EPILOGUE
A week and a half later, my car turns off I-95 and heads back to the quiet, rural roads of Ashland, Virginia. The sky is crystal blue, and the early-fall trees blush in yellow, orange, and green. At first glance, it’s just like before-then I take a quick peek in the rearview. No one’s there. That’s when I feel it the most.
Every time I come out to horse country, I notice the sweet smell of wildflowers. But as my car twists and turns past an amber thicket, I realize it’s the first time I’ve actually seen them. It’s amazing what’s right in front of your face.
Taking in every yellow stalk in every wide-open field, I wind my way past the farms and toward the familiar wooden fence. A quick left takes me the rest of the way. The thing is, the gravel parking lot, the ranch house, even the always-open screen door-for some reason, they all look bigger. That’s the way it should be, I decide.
“Look who finally made it,” Marlon says in his cozy Creole accent. “I was getting worried about you.”
“It always takes me longer than I thought. It’s the side roads that mess me up.”
“Better late than never,” Marlon offers.
I pause to think about it. “Yeah. I guess.”
Marlon stares down at the newspaper that’s sitting on the kitchen table. Like every conversation over the past few weeks, there’s an awkward pause hanging in the air. “Sorry about Nora,” he eventually says. “I liked her. She seemed like a real brawler-always calling it like it was.”
I pause on the compliment, seeing if it fits. Sometimes the memory’s better. Sometimes, it’s not.
“Is my dad…?”
“In his room,” Marlon says.
“Did you tell him?”
“You told me to wait, so I waited. That’s what you wanted, right?”
“I guess.” Heading to the room, I add, “You really think I’ll be able to-”
“How many times you gonna ask me this?” Marlon interrupts. “Every time you leave, all he wants to know is the next time you’re coming. Boy loves you like all-you-can-eat ribs. What else you possibly want?”
“Nothing,” I say, fighting back a smile. “Nothing at all.”
“Dad?” I call out, knocking on the door to his room and pushing it open. There’s no one inside. “Dad, are you there?”
“Over here, Michael! Over here!” Following his voice, I look up the hallway. At the far end, on the back porch, my dad’s standing on the other side of a screen door, waving at me. He’s wearing wrinkled khakis and, as always, his Heinz ketchup T-shirt. “Here I am,” he sings, his feet shuffling in a little dance. I love seeing him like this.
The moment I push open the screen door, he grabs me in a bear hug and lifts me off the ground. I jump up to help him along. “How’s… this?” he asks, spinning around and planting me on the porch. The moment he lets go, I see what he’s talking about. Beyond the picnic tables where we all ate that day is the yawning field of the farm next door. Under the blinding glow of the honey-gold sun, four horses run wild through the crisp, green fields. The whole scene-the sun, the horses, the colors-it’s breathtaking-as breathtaking as the first time I saw it, the day I came to examine the group home, a week before my dad moved in.
“Isn’t it pretty?” my dad asks in his slurred voice. “Pinky’s the fast one. He’s my favorite.”
“Is that him?” I ask, pointing to the chocolate-brown horse who’s way out front.
“Nooooo-that’s
As I step farther onto the back porch, he stares back inside the building, checking the hallway. It’s like he’s looking for-
“Where’s Nora?” he blurts.
I knew he was going to ask. He liked her too much to forget. Easing into an answer, I sit down on the porch’s wooden swing and motion for my dad to join me.
He reads the look on my face. Bad news coming. “She didn’t like me?” he asks, stroking his bottom lip with stubby fingers.
“No, not at all,” I say. “She loved you.”
He goes to sit on the swing, but he’s too caught up with Nora. His weight crashes down and we slam back into the wall of the house. Sensing the tantrum, I put my arm around him to allay his fears. Within seconds, we’re lightly swaying back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Calm slowly returns.
“She really loved you,” I repeat.
“Then why didn’t she come?”
I practiced this one the whole way up. It doesn’t help. “Dad,” I begin. “Nora’s… Nora had a… an accident.”
“Is she okay?”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “She’s not okay. She’s… she died, Dad. She died a week and a half ago.”
I wait for the fallout, but all he does is stare down at his shirt, picking at the black letters. Lifting his upper lip, he lets his top teeth show. Like he’s smelling something; or trying to figure it out. Slowly, he starts rocking back and forth, his lonely wide eyes studying the upside-down logo. He knows what death is-we went through it years ago. Eventually, he looks up at the porch ceiling. “Can I say goodbye to her?”
He wants to go to the cemetery. “Of course,” I tell him. “In fact, I think she’d like that.”
He nods his head diagonally-making ovals with his chin-but he won’t say anything else.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask.
Still no response.
“C’mon, Dad, tell me what you’re thinking.”
He searches for words that are never going to come. “She was nice to me.”
“I’m telling you, she really liked you. She told me so.”
“She did?” he whispers, still looking away.
“Of course she did. She said you were smart, and handsome, and what a good father you were… ” I’m hoping to get a smile, but he still won’t face me. I reach over and once again put my arm around him. “It’s okay to be sad.”
“I know. I’m not that sad, though.”
“You’re not?”
“Not really. There’s a good part to dying too.”
“There is?”
“Sure. You’re not in pain anymore.”
I nod. At times like this, my father’s absolutely brilliant.
“And you know what the best part is?” he adds.
“No, tell me the best part.”
He looks up at the sky with a wide, toothy grin. “She’s with your mom. Philly. Phyllis. Phyllis.”
I can’t help but smile-it’s a wide grin. Like my dad’s.
“I told you it was the best part,” he laughs.
Swaying in the swing, he starts to giggle. He found a way to make it all okay-his world still exists. “So have you spoken to the President lately?” he asks. When it comes to jokes, that’s his old faithful. Strength in repetition.
“Actually, Dad, that’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about-I left my job at the White House.”
He lowers his feet and the swing stops. “What about the President?”
“I think he’ll be… better off without me.”
“Marlon said he’s going to win for re-President.”
“Yeah. Real big winner.”
Still not facing me, my dad starts flicking his pinkie and index fingers against his thumb. “Did you get fired?” he finally asks.
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “I just had to leave.”
He knows I’m alluding to something-he can hear it in my voice. The flicking gets quicker. “Does that mean
