talk, loosely and theoretically but earnestly, about marriage. I immediately had an affair.
And then another and another. They were meaningless, joyless, mechanical, purely technical violations of faith. She found out about one and forgave me. Later she forgave me again. Then she received simultaneously an advance for book number two and the news of affair number three, and she stopped forgiving me and moved out, into the little house in Venice in which she still lived.
Once separated we became close again and remained close, closer to each other than we were to anyone else in the world, and then the twins came along. We both loved the twins and they drew us closer, until her publisher, a New Age entrepreneur named Burt, took her to bed. Or maybe Eleanor took him to bed. It didn't help matters that I thought he was a vulgar, pretentious clown. Even then, though, I still had the family to love. I could still share in their lives.
But now they'd become Chinese, and they'd built a wall around their crisis that only a Chinese could pass through. I didn't have the password.
As I drove I asked myself whether my feelings were hurt and answered the question untruthfully in the negative. What was burning a hole in my stomach, I persuaded myself, was that they had done so much for me- they'd opened my life emotionally, they'd given me their love without asking themselves whether I was worth it-and here was an opportunity for me to do something for them, something I was reasonably good at, and my help was being refused.
I wanted desperately to see Eleanor.
Colored Christmas bulbs gleamed and winked in the gathering November dusk, framing the houses of the impatient. We picked up a little drizzle halfway to Santa Monica, not really rain but low fog sliding in from the ocean. Bravo put his head out the back window and let the wind pin his ears back, and I fought the temptation to do the same as the windshield slowly went from transparent to translucent to opaque. “Maybe you'd like to drive,” I said to him as I pulled over on Santa Monica Boulevard and got out to wipe the glass. He barked.
“You've been watching too much TV,” I grumbled, climbing back in. “It isn't funny there, and it's not funny here.” He maintained a dignified silence until we turned south onto Ocean, when his ears went up straight.
“Well, aren't you the navigational genius,” I said. Normally I didn't go to see Eleanor unannounced-especially since Burt emerged from the ether-but under the circumstances I figured it would be all right. Anyway, Burt was in New York. Bravo whined, and his tail thumped against the seat as I made the right onto Windswept Court and pulled up in front of Eleanor's house. As I came to a stop he put both front paws against the window and panted loudly.
“Slow down,” I said. “Do you see her car?” He turned his muzzle over his shoulder to look at me. “Do you see a light in the window?” His tail whapped the seat back. “God, what a stupid dog,” I said, feeling desolate. “Anybody can tell she's not here.”
He looked away and made a hunching motion with his hind legs, ready to jump out of the car.
“Hold it,” I said, putting my hand on his rump. “We'll go up and check, but you've got to get out of the car like a gentleman.”
I opened my door, and he scrambled over the seat back and across my lap and out, waiting for me by running short, impatient circles in the driveway. I climbed out with exaggerated slowness, and the moment I had both feet on the driveway, he charged up the sidewalk to the front door. I joined him and rang the bell three times, as much for me as for him.
“See?” I said, trying to sound happy about it. “Nobody home.”
We got back into the car together, both disappointed. He lay down on the backseat, dispirited, with his ears flat. “I know,” I said. “I love her, too.” We made the long slow drive to Topanga in silence.
The fog had preceded us. Topanga Skyline was blocked by a police car parked lengthwise across the street, its flashers firing red and blue into the mist.
“You can't get up,” the cop said. “Fire equipment.”
“I live there.” I showed him my driver's license.
He shrugged. He had small, uninterested eyes and nostrils you could have saved quarters in. “Back it up. Go somewhere else.”
I started to say something snarky and then remembered that I still had the Vietnamese kids' semiautomatics in the trunk. “Thank you, Officer,” I said. “Always nice to talk with a servant of the people.”
I took Alice around the back way, up an unpaved fire road and then down again until it struck Burson, which in turn intersected Topanga Skyline at the top of its arc. We were above the fog here, and I could see it brimming silver like a ballet lake below us, cradled in the cup created by the sides of the hills. It wasn't hard to imagine the ghosts of plesiosaurs paddling through it.
I parked Alice at the foot of the steep, rutted, unpaved driveway, and Bravo charged up it ahead of me. I huffed up at my own speed, toting the two guns, and joined him at the house. He was too busy sniffing to notice me until he heard the door open, and then he barreled past me and went to sit in his cave under the table that holds my computer. I put the little warriors' semis away the way I put most things away, which is by dropping them behind the largest object in sight. In this case, it was the couch. I made a note to take a look one of these days and see what else was back there. When I got the courage.
We are creatures of habit, and my habit when I get home is to go out on the deck in front of my living room and look at the best view in Southern California. I was anticipating a placid vista of pale mist and dark mountains. What I saw made me swear out loud and brought Bravo out to stand next to me and stare down through the darkness at 1321, on fire for the second time in four years.
PART II
G. Kramer of the Max Planck Institute in Germany noted that when migration time arrived, starlings tended to take off at a certain angle with respect to the position of the sun. If the apparent position of the sun was changed by mirrors, the migrating starlings tended to take off in a direction which had the same angle relative to the sun's position in the mirror. .
6
She finally emerged from the bar a little after two-thirty in the morning, looking smaller and chubbier than she had inside. I waited in the shadow of a van and watched her come, dressed in pressed jeans, white sneakers, a T- shirt, and a white unzipped windbreaker, the sleeves pushed halfway up her forearms. Her shoulder-length hair looked like she'd wet it and then combed it with her fingers. She'd turned the collar up against the drizzle. She was humming.
The name of the bar, according to the scrawl of darkened neon tubing across its front window, was
