Situation Tragedy

‘No.’

‘What?’

‘Janie with an I-E.’

‘Oh, but I could have sworn you told me that. .’

‘Oh yes, I was going to have it with an E-Y, but then I noticed there’s a PA at Thames who gets a credit with an E-Y, and I didn’t think it looked very good on the screen — you know, a bit ordinary — so I’ve changed it to I- E.’

‘Oh well, at least it sounds the same,’ said Charles, and then, with a tiny attempt at humour, added, ‘Next thing you’ll be spelling it J-A-Y-N-I.”

‘That’s a thought,’ said Janie seriously. ‘I’ll have to see how it looks written down.’

‘Anyway, congratulations. I see you’ve got the Queen Bee’s job now.’

‘Yes, I was so lucky. You know, it was because I’d worked on the pilot, I got made up specially.’

‘Made up specially?’ Charles repeated, looking with mystification at her lightly freckled face which, except for a blur of green about the eyes, seemed remarkably free of cosmetics.

‘Made up to PA. A lot of the girls who started as trainees with me still haven’t been made up.’

‘Ah.’

‘Though actually Dinky’s got the second PA’s job on the big Wragg and Bowen show, but I reckon that’s not as good as being the only PA, even if it is on a smaller show.’

‘Yes, or do I mean no?’

‘Anyway, Phil Middleton says he reckons sit com’s the best way of learning because you do see the whole thing through, you know, with filming and studio and going right through to the VTR editing.’

Charles agreed randomly.

‘The filming’s going to be very exciting. Do you know who we’ve got as cameraman?’

‘No?’

‘Midge Trumper,’ Janie pronounced dramatically.

‘Really? Midge Trumper, eh?’ said Charles, weighing the name.

‘Yes. I mean, and right after Rainbows Don’t Grow On Graves. I could hardly believe it when I heard.’

‘I’m still finding it a bit difficult to take in. Midge Trumper, eh?’

‘Yes.’

‘Good Lord.’

Charles didn’t want to spend the whole of his lunch extolling the virtues of Midge Trumper, whoever he might be, so he asked if Janie would like another drink.

‘Hock-A.’

‘Hock? I’m not sure. There is a dryish white. I think it’s a Muscadet or — ’

‘No. Hock-A. Hock. . A.’

‘Hock. . A?’

‘O. . K. Okay. It’s how the Japanese say okay.’

‘Oh. Okay.’

When he returned with their drinks, he managed to steer the conversation round to Janie’s predecessor. ‘Quite a hard act you have to follow. Though I must say the atmosphere seems a lot more relaxed without her.’

‘Oh, you mean Sadie. Yes, wasn’t that terrible. I mean, it’s an awful way for me to get a job. I’m not complaining, but it is an awful way to get a job.’

Charles nodded and was rewarded by Janie’s continuing, ‘Yes, it was awful. Ernie Franklyn Junior says he reckoned anyone could’ve seen it coming.’

‘Really?’ said Charles, unwilling to break Janie’s flow by asking who the hell Ernie Franklyn Junior was.

‘Yes, he reckons she’d been under a lot of pressure.’

‘What, at work?’

‘No, no, nothing upset her at work. She could manage the job standing on her head. No. .’ She lowered her voice mysteriously. ‘A man.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, Ernie Franklyn Junior reckoned she’d just had a big bust-up, you know, end of some long-standing affair.’

‘Oh.’

‘I think it’s daft to get yourself involved in that sort of thing. I believe in short flings, not getting involved.’

Charles quickly invested in the future by saying that he fully agreed, before going on to ask if Janie had any idea who the man in Sadie Wainwright’s life had been.

But no. it seemed that Ernie Franklyn Junior’s information service could not supply this answer.

‘But he reckons it was suicide?’

‘Oh yes.’

‘In spite of the findings of the inquest?’

‘Oh yes. Ernie Franklyn Junior says inquests always try to avoid suicide verdicts.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, so that people can collect on the insurance.’

‘Oh. You wouldn’t happen to know who was likely to collect on Sadie’s insurance?’

‘No. Mind you, Ernie Franklyn Junior says — ’

But the Ernie Franklyn Junior Report on the British Legal System was interrupted by the approach of Scott Newton with the Casting Director, Tilly Lake. ‘Janie,’ asked the director, ‘could you get some copies of Script Number Five. You know, the one with the old Army friend of Colonel Strutter’s in it. Tilly’s got some interesting ideas on casting and wants to send some scripts out for it.’

‘Yes,’ Tilly Lake trilled, identifying herself (for anyone who missed the hint of the Indian silk shawl and feathered cloche hat) as an ex-actress, ‘you see I’m so terribly anti conventional casting. I mean, especially in sit com. All directors always seem to end up using the same repertory of actors who do their job awfully well, but with no. . depth. I mean, like this part of Colonel Strutter’s army friend. I mean most sit com directors would go for someone like. . I don’t know, say, Toby Root, who’s a perfectly good actor — lovely actor, lovely person — but I’m sure we can aim higher.’

‘Ah.’

‘I always try to be unpredictable. I mean, take you, Charles. By no means obvious sit com casting. I mean, so many casting directors, looking at the part of the golf club barman, would go for some old comedian, some actor who’s famous and well-loved for a part in another sit com, but whoever booked What’ll The Neighbours. . said, no, let’s not go for the obvious, let’s think laterally and go for someone who. . who. .’ Her sentence lost momentum. ‘And they booked you,’ she finished lamely.

‘Mmm.’ Charles suppressed a grin.

But Tilly Lake was only subdued for a moment. ‘So, anyway, with this part of the Colonel’s friend, I think we should aim high. Not a Toby Root, but why not a Trevor Howard?’

‘Just any old Trevor Howard?’ asked Charles.

But she appeared not to hear him. ‘Why not an Olivier?’

‘The simple answer is, because he’d never do it.’

‘Ah, but, Charles, you don’t know that. You never know until you ask. Perhaps he’s never taken a guest role in a sit com because he’s never been asked. I mean, we’d be able to sort out a special fee. Anyway, Scott and I think we should send him a script.’

‘Certainly — what,’ agreed the Director gnomically.

‘Incidentally, Charles. .’ Tilly Lake purred with sudden intimacy, ‘your agent hasn’t sent your contract back yet.’

‘Ah, no.’

‘I hope that doesn’t mean there are any problems.’

‘Problems? Good Lord, no. That’s just the way he works.’