stepaunt, she heard nothing but silence.
Unsettled by the sudden whiplash of emotions-from the bright glimmer of peace to a tightening knot of fear, Tessa stood and backed out of the room.
Maybe you were just imagining things. Wishful thinking, making up a divine response in order to cover your shame. To find a way to deal with your past.
Disheartened, confused, she reached the vending machines. And then, not far from her, on the other side of the lobby, the front doors of the hospital whisked open, and she saw Patrick, her father, emerge from the storm.
99
I heard Tessa call my name, and it took only a moment to find her near the soda machines. “Hey”-I hurried toward her-“how’s Amber?”
“I don’t think she’s doing so well.”
I felt my heart squirm. “Which room?”
“220. It seemed like Sean needed a little time alone with her. I came out here.” She paused. “To get some Cokes.”
Though anxious to get to the room, if Sean needed to be alone with Amber right now, it gave me a chance to catch up with Tessa on what’d happened. “Tessa, tell me what-”
“The kidnapped lady, did you find her?”
“Yes. She’s fine. Listen-”
“How did you save a million people tonight?”
“No. I didn’t. Iran did.”
She looked at me questioningly. “A million people?”
“It’s a long story. I’ll explain later. Tell me what happened with Amber.”
Finally, Tessa switched gears and, while I hurriedly purchased the cans of soda, she filled me in about the power outage, the overdose, her efforts to awaken Amber, Sean’s arrival, their harried flight to the hospital.
The final Coke tumbled through the machine, I retrieved it, and we walked to the elevator.
I was struck by how, at every step of the way-from picking the lock, to waking Amber in the shower, to thinking of the dish soap and remembering to bring the pill bottles to the hospital, Tessa had exhibited clear, quick thinking under incredible pressure.
Then the elevator doors closed and we were on our way to the second floor. “So how are you doing through all this?” I asked.
She was slow in responding. “I went to the chapel. Something happened.” She hesitated. “Earlier tonight you told me that somehow forgiveness, or making amends, or some sort of penance, has to be the answer.”
“Yes.”
“But if you have to do penance or make amends, then it means the forgiveness wasn’t complete, right? I mean, if it was, there’d be no need for them. If you can make up for the past, why would you need to be forgiven for it?”
“I’m not sure I know what you’re saying here.”
She looked heavyhearted, distressed. “Apart from forgiveness, can you think of any way of dealing with your past that doesn’t involve some form of denial or negotiation?”
I didn’t know how to respond.
Mental compartmentalization, rationalization, justification, repression… all forms of denial or just different genres of excuses.
“No,” I said frankly, “I can’t.”
The doors dinged open.
She took a heavy breath. “Anyway, the nurse keeps telling us Amber’s going to be okay. So that’s good.”
“Yes.” And, as abruptly as it had begun, our forgiveness conversation was over.
We exited the elevator. Passed room 210… 212…
Despite myself, I thought of the conversation I’d had with Lien-hua about twists at the end of stories, how the people who deserve to live don’t always make it. I refused to let myself consider such things.
216…218…
We arrived at the room and I knocked softly. Sean called for us to come in, and when we entered, to my great relief, I saw that Amber was sitting up in bed. Conscious. A nurse was removing her NG tube.
“Amber?” Tessa stared at her dumbfounded. “How are… how do you feel?”
If Tessa had been right that Amber was unconscious just minutes ago, the turnaround was nothing short of extraordinary.
“I’m okay.” Amber’s voice was faint and scratchy. The nurse stepped aside. “Thanks to you and Sean.”
As we gathered at her bedside, Amber tried to apologize for all the trouble she’d caused, for “how stupid she’d been,” for making everyone so upset and scared, but none of us were accusing her of anything, no one was angry, we were just thankful she was still here with us. She shared her tearful, profound gratitude to Tessa and Sean for helping her, but they downplayed their role as “what anyone would’ve done.”
Then, for what seemed like a long time but might’ve only been a minute or two, no one said anything. Finally, Sean was the one to break the silence, telling Amber plainly that he would change: that he’d give up drinking once and for all, if that’s what she wanted, if that’s what it took-anything-if she’d just give him, give their marriage, one more shot.
Amber looked past him toward the window, and when she didn’t reply, I was afraid it might be too late for them, that whatever they’d had was over, but then she rested her hand gently on his arm, and the small gesture said as much, if not more, than any words would have.
“We can do this,” he vowed.
“Yes,” she replied softly. “Okay.”
The moment was heartfelt and moving but short-lived because then Sean looked my way. “How’s your jaw?”
“It’ll be fine. But you throw one mean punch.”
“You deserved that, you know.”
“Yeah.” I searched clumsily for the right thing to say. “I’m glad everything’s out in the open.”
Sean took Amber’s hand in his own. “The past is past, all right?”
“I hope things can be-”
“We move on, okay?”
I gladly accepted the offer. “Yes. Thank you. We move on.”
Amber nodded as well, then asked if she could have a few minutes alone with Sean, so Tessa and I slipped into the hallway, and, almost immediately when we were alone, Tessa said, “I need to tell you something, but I don’t want you to make fun of me or anything.”
“Of course not.”
“You know how Mom used to say that I needed to learn to believe in grace, in forgiveness, stuff like that?”
“Yes.”
“I think maybe I’m starting to.”
“Tessa, that’s fantastic. Why would you think I’d make fun of you for that?”
She was quiet. Then, rather than answer my question, she said, “You remember how you told me I was good at beating myself up?”
“I was only trying to-”
“No. It’s okay.” A nurse passed us, carrying a food tray toward a room farther down the hall. “But here’s the thing: I’m not the only one. You’re a world-class self-beater-upper. You never slept with Amber, right? And Sean’s not gonna hold your little emotional fling against you, so you need to accept that. Like he said, move on.”
