an interview and I was left waiting alone. I was prepared to have to wait a long time.
It was not so long before a guard came to conduct me to the officers’ mess. The warden was sitting at the head of the high table. Other long tables were more crowded. I was to sit at his table, but not near him, at the far end. We should be too far apart to talk comfortably. Before taking my seat, I went up to salute him. He looked surprised and did not return my greeting. I noticed all the men sitting round immediately leaned together and began speaking in undertones, glancing furtively at me. I seemed to have made an unfavourable impression. I had assumed he would remember me, but he appeared not to know who I was. To remind him of our former connexion might make things worse, so I sat down in my distant place.
I could hear him talking amiably to the officers near him. Their conversation was of arrests and escapes. I was not interested until he told the story of his own flight, involving; big car, a snowstorm, crashing frontier gates, bullets, a girl. He never once looked in my direction or took any notice of me.
From time to time troops could be heard marching past outside. Suddenly there was an explosion. Part of the ceiling collapsed and the lights went out. Hurricane lamps were brought and put on the table. They showed fragments of plaster lying among the dishes. The food was ruined, uneatable, covered in dust and debris. It was taken away. A long and tedious wait followed; then finally bowls of hard boiled eggs were put down in front of us. Intermittent explosions continued to shake the building, a haze of whitish dust hung in the air, everything was gritty to touch.
The warden was playing a game of surprising me. He beckoned at the end of the meal. ‘I enjoyed your broadcasts. You have a gift for that sort of thing.’ I was astonished that he knew of the work I had been doing. His voice was friendly, he spoke to me as an equal, and just for a moment, I felt identified with him in an obscure sort of intimacy. He went on to say I had timed my arrival well. ‘Our transmitter will soon be in operation, and yours will be put out of action.’ I had always told the authorities we needed a more powerful installation; that it was only a question of time before the existing apparatus was jammed by a stronger one. He assumed that I had heard this was about to happen, and had defected accordingly. He wanted me to broadcast propaganda for him, which I agreed to do, if he would do something for me. ‘Still the same thing?’ ‘Yes.’ He looked at me in amusement, but suspicion flashed in his eyes. Nevertheless he remarked casually, ‘Her room’s on the floor above; we may as well pay her a visit,’ and led the way out. But when I said, ‘I have to deliver a personal message; could I see her alone?’ he did not reply.
We went down one passage, up some stairs and along another. The beam of his powerful torch played on floors littered with rubbish. Footprints showed in the dust; I looked among them for her smaller prints. He opened a door into a dimly lit room. She jumped up. Her white startled face; big eyes staring at me under glittering hair. ‘You again!’ She stood rigid, held the chair in front of her as for protection, hands clenched on the back, knuckles standing out white. ‘What do you want?’ ‘Only to talk to you.’ Looking from one of us to the other, she accused: ‘You’re in league together.’ I denied it: though in a strange way there seemed to be some truth in the charge…. ‘Of course you are. He wouldn’t bring you here otherwise.’
The warden approached her, smiling. I had never seen him look so benevolent. ‘Come now, that’s not a very kind way to greet an old friend. Can’t we all have a friendly talk? You’ve never told me how you first got to know each other.’ It was clear that he had no intention of leaving us alone. I gazed at her silently, could not talk to her in front of him. His personality was too dominant, his influence too strong. In his presence she was frightened, antagonistic. Barriers were created. I was distracted myself. No wonder he smiled. I might as well not have found her. A distant explosion shook the walls; she watched the white dust float down from the ceiling. For the sake of saying something, I asked if the bombing disturbed her. Her face blank, her bright hair shimmering, she silently moved her head in a way that meant anything, nothing.
The warden said: ‘I’ve tried to persuade her to go to a safer place, but she refuses to leave.’ He smiled complacently, showing me his power over her. I found it hard to accept. I looked round the room: the chair, a small mirror, a bed, paperbacks on the table, dust everywhere, fallen plaster thick on the floor. Her grey loden coat hung from a hook. I saw no other personal belongings except a comb and a square of chocolate in torn silver paper. I turned away from the man and addressed her directly, trying to speak as if he was not there. ‘You don’t seem very comfortable here. Why not go to a hotel, somewhere further away from the fighting?’ She did not answer, shrugged her shoulders slightly. A silence followed.
Troops marched past under the window. He went across, opened the shutters a crack and looked down. I muttered hurriedly, ‘I only want to help you,’ moved my hand towards hers, which was snatched back. ‘I don’t trust you. I don’t believe a word you say.’ Her eyes were wide and defiant. I knew I would never succeed in making contact with her while he was in the room. Nothing was to be gained by staying longer. I left.
Outside the door, I heard his laugh, his step on the floorboards, his voice: ‘What have you got against that one?’ Then her voice, changed, blurred with tears, high-pitched, hysterical. ‘He’s a liar. I know he’s working with you. You’re both the same, selfish, treacherous, cruel. I wish I’d never met either of you, I hate you both! One day I’ll go … you won’t see me again … ever!’ I walked on down the passage, stumbling over the rubble, kicking it aside. I had not thought of providing myself with a torch.
For the next few days I considered taking her away from him to a neutral country. Theoretically it was quite possible. Occasional ships still called at the local port. It was a matter of speed, secrecy and exact timing. Success depended on getting to sea before we were followed. I began making cautious inquiries. The answers could be bought. The difficulty was that no one could be trusted. The person I was paying for information might sell my questions to somebody in the warden’s pay. This made the whole thing highly dangerous. I was nervous; I could not afford to take such risks; nevertheless, the risk had to be run.
Voices whispered secrets: names, addresses, destinations, departures. ‘Go to … ask for … hold yourself in instant readiness … documents … proof … ample funds… I needed to speak to her before taking my plans a stage further. I went to her room, heard a shot, paid no attention; shooting was going on in the streets all the time. The man emerged, shut the door behind him. I said I wanted to see her. ‘You can’t.’ He turned the key, dropped it into his pocket, threw a pistol down on the table. ‘She’s dead.’ A knife went through me. All other deaths in the world were outside; this one was in my body, like a bayonet, like my own. ‘Who killed her?’ Only I could do that. When he said, ‘I did,’ my hand moved, touched the gun, the barrel was hot. I could have seized it and shot him. It would have been easy. He made no move to prevent me, stood motionless, gazing at me. I looked back at him, at his face with its arrogant bone structure; our eyes met.
In an indescribable way our looks tangled together. I seemed to be looking at my own reflexion. Suddenly I was entangled in utmost confusion, not sure which of us was which. We were like halves of one being, joined in some mysterious symbiosis. I fought to retain my identity, but all my efforts failed to keep us apart. I continually found I was not myself, but him. At one moment I actually seemed to be wearing his clothes. I fled from the room in utter confusion: afterwards did not know what had happened, or if anything had.
On another occasion he met me at the door of the room, said at once: ‘You’re too late. The bird’s flown.’ He was grinning, his face wore an expression of naked malice. ‘She’s gone. Run away. Disappeared.’ My fists clenched. ‘You sent her away so that I shouldn’t see her. You’ve deliberately kept us apart.’ I started towards him in fury. Then again our looks tangled, confusion came back; a wider confusion, not of identity only, but also of time and place. Gold blue eyes flashing, the blue flash of a ring, curved cold strangler’s fingers. He had fought bears and strangled them with his hands. Physically I was no match. … As I left, I heard his voice jeering: ‘That’s more sensible.’
I went into an empty room. I needed time in which to collect myself. I was disturbed, I longed for the girl, could not bear to have lost her. I thought of the journey I had been planning with her beside me, which would now never take place. My face was wet as with rain, drops ran down into my mouth, tasted salt. I covered my eyes with my handkerchief, brought myself under control by a violent effort.
I should have to start searching for her all over again. The repetition was like a curse. I thought of placid blue seas, tranquil islands, far away from war. I thought of the Indris, those happy creatures, symbols of life in peace, on a higher plane. I could clear out, go to them. No, that was impossible. I was tied to her. I thought of the ice moving across the world, casting its shadow of creeping death. Ice cliffs boomed in my dreams, indescribable explosions thundered and boomed, icebergs crashed, hurled huge boulders into the sky like rockets. Dazzling ice stars bombarded the world with rays, which splintered and penetrated the earth, filling earth’s core with their deadly coldness, reinforcing the cold of the advancing ice. And always, on the surface, the indestructible ice-mass was moving forward, implacably destroying all life. I felt a fearful sense of pressure and urgency, there was no time to lose, I was wasting time; it was a race between me and the ice. Her albino hair illuminated my dreams, shining
