Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody

• Basketball

• “Yo momma” jokes

• Starting wars

Things Canadians Are Questionable At

• Wrangling tornadoes

Assuming they don’t immediately bring forth the wrath of God for usurping his powers, a ring of turbines on the ground would both maintain ideal tornado conditions (perpetually pumping warm air in a circular motion) and also do double duty in harvesting all that energy, just like windmills. The AVE generating facility would be a low, squat building surrounding a giant cylindrical tube that’s open to the sky. The artificial tornado would emanate from this tube, with only the lower part contained by the structure. Essentially, the large, flat ring and containment wall would look like the stand of a trophy, with the trophy itself being a several-kilometers-high twister. If it helps you to picture it, just think of it as a giant award for World’s Scariest Building.

Its inventor, Canadian scientist Louis Michaud, says the AVE would also serve to stabilize the localized weather around it—maybe even facilitating rainfall by assisting the transportation of ground moisture to cloud level.

Win, win, and win, right? Farmers get drought protection, the world gets energy, and metalheads get a new thing to watch instead of laser light shows!

At its heart, it’s the same principle as conventional wind farms, and those seem pretty quaint and harmless, right? The chief difference here is that conventional wind farms consist of giant pinwheels in rolling green fields capturing the essence of a gentle summer breeze, while the AVE is a gargantuan black tower in the center of a dry lakebed in Utah topped by a giant, artificial, eternal typhoon. You read correctly. This isn’t mere theory. There is actually a working prototype of the AVE. It was built solely as a proof of concept, so the whirlwind it generates is not kilometers high and the energy it reaps is insignificant, but it does work! The rest of it is just a matter of scale now. Oh, and just to mix things up a bit, the experimental AVE tower is also used to generate something called Fire Spirals, presumably just in case Harry Potter tries to meddle in your whole “eternal whirlwind” plan.

The most likely locations for a finished tower will be in the temperate northern hemisphere (like the northern United States, southern Canada, and most Western European nations), because the height of the troposphere there drops to a measly seven kilometers. Provided that a tornado can be prompted to reach that high, the natural difference in atmospheric pressures between the anchor point and top of the twister should help to maintain the vortex. So really, if you just have a large enough base unit installed somewhere in the north that supplies the occasional burst of circulated hot air, you should have a fully functioning domesticated whirlwind. One that is theoretically kept fully in check behind its tiny containment wall, despite the funnel rising ten kilometers into the sky into space.

Other Potential Uses for the AVE Tower

• Collecting storm data in a controlled environment

• X-treme kite testing

• Murdering hang gliders

Uh… theoretically.

Nobody’s ever actually, y’know, made a tornado their bitch before, and anything from a high wind to a warm spell might theoretically cause the twister to jump the wall and go rampaging away—free to wreak a terrible vengeance upon mankind for their arrogant attempts to confine it. Louis Michaud is an engineer, not a meteorologist, so just to be on the safe side he recommends that the AVE be built away from populated areas—as he says, “just in case.” And when a man proposes to build a machine that creates tornados, “just in case” is the last thing you want to hear from him. That shit would worry Dr. Doom. There is simply no place for a “just in case” when you consider that the AVE is not actually a self-sustaining power plant; it’s an addition to a power plant. The warm air the AVE needs would be cast off from already existing power stations, so the idea is to supply every power plant in the world with an Atmospheric Vortex Engine… including the nuclear ones.

Especially the nuclear ones.

And if you think the prospect of a nuclear tornado in every major city in the world doesn’t sound like an “end of the world” scenario to you… well, good for you, Batman. Put down the fucking book and go do something useful, like fight crime. Your giant, fearless balls are wasted here.

THE FUTURE OF SOLAR POWER

Solar power reaps the very rays of the mighty sun, but it does it too passively. You just lay out a panel and let it get warm. That’s boring and, unless you throw some tits and a bikini on said panel, pretty unsexy. Well, no longer! Thanks to space-based solar power systems—or, as their friends call them, Barely Controlled Orbital Death Rays—the future of solar power is as awesome as it is insane. Everything else about the SBSP is like duct-taping Awesome to the back of Badass and then deep-frying it all in some “Fuck Yeah.” SBSP refers to a satellite in permanent orbit that basically collects energy from the sun and then fires it back to Earth in the form of giant lasers from outer space.

“Giant Lasers from Outer Space” Sounds Like:

• A B-grade Japanese monster movie

• A folk-rock circus troupe

• A Talking Heads album

• A frightening prospect

The chief advantage of SBSP is that there’s no diurnal rotation to worry about—no alternating periods of day and night that effectively cut the energy-gathering time in half, because it’s always sunny in space. And that’s great! That’s just the kind of optimism you don’t often hear when referring to lasers fired from an irradiated, vacuous void. Way to think positive, SBSP!

An American company named Solaren says they have a plan for a fully functioning SBSP station with available technology, and they’re not the only ones: A private Indian corporation has thrown its hat into the ring, as has the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA). Any number of entities expect to have working prototypes circling the Earth in the near future, firing buckets of sweet, hot, lasery goodness into the mouths of naughty, subservient little power stations all across the globe. And while these stations will be strictly limited to remote locations like deserts and mountaintops at first (which is pretty much like saying “just in case” again), the SBSP companies do expect to expand the operations globally. The JAXA in particular sees a future where power needs would be accessed “along much the same lines as a cell phone call,” and you’d simply “put in a request” to have power harvested from the sun itself fired at your exact location from orbital lasers in outer space, thus enabling you to either jump-start your dead car battery or hold an entire city for ransom, depending on your needs and moral flexibility. So if you were concerned before about stuff like radiation from your cell phone, or living beneath power lines, you might want to start subscribing to Bunkers and Canned Food Monthly, because unfortunately, that homeless guy in front of the library was right: Soon we actually might all be softly microwaved from the inside out by Japanese space lasers.

But the JAXA’s microwave lasers aren’t even the scariest of the planned systems, and that’s why we’re mainlining some Solaren. As mentioned, Solaren is a California-based power company that hopes to launch solar panels into space. What was not mentioned previously is that these solar panels are more than a kilometer wide, and would ideally channel hundreds if not thousands of megawatts of energy once operational. The principal electric company of the state of California, the Pacific Gas and Electric Company, in a sign of either optimism or proof that they’ve given in to space-based solar terrorist demands, has agreed to purchase all of this energy if Solaren does