Mortal Fear

SARAH› Well… fatherly, I guess. Strong. Strong but fair. Just.

LEVON› Why not motherly? Was your mother not just, Sarah?

SARAH› Of course she was.

LEVON› But…? She wasn’t strong?

SARAH› She was strong. In her way. But

LEVON› But what?

SARAH› Not strong like a father. Not strong enough to protect me.

LEVON› Protect you from what? From your father, perhaps?

SARAH› What are you trying to do?

LEVON› I didn’t mean to offend you, Sarah. But sometimes I sense things. Pain. I sense pain now. In you I sense something dark. Hurtful. No one likes to think about those spiritual cubbyholes, but we all have them. I would make God very different than you would, Sarah. I would make God a woman. A mother. A strong mother. Strong enough to make up for the weakness of fathers. Strong enough to _defy_ fathers. There are women like that in the world.

SARAH› Was your mother like that?

LEVON› No. My mother was like a silk veil in a strong wind.

“It is him,” Lenz whispers, his eyes glued to his monitor. “I remember something like that from your transcripts. Jesus.”

“Stay cool, Doctor.”

“We’ve got to trace him!”

“Baxter’s guys are taking care of that. I’m a hell of a lot more concerned about this woman he’s talking to.”

“He’s still got a zero error rate,” Lenz says. “He’s not close to her.”

“You’d better fucking hope not.”

“Quiet, Cole! We’re missing it!”

Suddenly a frightening thought hits me. I tap out a system search on the Toshiba and my fears are confirmed: Brahma isn’t using the Strobekker account. I grab Lenz’s arm. “Baxter’s techs can’t trace this connection! It’s not Strobekker’s account! They don’t know what to look for. Call EROS right now and give them the new alias and the name of the room!”

Lenz hits a speed-dial button on the nearest phone. I read as fast as I can to catch up with the text that appeared while we were talking.

LEVON› My name is not Levon, Sarah.

SARAH› I know that.

LEVON› Would you like to know my real name?

SARAH› I don’t know. You frighten me a little. I like talking to you. But you see too much. I’m afraid you want too much.

LEVON› Too much what?

SARAH› Honesty.

LEVON› How can one want too much honesty, Sarah?

SARAH› You know what I mean. It’s not human nature. We need little white lies. To get along with each other.

LEVON› And to get along with ourselves?

SARAH› Is that so terrible?

LEVON› Doesn’t God demand total honesty, Sarah?

SARAH› That’s different.

LEVON› How?

SARAH› God is God. He accepts us no matter what. He forgives us.

LEVON› I would accept you no matter what.

SARAH› That’s easy to say. But you don’t know. You don’t really know me.

LEVON› I don’t need to. Nothing you could possibly say or do would offend me.

SARAH› Are you so sure?

LEVON› Yes.

SARAH› But acceptance isn’t the same as forgiveness. You can accept someone but still be disappointed in them. You can live with them but never forgive them.

LEVON› Not me, Sarah. I’m not like that.

SARAH› How do you mean?

LEVON› In my eyes you could never do anything that required forgiveness.

SARAH› What do you mean?

LEVON› I mean whatever you could possibly think of doing, and then have will enough to carry through, that would be your nature. I would never wish you to go against your nature.

SARAH› But that’s crazy. That’s like saying everything is okay. What if I were a mass murderer? Or a rapist?

LEVON› I would accept you.

SARAH› But what if I were a child molester?

LEVON› I would fold you into my arms, Sarah. It’s not my duty to judge you. If that is your inclination, so be it. It is someone else’s biological imperative to stop you from molesting children. That duty belongs to the parent. And if a parent were to kill you for doing that, I would accept his or her behavior as well.

SARAH› But what if _I_ was the parent? The parent _and_ the molester? That happens, you know.

LEVON› Alas, it is the rule. But then it is the imperative of the other parent to stop it.

SARAH› But what if the other parent _can’t_ stop it? What if she’s too weak? What if she’s afraid?

LEVON› Your tears are scalding my heart. If someone is too weak, they either enlist help or they fail.

SARAH› Help? No one can HELP in situations like that! The police don’t DO anything.

LEVON› Who said anything about police? One should always look first inside oneself. That is where help lies.

SARAH› But what can a woman do in that situation? A weak woman? A woman who’s afraid of guns?

LEVON› Pour strong whiskey on the father’s face and torso while he is sleeping, then set him afire with a cigarette.

SARAH› My God. Did you just think of that?

LEVON› Yes. But I’m sure it’s been done many times. There are other ways. So much misery builds up in the world because people are afraid to act. They would rather endure. That is the nature of Homo sapiens. To endure unmitigated hell and hope that if we sit through enough of it things will change for the better. But they never do. Look at the Russian peasants. The Jews in Germany. The Armenians. One must be willing to risk everything at every moment for survival. And the more you have to lose, the more willing you must be to fight at a moment’s notice. If a man accosts you on the street, push him away. If he curses you, knock him down. If he is stronger than you and attacks you, shoot him.

SARAH› Are you really like that?

LEVON› I do not tolerate impudence. My father taught me that.

SARAH› Are you very rich?

LEVON› Yes.

SARAH› That explains it.

LEVON› NO! I am rich _because_ I have never taken abuse from anyone.

SARAH› I don’t know.