with me. When I close the door they're already inside.
' 'Tiny tried to help. .' ' His voice trembled. ' 'But I wouldn't let him. Nana is good to me. Sarah-' ' He looked up. 'That's Pepper,' he said. ' 'Sarah is good to me. I have so many friends. But it's like they're on the other side of a window. I can see them, I can hear them, but I can't touch them. There's the window. And I'm outside looking in, and outside is nothing but me and the dark and the dragons.
' 'I know I should stop doing dope. I know the dope is killing me. I used to think life would come to a standstill without me. Now I don't. I lost my place in life a long time ago. I won't even be missed.' '
Someone snuffled. It sounded like Nana.
' 'I don't know where home is. I don't know how to get to my friends on the other side of the glass. My life is just someplace I lost the map to. And the one I lost was the only copy.' '
He looked up. There were tears streaming down his face. 'She wanted you to hear that,' he said. 'She wanted you to hear that after she died. I guess maybe she thought some of us could learn something.'
There was a long silence. The music had ended. Even Toby looked somber. I felt someone slip fingers under my arm and looked down at Nana. She pressed her forehead against my shoulder. She felt burning hot, even through my shirt and jacket.
In the silence, a few people began to whisper and then to talk. It was a kind of release, and it spread through the room. Someone even laughed.
'That's right,' Pepper said, taking the book back. 'She wanted you to hear it, she thought it might help you, but she didn't want to bum you out. Here are some presents. 'The boots are for Nana,' ' she read, ' 'who helped me buy them one day when I was too wasted to make up my mind. The T-shirts are for Saffron, who has more to fill them with.' ' She turned a page. ' 'Chili gets my belts because she's the only one they'll fit. Sarah,' ' she stammered, ' 'Sarah gets this book, with the love I tried to express on page forty-three.' ' She looked up, on the verge of tears. 'I'm not going to read that,' she said.
One by one, the girls went up to the stage and took Amber's gifts. The litany went on until everything on the stage was gone. When it was over and the stage was empty, Tiny waved for silence.
'When Amber died, when she got killed, I mean, she had two hundred and eighty-four dollars in the bank. She left her bankbook inside her journal. Two hundred and eighty-four dollars isn't much after four years of stripping. But you know what happened. She gave money to some of you, and she spent the rest on dope. She spent too much on dope,' the man who dealt loads said. There was no question that he meant it.
He seemed to regain his strength as he talked. 'She didn't know how much she'd have when she died, but this is what she wrote: 'Please use fifty dollars to buy drinks for everyone. Real drinks, private stock, make sure Tiny knows that. No Cragmont Cola at my wake, Tiny.' ' A couple of people laughed. Nana, with Amber's boots clenched in her hand, shook her head fiercely.
'That leaves two hundred and thirty-four dollars,' Tiny said. 'What Amber hoped is that the girls in the club would donate enough money to bring it up to the next hundred. That's three hundred bucks. She wanted that money given to an organization, and if anyone laughs, I'll kill you. She wanted it given to the Just Say No Foundation to keep little kids off drugs. Anybody think that's funny?'
Nobody even smiled. 'I've got fifty bucks,' Nana said.
'Me, too,' said Pepper.
All around the room, the women dug into their purses and volunteered sums of money. Saffron put up a hundred. Women who probably hadn't had a straight day in months went to the stage and put their money down.
'That's six hundred and twenty-four dollars, counting Amber's,' Tiny said after he counted it. 'It'll be a bequest in her name. I'll put in a thousand for the club.'
As he said it, he looked around. There must have been something in my face, because he paused as he looked at me, and a tiny line of concentration creased the skin between his eyebrows. Our eyes locked for a moment.
'Me, too,' Toby said suddenly. 'A thousand and whatever it takes to bring it up to three thousand even.' Tiny's eyes flicked to him, and Toby smiled apologetically. 'I was never any good at math,' he said.
'What it'll be,' Tiny said, 'is a thousand three hundred and seventy-six dollars.' A murmur spread through the room as people recognized Toby. 'And no checks,' Tiny added.
'Coin of the realm,' Toby said. He reached into his hip pocket and pulled out a folded wad of bills. Something square and white came out with them, but he shoved it back into his pocket. Only the corner showed. The edge was white, but the center area was black. It was a distinctive shape, and I had an uneasy feeling that I recognized it. 'What do you think that is?' I said to Nana.
'What's what?' Her voice was muffled.
'Nothing. Are you okay?'
'Sure. I'm peachy. Best I've felt in weeks.' She ground her head against my arm. 'Simeon, can we go somewhere when this is over?'
Toby had put his money on the stage, and Tiny picked it up. 'That's it, then,' he said. 'It doesn't seem like enough, but that's all she asked for.'
'She never asked for enough,' Pepper said.
'She wouldn't have known what to do with it anyway,' Nana said to my arm. 'Even if she'd gotten it, which she never did. Are we going to go someplace or not?'
'Depends,' I said, 'on what's in Toby's pocket.'
She pulled away and gazed up at me. 'I'm beginning to think the only thing in Toby's pocket is you.'
'If it makes you happy,' I said. Toby was coming toward us, and Tiny was talking again.
'Okay,' he said. 'Drinks on Amber for everybody. Knock it back. We've got half an hour before we open the doors.'
'Half an hour,' Toby said, giving Nana a token grin that wasn't returned. 'As much as I'd like a drink, I think I'm going to just say no.'
'Well, that's a twist,' Nana said. All the animosity had returned. 'No free booze for Toby?'
He leaned down toward her. 'You're a beautiful girl, but you're a pain in the ass.'
'I hope I am, Toby,' she said. 'As far as you're concerned, I hope I'm a hemorrhoid the size of a fist.'
'Where are you going?' I asked him.
'Home. I've got a long day tomorrow.'
'Fine. I'll walk you out.'
'Don't bother, champ. I've got the lovely Dolly.'
He headed for the door. Dolly started to follow, but I waved her off. Toby dropped the curtain after he passed through, and I had to pick it up again to get outside. Behind me I heard it drop again: Dolly, no doubt, and then again, and that could only be Nana.
'You know, champ,' Toby said without looking back, 'I have the distinct feeling that Tiny isn't crazy about me anymore.'
The white corner was protruding from the hip pocket of his leather jeans. 'He loved her,' I said, squinting into the last rays of daylight and moving closer. 'He probably doesn't like anybody very much right now.'
'Yeah, but this felt personal. Jesus, I liked her, too.'
'Did you?' I said. 'You could have fooled me.' I had my hand outstretched to snag the thing in Toby's pocket, but he turned to face me. We had reached the place where Alice was parked.
'What kind of thing is that to say? Hey, Simeon, don't push me all the time. Why am I here if I didn't like her?'
'Because you were invited,' Nana said behind me. 'Because you were on her list. Because you couldn't stay away without it looking weird.'
He looked over my shoulder at her. 'You don't believe that. I mean, you and I have had some problems, but you don't believe I had anything to do with killing her.'
'Don't I,' she said.
'This sucks,' Toby said. 'Honest to Christ, what am I doing here in this crappy parking lot jeopardizing my whole career if I hurt that girl? What kind of sense does that make?'
'What's in your pocket, Toby?' I said.
He licked his lips. 'My pocket? What are you talking about? I've got money, some ID, you know. .'
