The Minotauress

But before the young dope could fully exit the room, something sparked in his feeble brain. 'Er, wait, sir. If I'se goin' with ya on yer trip... who's gonna keep an eye on the house and all yer val-yer-bulls?'

'That's a good question, Waldo, and very astute of you.' The old man's hand bid, first, the hanging girl and, second, the implements on the table.

'Ooooooh. I git it... '

'Um-hmm. And thank you for cleaning up the excreta.'

Waldo's jaw dropped. 'The what?'

'Just go finish packing.'

Waldo tramped back up the steps, hooting more exuberance.

Sniffing apple-cinnamon now, the old man upped the crematory temperature and donned a plastic apron and gloves. That's when the dowdy drug addict regained consciousness. Her sty-flecked eyes fluttered, then shot open to show dulled whites. Dazedly she looked at the old man, then looked around to see herself suspended from the chain. She looked back at the old man and shrieked.

The old man winced. He deplored loud, sudden noises. 'Please, miss. You won't benefit at all by that.'

'You old fuck!' she protested. 'You skinny piece of old shit!'

These protestations did not carry the typical southern accent the old man was used to; instead, it sounded more like Jersey or the Bronx. 'Flattery will get you nowhere,' he quipped.

'You tricked me! You were supposed to be a twenty-dollar trick! You-you-you... ' The dull eyes blinked in the pudgy face. 'You knocked me out!'

'I congratulate you on your perceptivity.'

She wriggled uselessly on the chain, which only caused her to sway back and forth, pendulum-like. A pendulum of ungainly human flesh with a LOVE DEPOSIT tattoo on a belly busted out with stretchmarks from untold trick babies. 'You spinach-chin motherfucker! I knew I shouldn't have gotten in the car with you! You look like my motherfucking grandfather, you dick-suck ass-lick psycho shit-suck ass-bag piss-slit ASS-motherfucking-HOLE!'

'You speak with the eloquence of queens, my dear.'

'And-and... you fucked me already, didn't you, you gray-haired bald shit! My pussy doesn't feel right! You fucked me while I was knocked out, didn't you, you sick cock?'

The old man couldn't resist. 'Young lady, I'd sooner admit my penis into the drain-hole of a ghetto dumpster than admit it into that horrific morass you call your vagina.'

She paused in an attempt to comprehend his words, then gave up. 'Just let me go, you shit-dick!'

The old man chuckled. 'I would estimate that such an event presents a very low order of probability.'

Her pasty bulk kept swinging. 'Where're my clothes!'

The old man's fine leather shoes tapped across the room's cement floor. He opened the hatch of the Ener- Tek IV crematory, showing the rows of white-hot liquid-propane nozzles kicking out 2,200 degrees.

'Regrettably, your attire was consigned to the flames... along with what I would approximate to be your last dozen or so meals.'

The girl shrieked again, so shrilly this time that the cords stood out in the old man's neck.

'Oh my God you crazy sick piece of shit! You're going to burn me alive!'

'Please, miss. I can't implore you more deeply. Be quiet. And, no offense intended'—the old man shook his head ruefully—'but your accent is killing me. And don't despair. I've no intention whatever of burning you alive,' and then he closed the hatch.

Her terror dropped down a notch, her flip-flopping on the chain retarding. She blinked repeatedly, cogs turning in the spoiled brain. 'Look, look—lemme think. Er, look, mister, I'm sorry I called you bad names—'

'Bad names?' The old man couldn't help but be amused. 'That's putting it a bit mildly, I'd say. Your language could stop the Devil in his tracks—'

'Look, look, listen... ' For the first time, her eyes appeared half-enlivened. 'I'll do anything you want, no shit. You ask any of those guys at the truck stop and they'll tell you I suck better cock than any girl working. I'll give you the best nut of your life—just let me go.'

'Please... '

'You wanna piss on me, shit on me?'

'I should think not.'

'Oh, I get it, you're one of those guys. You want me to shit on you—'

The old man grimly recalled the sheer volume of the feces that was now reduced to ash. 'Trust me, miss, even if I did desire to be so debased, I'm sure you're not up to it at the moment.'

'All right, all right,' she hurried, desperately assessing possibilities. 'I'll tongue your asshole and suck your balls at the same time—how about that? Or—hey!—I'll put my big toe up your ass and sit on your dick. Think about it, mister. I can really do that.'

The old man groaned. 'Really, miss, I've no interest in your debauched delights, I assure you. Your being abducted by me and my associate is an example of ill-fortune, I'm afraid, but such are the pitfalls of your profession, hmm? There's a fair share of disturbed people out there, and, plying this trade of yours, you could fall victim to any one of them: psychopaths, rapists, the sexually monomanic, the mentally ill. But at least you didn't fall into the clutches of one of them. Instead, consider yourself privileged. You've fallen into the clutches of an eccentric antiquary who also happens to be a sorcerer of some authority.'

She squirmed more on the chain now, but then stalled. 'Sorcerer? You're into, like, satanic shit, devil worship and all that?'

The old man's bushy gray brow rose. 'Indeed.'