purposes: No, they didn’t.

See, the Environmental Protection Agency was the only overseer for all biotech releases, and their policy was to test new bacteria in sterile soil. The problem here being that the real world is not sterile; it is the antithesis of sterile. The whole point of sterility is to zap all normal, unexpected elements out of a sample environment so that the scientists can see its effects in a pure, untainted environment. They deemed the modified K. planticola to be safe in sterile soil, but apparently just totally forgot that its intended use was in the fucking dirt, which is a notoriously dirty place, isn’t it?! Luckily, Ingham and her group took it upon themselves to study the bacteria in a more realistic scenario, using normalized samples of unsterile soil and three different sample groups. There was a group absent of K. planticola entirely, a group with the normal K. planticola present, and a group with the genetically modified K. planticola in it. They planted wheat seeds in all three groups, and then let it sit for a week. When they came back they found the first two groups doing fine, while all the crops from the GM sample were dead.

Excerpt from EPA Protocol Manual

If your dirt is dirty, make sure to take all of the dirt out of the dirt before you test the dirt.

Dead in less than a week.

If released from the lab—which, I cannot stress enough, it very nearly was—the modified K. planticola would have spread worldwide in a matter of months, killing all plants it touched within a week, and turning all soil-based plant life into sweet, sweet liquor. Like a twisted hillbilly fantasy, the world really very nearly drowned in moonshine.

CURRENT THREATS

A lot of speculation about the apocalypse is based in the worries of an uncertain future: Will that meteor hit us? What new threats will technology bring? What crazy diseases will we fight in the future?

But there’s no need to wait to get that sick fear-fix you so desperately desire!

There’s plenty of shit going down right now that may already be wiping the human race off the face of the Earth as we speak! Don’t dwell in the future or the past, friends! After all, the reason they call it “the present” is because every day is a gift! A terrible gift that you most certainly should not unwrap. (If you shake it, it sounds a lot like genocide.)

3. FRANKENCROPS