The Minotauress

wouldn't fuck her with a dead man's dick.'

'Right, Ajax... '

'But I wouldn't mind peeing on her back.'

'I hear ya.'

They stumbled down the street, the water shimmering. 'Let's go to another bar,' Ajax suggested. 'The Dubliner! They got a red-haired commie cooze in there waiting tables who's as skinny as a white stringbean. You know who I'm talking about. She looks like Scully... only skinnier. Man, I'd suck the venereal warts right off her cervical wall.'

'I think it'd be better if I just drove you home now,' Dean suggested.

'Whatever.'

Eventually Dean guided Ajax to his car.

'Hey,' Ajax drunkenly recalled. 'There's one thing I forgot to ask you.'

'And what might that be?' Dean asked.

'What did you do with the slop?'

'Huh?'

'The rendering bilge.' Ajax wobbled against the passenger door. 'All those gallons and gallons of putrefied waste, pus, discharge, and rancid blood? What the hell did you do with it? You had to get rid of it somewhere, didn't you?'

Dean stood stock-still by the driver's door, keys hanging on his finger. It didn't even sound like his own voice when he answered:

'We dumped it. Down the old gypsum mine. Right behind—'

CHAPTER SEVEN

'—right behind Stoddard's Mill!' the old biddy wailed. 'That's where I saw it. This woman, buck nekit and black as the night, and she were standing there leadin' this monster by the hand! She were leadin' this monster down into the old mine shaft behind Stoddard's Mill. I knows it sure as I knows I saw my husband lose his legs in that tredder accident!'

'Now, now, Mrs. Codder,' Sergeant A.T. Lass appealed, patting the old woman's bony shoulder. 'We'll investigate thoroughly. Don't you worry one bit.'

'Well ya better!' she cracked back in her split-timber voice. '‘Cos there's somethin'... there's somethin' a blammed fucked up going on out there behind Stoddard's Mill!'

'We'll check it out presently, ma'am,' Lass' partner tonight, Oly Dodell, assured.

They left the wily old woman on the front step of her 14 x 64 Mini-Lux trailer, then stomped back to the DeSmet patrol car.

Dodell's crooked-toothed grin gaped over the top of the patrol car. 'What'cha think, Sarge? Ya think ya could fuck the old bitch in a pinch?'

Lass shot an outraged expression right back at Dodell. 'Come on, man! She's pushing ninety! Fuck, she looks like Granny on the Beverly Hillbillies.'

'Yeah,' Dodell agreed over the dopey shucks grin. 'But could ya fuck her? Like in a real pinch?'

Lass was an officer of the law, and the last people he needed to be lying to were his own men. He traced his hand up his crotch. 'Well... shit. Yeah, I guess I could. You know. In a pinch. I guess gash is pretty much gash when you get right down to it. One hairy hole is pretty much the same as another.'

'Damn right, Sarge, and I'm glad ya pointed that out.' Dodell slid into the passenger seat. They pulled away from the trailer. 'It's all about comin', not about what'cha come in, right?'

Lass cruised past rows of rusted trailers and tiny yards filled with junk. 'Well, yeah, I guess you could say that.'

'I ain't ashamed to admit, I've fucked a sheep or two in my time. You?'

'Of course not!' Lass replied, but this was a bold-faced lie. He'd spent his whole growin'-up days getting his willy off in any manner of farm animal. But there were some secrets that were personal, so denying it wasn't really a lie, not as far at A.T. Lass saw it. 'I ain't no pervert, Dodell.'

'But it's like you were just sayin', one hole's the same as another. Your dick don't give a shit, long as it gets ta squirt.' Dodell shrugged lackadaisically. 'Shit, I ain't ashamed ta say I've fucked a few fellas in my time, too. No difference between a man's ass and a gal's. I mean, don't get me wrong, I ain't no homo, but if there ain't no pussy around, a man's bunger gets the job done just as pretty as you please.'

Lass' face crinkled up. 'You're shitting me?'

'Sure am not, Sarge. And I ain't ashamed. I've fucked men and I've been fucked by men. And I've had balls across my nose on more than several occasions. A mouth's a mouth, and a hole to put your dick in is a hole to put your dick in.' Another shrug. 'It ain't a queer thing, it's a reciprocal kind of thing.'

'Reciprocal? What the hell are you talking about?' Lass demanded.

'Just friends takin' care of each other. Like last year's Alfalfa Festival Bull Roast. I went with my pal Kit Nuller. We had a ol' good time, good food, good beer, but by the end of it, there weren't no chicks left to pick up. But we were both horny as dogs so we said fuck it. I blew him, he blew me, no big deal. A friendship thing. One guy helpin' another guy out in his time of need.'

Lass didn't like where this conversation was going. 'You get your shift report written up? Don't forget the old lady.'

'Sure, Sarge, but like I was sayin', comin' is comin'. For instance, if there weren't no available pussy and you were hard, I wouldn't have no problem with you fuckin' me in the ass, long as ya gave me a reach around. And if ya needed a quick blow job to take the edge off a hard day's work, why, I'd be happy to oblige.'

'Look, Dodell, what you do in your private life is your business,' Lass pointed out. 'But I don't care how horny I was, the last thing I'd ever want to do is put my dick up your ass. Now shut up with that stuff. If any shit gets packed up my piss-hole, it ain't gonna be yours. It's gonna be a gal's.'