“You knew her?”
“Not well, but I knew her. I didn’t say anything before, because I didn’t know her that well, and I didn’t want that to be the first thing between us, some work-related thing. What I’ve been thinking, though, is I’m not sure anyone really knew her. Not in any way that really told you anything about her.”
“I’ve been thinking the same thing.”
“When I was going to school, I took some night courses at the university, and I saw her one night. And you know what I remember about her?”
I shook my head.
“I’m standing in the hall, by the elevators, waiting to go up to the fourth floor, and I see her coming toward me. I looked at her, because you couldn’t not look at her. She was stunning. She was coming toward me and her head was held down a little, but not so much I couldn’t see her face, and I remember thinking, Wow, that is one beautiful but dead face.”
“How do you mean?”
“When she saw me, she came out of wherever she had been visiting inside her head, and her face changed, lit up, and she smiled and said something friendly, and we rode up in the elevator together.”
“People can look that way if they’re thinking about something else. Dead-faced, I mean.”
Belinda shook her head. “Not like that. I don’t mean she wasn’t carrying a lot of expression because her mind was elsewhere; she had these perfect features that didn’t have any animation. It was like she was all made up for her coffin. It was like a book I read once about these things from outer space that were pods, and they were hid under beds and in closets while people slept, and the people didn’t wake up. Their place was taken by the pods and the people ceased to exist. They looked the same and did the same things, but their expressions were gone, their voices lacked inflection. They didn’t radiate emotion. They weren’t human.”
“That’s it. That’s the one. That’s how Caroline struck me. I knew who she was because really anyone that went to classes in that building knew who she was. You were in that building, and you saw her, you never forgot her. But I tell you, that girl wasn’t right. She was whatever you wanted her to be.”
I had heard something similar from Ernie and Tabitha. But I said, “You can’t know that.”
“You’re right. I can’t. But we rode the elevator up together, and when we got to the top floor, she saw one of the professors unlocking his office door, and when she called his name, she changed. Her posture. Her face. It was as if something came from somewhere and filled her up with personality. She moved differently. She had something she hadn’t had in the hall, or in the elevator, except for that little flash when she spoke to me.”
“Maybe she knew how to handle men.”
“No doubt she did. But it wasn’t just that. There was something about her that was empty, and when she needed a personality, it was like she borrowed it.”
“From who?”
“I don’t know. From any source she might have seen or learned from. She was someone who imitated life. I know how dramatic that sounds. But riding up in that elevator, I had the coldest, saddest feeling, and I wouldn’t turn my back on her. I pushed up in the corner so I could watch her.”
“Did she watch you?”
“She did. She even smiled a couple of times, but it was like a beautiful tiger showing its teeth, not like someone happy to see you, or just being friendly. I know. I know it all sounds like some kind of creep show, and from the outside I must sound like the biggest creep of them all. She was gorgeous, and I won’t lie to you, part of me was very jealous of her. I wanted to look like her, but I didn’t want to be her. Not even in the littlest ways. I don’t think she had feelings one way or another, except for the borrowed ones. I think had she not been so beautiful, she would have been found out sooner. People wouldn’t have trusted her.”
“You mean men, don’t you?”
“I mean anyone, but men especially. She could charm when she wanted to make the effort. She borrowed charm from her memory banks, and she only needed so much, because men, they don’t always have to have everything else just right if the woman looks good.”
“That’s a sad commentary on my sex,” I said, “but what makes it even sadder is you’re probably right. This professor you mentioned, way you said it, you’re telling me something there, aren’t you?”
“It was your brother. He was teaching a night class.”
“And?”
“And the way they looked at one another, the way he touched her shoulder, even though it was nothing but friendly, there was something going on there. I think it was one way. I think she wanted to make him think it was two ways, but I think it was one way. I didn’t even mean to get into this, and wouldn’t have said anything at all, but we are getting closer, and I don’t think a secret like that is good, even if it isn’t much of a secret. I’m sorry to tell you something like that, and now that I think about it, I wish I had just shut up. And you know what, I could be full of it. It might have all been innocent.”
“I know about it. And you’re right. There was something there. Jimmy’s married, you know?”
“I know. He and his wife have been in the news a few times. Stuff up at the college, even charity work. And he was in some kind of hunting club or something.”
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention what you just told me. I don’t want to make things worse for Jimmy. He knows he messed up, and now that it’s over…”
“You’ve heard the last from me as far as their relationship is concerned.”
“Do you know if anyone else knew they were having an affair?”
“I didn’t really know much of anyone at the university. I knew your brother because of the newspaper, and I knew her because of how she looked, and some of the other students talked about her. I knew a few of the professors.”
I thought about that a moment.
“I know what you’re thinking,” she said. “That my opinions about her may come from something someone else said. But no one said anything about her, other than the guys, and then it was just the usual stuff about how fine she looked and what they would like to do with her.”
“Any of those boys ever sound weird about it? About what they’d like to do?”
“Not the way you’re thinking. I don’t have any better idea what happened to her than anyone else. You’ve been checking this out, haven’t you? And not just because of the column you wrote. Because of your brother?”
It was hard to bullshit another reporter, or in this case, a would-be reporter.
“A little. I didn’t really know about him and Caroline until I started checking things out. I think I’m through checking.”
“I bet you’re not.”
“No?”
Belinda shook her head. “You’re too much of a reporter, and you have something of an obsessive personality.”
“You think?”
She grinned. “Yes, I do. I know about you and Gabby.”
“That’s old news.”
“Not the way I hear it.”
“You are a fountain of information, girl. How did you hear about it, and from whom?”
“Melanie Popper.”
“Who?”
“She works at the vet’s office. Gabby told her you came by and tried to patch things up, and Gabby asked you to leave. Or that’s what Gabby told her anyway.”
“Damn small town…Yes, that’s true. I did try and patch it up, and if she walked through this door right now and said she’d take me back, I’d go. I wouldn’t ask a question, and I wouldn’t look back. I’d go.”
There was a bit of silence, like a couple of respectful sailors watching a huge iceberg pass by.
“I can understand that,” Belinda said.
“I don’t think you can. Listen to me. I said I would go without one word, and I would. But she doesn’t want me, and deep down, some place hidden behind the furnace, I don’t want her and know she’s wrong for me, and you’re helping me understand that. I don’t want it to sound like I see you as something to take her place until she
