bolts. The edge of the Tupperware lid was keeping the toilet flapper from sealing. Tim had been clean for so long that the first moments after lifting the container out of the tank filled Julia with confusion. But after removing the lid, she?d felt her universe imploding as surely as if a black hole had swept into it.
She?d set the baggie on the kitchen table and simply stared at it for a while, shivering with anger and her sense of betrayal. But mostly she felt fear, because she hadn'?t seen any sign that Tim was using again. To stop her hands from shaking, she got out her crocheting needle and tried to crochet the way her grandmother had taught her, but her mind was unable to direct her fingers. So she waited, her gaze moving from the dope on the table to the clock on the stove, an endless motion of eyes that offered no solace.
Julia tenses now, listening for sound from the baby?s room. It?s 3:45 a.m., almost time for a feeding. She has preternatural hearing when it comes to her baby; Tim is constantly amazed by the things she picks up. It?s like she?s bound to the child by an invisible thread, a silken strand like a spider?s web, and if little Timmy moves, it pulls something down in Julia?s belly. She knows what that something is.
When you lose a child and God grants you another, you take no chances. She feels the same way about Tim, but on that score there isn?t a lot she can do. Someone has to stay with the baby. She?s been worried recently, but not about drugs?not for a long time. It infuriates her to think that she was afraid for Tim tonight. Before she found that baggie, she?d believed he was doing something about whatever he?d seen at work, and trying to protect her by not telling her details. But he?d been almost three hours late even then. She feels so stupid that she wants to tear out her hair or whip herself.
As if Penn Cage would stay out this late with Tim! Penn is home in bed with Libby Jensen, or somebody like her. Someone smart who can still laugh with innocence in her eyes, someone who has her shit together. Julia wonders briefly why Penn left Libby. Maybe Libby doesn?'t have her shit quite as together as she seems to. Maybe she doesn?'t really understand what?s important in life. Or maybe Penn just grew bored with her, the way men do.
Julia hadn'?t thought Tim was bored with her, but there?s the dope, right there on the table. What else could it mean? That he can?t cope? With what?
With happiness? With a loving wife and a beautiful son? This thought terrifies her. Julia once thought Tim was smarter than she, and he is, in book smartness. But what good is that when the issue is survival, as it has been for them? Julia?s common sense and fortitude have gotten them through some tough times. To sit facing the prospect of reliving the hell she thought long behind them is almost more than she can bear. She has gone from fury to terror and back a thousand times. The pills make her wonder about other women. A woman might push Tim back to using, if she was an addict, a woman from the boat, maybe?
An unfamiliar scraping sound brings Julia to full alertness, the yarn stretched taut between her fingers and the hook. That noise didn't come from the baby?s room?she?s sure of that. It sounded like someone raising the window in the guest room at the back of the house.
She swallows hard, then goes to the cabinet above the stove and takes down the pistol Tim stole from his father?s safe back when he was using. He?d tried to give it back later, but his father told him to keep it. The gun is heavy and black, but Julia grips it firmly in her flexed fist and tiptoes to the back of the house.
Terror hits her, gluing her bare feet to the floor. She can hear shoes moving behind the door. They creak as the intruder shifts his weight. Could it be the police? No?they would crash through the door. It might be another junkie, coming to steal Tim?s stash. When the window slides back down, Julia tightens her finger on the trigger and almost fires through the door.
She?s on the verge of bolting for the baby?s crib when she realizes that the intruder must be Tim, because there?s no light on in the guest room, yet the person inside is moving with assurance. She slides back three steps and aims the pistol at the door. If it opens and anyone but Tim appears, she will fire. She hears a muttered curse, and then the door opens.
Tim jerks as though he?s been hit with a cattle prod when he sees the gun pointed at his face. Then suddenly he is apologizing, begging her to forgive him. She?s so angry that she wants to shoot him, but her relief is even stronger.
?Where were you?? she cries in a squelched scream. ?It?s four in the morning!?
?Hey, hey,? he says soothingly, throwing some balled-up clothes onto the floor. ?It?s going to be all right now.?
?Bullshit!? she hisses. ?I almost shot you! You fucking liar! Liar liar LIAR!?
Tim?s forehead wrinkles with puzzlement. ?What are you talking about? I?'ve been with Penn, honey. You don'?t want to know more than that.?
Julia wipes her eyes with a quivering hand and looks at him the way she used to when she had to manage every moment of his life to keep him from sliding back into the abyss. She means to ask about the drugs, but what she says is ?Just with Penn??
Something in the quick blinking of his eyes tells her that whatever follows is going to be a lie. As she turns away, the fine cracks that have accumulated in her trust over the past weeks give way, and the true fragility of her existence is revealed. She stifles a wail, then goes to the kitchen cupboard and takes out a bottle of Isomil to heat on the stove.
She now knows that what she told herself after leaving her first husband was a lie.
If a man ever cheats on me again, I'?ll leave him in a second.
So easy to say, but with a baby in the nursery things get a lot more complicated.
?Julia?? Tim says awkwardly.
If he tries to approach her, she will move away to avoid smelling another woman on him. ?There?s something for you on the table,? she says coldly.
?Huh??
?The table!? She watches the gas flame glow at the edge of the pot.
?Oh, God,? Tim breathes. ?Julia??
?Mm-hm??
?It?s not what you think.?
?It?s not? That'?s not dope on the table? That'?s not Vicodin and cocaine??
?No. I mean?it is, yeah. You know it is.?
?Let me guess. It?s not yours, right? You?re just holding it for somebody.?
Hearing the floor creak, she holds up a hand to ward him off. He stops.
?Baby, I know what you think, but that stuff is part of what Penn and I are doing.?
Even Julia is surprised by the harshness of her laughter. ?Oh, right. I understand now. You and the mayor are using a bag of dope to save the city.?
There?s a brief silence. Then Tim says, ?Actually that?s about it. Penn doesn?'t know about that part of it, but it?s the only way. That'?s all I can really tell you now. Anything else would be dangerous. In a few days, though, I should be able to explain it to you.?
?If you?re not in jail, you mean??
Tim sighs in what sounds like exhaustion. ?I just wish you?d believe me. Haven?t I earned that yet??
Julia grips the pot handle with her shaking hands. Part of her wants to throw the hot water on him, to scald him for lying to her. But part of her wants to believe. Tim sounded like he was telling the truth about the drugs, and she truly hasn?'t seen any signs of his being high. But he?s lying about something?that she knows.
?Julia??
?You?re home now,? she snaps, her eyes locked onto the milk bottle warming in the pot of water. ?Whatever you?re doing, get it done, so we can get back to living.?
Tim keeps his distance. ?Okay.?
?All right,? she says, cutting off further discussion. ?Go get Timmy, please. You know what time it is. He?s going to start crying any second.?
