A Shock to the System

my flat I’d be happy to lend you — ’

‘It isn’t the money. I just want to sell the house.’

‘Oh yes, that’s a natural reaction. Straight after Merrily’s death, with the cremation only yesterday, of course the house is full of memories. . But you mustn’t do anything hasty. Henry and Emma need stability at the moment. Don’t you see that, Graham?’

He shook his head with some impatience. He had always found it exasperating how much slower most people’s minds worked than his own. And now that he had planned his future with such sense and precision, it was annoying to encounter someone unable to appreciate his logic.

‘Lilian, I will tell you what is going to happen,’ he began patiently. ‘Merrily’s death has merely crystallised something I have been thinking for a long time. I do not enjoy family life. I would like to live on my own. And I am now free to follow my inclination. Because she is dead.’ And then he added, for form’s sake, ‘Sad and regrettable though that undoubtedly is.’

Lilian Hinchcliffe’s mouth gaped open. ‘You’re in shock. You ought to go and see a doctor. Graham, you’re not talking sense.’

‘On the contrary. I am talking better sense probably than I have ever talked to you. There is no need for me to go and see a doctor. I am not in shock. I am simply telling you that I wish in future to live on my own and am therefore going to sell this house. It seems a perfectly logical decision to me.’

‘But no, no it’s not logical. You are forgetting that there’s not just you. There’s Henry and Emma, and me. You do not exist on your own.’

Ah, but I do, thought Graham smugly. Very much on my own. Two murders have set me apart from everyone else in the world. And the thought gave him a burning, exhilarating sense of identity.

But he still had the boring process of spelling it all out to go through. ‘Listen, Lilian, the only thing you and I ever had in common was Merrily. We never liked each other. No, don’t argue, don’t pretend, we never did. Merrily was our sole, circumstantial link. With her gone, there is no reason why we should ever see each other again.’

‘But, Graham, she’s only just dead and. . I’ve just lost my daughter, I. .’

‘Better to get it sorted out now,’ he said soothingly, ‘than for either of us to continue under any illusions.’ In the circumstances, he really thought he was being very understanding, breaking it to her with great sensitivity.

She gaped more. Tears appeared in her eyes, their appearance delayed by genuine shock rather longer than in most of her scenes.

‘But, but Graham, putting me on one side for a moment. .’

Which is exactly what I’m doing, he thought.

‘What about the children? You are Henry and Emma’s father. You can’t just abandon them.’

‘I am confident that Henry and Emma will be well looked after. Better looked after than by me. By someone who really cares for them.’

‘Oh, I see.’ Sarcasm now overcame the self-pity in her voice. ‘You’re just relying on me to come up trumps. You throw them over and you know their grandmother will cope. Well, of course I will. But I can’t cope without somewhere to live.’

‘You have somewhere to live. Your flat.’

‘There’s not room for Henry and Emma in my flat.’

‘I am not suggesting that there is. You live in your flat. They don’t.’

‘But where do they live? You said they were going to be looked after by someone who really cares for them.’

‘Henry and Emma are going to live with Charmian.’

The words were softly delivered, but their effect could not have been more devastating. Her jaw did what only the cliche describes, and dropped. She mouthed, as if the whole world contained insufficient oxygen for her needs. Graham wondered idly if she was about to have a heart attack. In many ways it might simplify his life if she did.

But eventually her voice returned. ‘Graham, you’re mad,’ it whispered. ‘Quite, quite mad. Certifiably mad.’

‘No,’ he replied gently.

‘Yes, you talk as if you’ve planned this for years.’

‘Not exactly planned it — certainly thought about it.’ Which was an accurate assessment, he reckoned. There had been a bit of planning, yes, but there had also been strokes of pure luck, like Charmian’s offer, symptoms of the fact that everything was going his way.

‘Oh yes, planned it.’ Lilian’s voice was recovering strength; her theatrical training never deserted her for long. ‘You were just waiting for Merrily’s death. In fact. .’ her eyes widened as the thought struck home, ‘. . perhaps you even planned Merrily’s death.’

A week before this would have really rocked him; now he felt confident to field any accusation. ‘What, you mean murdered her?’

Lilian nodded, wordlessly.

Graham smiled. ‘I think for me to have murdered her, Lilian, I would have had to be here at the time of her death. Don’t you? Also the police did make rather exhaustive investigations. Didn’t they? Had there been the slightest suspicion of anything other than an accident, I think it might have come up at the inquest. Don’t you?’

There was a long silence. Lilian regarded him with acute distaste. Then she changed direction, and changed style. The first impact of the shock had limited her histrionics, but now it was fading, and her customary manner reasserted itself.

‘I can’t believe how cruel you’re being,’ she sobbed. ‘I’ve never been so hurt, never. Just after Merrily’s death, to hear what you’ve said. . I’ve suffered a lot in my life, but never like this. Even lovers have never hurt me like. . Even when William Essex broke off our affaire, I didn’t feel like this.’

‘Well, you must have seen that coming.’

‘What?’

He knew he was being vindictive, but he felt she deserved it. The accusation about Merrily had been nasty; a revengeful home truth was therefore justified.

‘You must have known why William Essex broke off your so-called affaire.’

‘Why?’

‘If indeed it ever started.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean that William Essex was gay. Was always gay.’

‘No!’

‘God, it wasn’t just people in the business who knew. It was virtually admitted in The Times obituary. He was one of the country’s most famous old theatrical queens.’

‘He may have turned strange as he got older, but when we were lovers — ’

‘If there ever was a moment when he made advances to you, it must have been just a test, a challenge to himself, to see if he could make it with a woman.’

‘No. We were in love.’ She broke down in tears.

He knew it was cruel, but he was sick to death of her. All her posturing and embroidered reminiscences seemed irrelevant. Irrelevant and annoying. Now the confrontation had come, he was prepared to use any trick to hurry her out of his life.

The sobbing subsided, and when she spoke again, the subject had changed. She sniffed. ‘I must repair my face before I get the children from school.’

He said nothing as she moved across the room. At the door she turned back to him. ‘Why?’ she asked softly. ‘Why Charmian?’

‘Because,’ he replied in a logical tone, ‘I think she’ll bring them up better than you will.’

‘I see.’ The voice was very small, just like the little voice Merrily had always used in reproach.

It was that which prompted his next callousness. ‘Besides, you talked of their stability. Charmian’s forty-five. Just from the practical point of view, she’s going to be round a lot longer than you are.’

‘Yes,’ Lilian riposted defiantly. ‘You don’t know how right you are.’

Graham had difficulty in getting to sleep that night. It was not his conscience that was troubling him. Any