my business? It's only been a day, and I'm already suffering almost fifty percent cancellations.”
“That's temporary. Business will bounce back.”
Horst was shaking his head. He wasn't buying it.
Liz set plates in front of us. Fish over rice.
“Ah, this looks wonderful, Liz,” he said.
That it did. She'd made some kind of an herbal sauce that had been drizzled over top. “Ian taught me how to make it,” she said. “It was one of his favorite dishes.”
Horst cut into his with his fork. “The fish looks perfect.” It was a whitefish, light and flaky near the edges and translucent in the middle. He scooped up a piece and lifted it to his nose. He took a deep whiff, the pallor of his cheeks matching the color of the fish's rare center. He slid the bite through his thin lips. “Delicious,” he said.
I cut into mine, pulling a piece free with my fork. I took one last glance at Liz, who was looking at me blankly. It would look strange if I didn't eat. I had to trust her. I lifted it to my lips, putting my trust in the conversation we'd had that morning…
I'd taken a seat in Liz's armchair. She'd tried to close the door on me, but I insisted that she let me in. Her apartment was a disaster. Brandy empties littered the floor. Three distinct piles of crumpled tissues on the sofa. Next to the door was a short stack of plates from the downstairs restaurant with crusty-looking food scraps squeezing out from between the layered ceramics.
She was wearing nothing but her robe. Her hair looked unwashed and was pillow-pressed on one side. She was watching me, waiting for me to say something.
“I'm sorry about your brother.” I opened.
“No, you're not. You're glad he's dead.”
I rolled with the punch. “You're right,” I confessed. “But I am sorry to see you hurting like this. I know how you must feel.”
“Bullshit. You have no idea how I feel.”
“I just lost my wife,” I stated matter of fact.
“I didn't know you had a wife.”
“I do. I did.”
“When?”
“Three days ago.”
“How did it happen?”
“She jumped off a bridge a few months ago. She was paralyzed and wanted me to take her off her respirator.”
“Was she terminal?”
“No.”
“She wanted to die?”
I nodded.
“Why?”
“Her father abused her, and she never got over it.”
Liz teared up. And watching her, the emptiness inside me took hold. I felt tears in my own eyes. I wanted to let it out. I ached to let loose. Liz and I could help each other. We could share our pain, and maybe together we could find a way to make it bearable. I opened my mouth, not knowing what I'd say. I made a false start, the first part of an unknown syllable hanging in the air. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how…
And then it passed. The moment was gone, vanished as mysteriously as it had come. And I was glad it was gone. I could never let myself get involved with Liz. She was broken in a way that couldn't ever be fixed. It would be like Niki all over again. I wiped my cheeks and sniffled my nose clear.
Liz had the tissues out, and she offered me one.
I declined.
She blew her nose. “Tell me how Ian died and don't give me any of that hero bullshit they said on the news.”
I was in a haze, thoughts of Niki clouding my mind. Still, I managed to answer her question. “I shot him.”
“Was it in self-defense?”
“No. He didn't even know I was there until it was too late.”
“I hate you.”
“I know.”
“You made me help you find him.”
“You did what was right, Liz. He and Horst killed that girl. He'd become a monster. There was no saving him.”
“He wasn't always like that, you know.”
I was still in a haze. Her words were coming at me through layers of fog. I forced myself to think of Adela, the way she died. I summoned the anger, letting it fill the empty hole in my soul. I let the anger burn off the fog and sharpen my mind. I came here for a reason, and it was time I stopped letting things like sappy feelings get in the way. Horst was going to pay, and Liz was going to help me.
“What was Ian like before?” I asked, humoring her.
“He was shy and sweet.”
Shy? Maybe. Sweet? Never. The way I saw it, Ian was a sadistic bastard with a hard-on for his sister, a weak, disturbed girl who couldn't set any boundaries-mothering him, protecting him, fucking him. To her, it was all the same thing. But I didn't contradict her. I let her remember her brother however she wanted.
“He wasn't cut out for police work,” she said. “He was going to quit.”
“When was that?”
“Right before he met Horst. That was about a year ago. Horst took him under his wing when he found out he was a cop. Ian was really taken with him. You've seen how charming Horst can be. Ian would've done absolutely anything for Horst.”
“Did Horst know the two of you were related?”
“No. He just thought we were childhood lovers who would still see each other now and again. I should've never introduced Ian to him. Ian was confused and vulnerable. He had no confidence in himself, you know what I mean?”
“I do. I remember what Ian was like when he first joined KOP.”
“Then you know,” she insisted. “He wasn't always the person he was at the end.”
“I know,” I said, consoling.
She cried again. I hugged her. I patted her shoulder. I wiped her tears away. I held her and waited, my mind drifting to Horst… Arresting him was out of the question. He could contradict my version of events on the barge. He could say that Ian was alive and heading for the Zoo the last time he saw him. Maggie couldn't be known to have anything to do with Ian's death. She needed to be kept clear. Just the implication that she was somehow investigating Ian was enough to stain her as a rat for the rest of her career. I couldn't let that happen. Maggie's image was and would always remain true blue.
Liz pulled away when the tears stopped, and I moved back to the armchair, giving her a minute to just be.
“I'm sorry about your wife.” She said it so sincerely that I was taken aback. The hollowness inside me was suddenly all-consuming. Tears were about to overflow the dam I'd propped up. I wanted to tell her about Niki, about how I tried to save her and how I wasn't any good at it. I wanted to tell her about what a good a person Niki was and about all the times she'd tried to save me from my drinking and my enforcing. I wanted to tell her how much I loved Niki, the way she'd cut the buttons off my shirts and replace them with snaps, the way she would smile at my jokes, even when they weren't funny.
This was my opportunity…
Fuck it. I didn't deserve her consolation, or anybody else's.
For a long while, we didn't talk, each of us alone with our own thoughts. I worked hard at corralling my emotions. When I felt like I'd finally managed to pen them up, I broke the silence. “I want to talk about Horst.”
“I don't,” she stated.
