The Weight of Silence

that was good, they were going up to get Ben and Petra, get help, which was what Ben had told her to do. And she had done that, gotten help. Everything would be okay now. She was so tired now, so sleepy. The water had tasted good; she drank and drank from the water bottle her mother pressed to her lips. But now she felt sick to her stomach, the water was gurgling around in her empty middle.

She was vaguely aware that she had spoken. One word. Ben. She had said her brother’s name and she was so surprised that nothing bad had happened when she spoke the word. Her mother was still there holding tightly to her, she hadn’t been ripped from her, nothing bad had happened. Calli thought that she might like to say more, but she was so very tired. The feeling had returned to her damaged feet and they burned. All she really wanted to do was sleep, sleep with her hands linked around her mother, her head tucked into the soft groove that was her mother’s neck. In the distance she could hear the wail of an ambulance coming closer.

In a quiet, half-asleep nook of her mind, the thought that she perhaps should have said more to Deputy Louis flitted at her like a dragonfly. What had she said? Ben. But there was so much more she should have said. Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man. Petra’s daddy had looked so frightened, but she had only said Ben, that wasn’t scary. Then Petra’s daddy had run and then Deputy Louis ran after him. To help. Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man. Calli soundlessly mouthed the words Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man…She was too weary and her mouth stilled.

The siren from the ambulance came to an abrupt stop and Calli could feel her mother laying her down. She struggled to stay in her mother’s arms, plucked at her shirt, trying to take hold, but her fingers felt weak and boneless and she was only able to feel the fabric slide through her grasp like water.

Her mother’s face drifted above her and she heard her say, “It’s okay now, Calli, I’m staying with you. I won’t leave. Sleep now. Just sleep.”

She felt her mother’s own fingers rest lightly on the side of her cheek and her mother kissed her, her lips warm and dry, like paper. And Calli drew in the scent that was her mother and let sleep take her.

BEN

I hear something in the woods crashing toward me. Oh, God, I think, Dad is coming back. Oh, God, he will kill me this time. I jump to my feet and ready myself for him. I tilt my head to hear better, I can barely see and I run my hands over my face, it feels puffy and sore. I reach for a nearby branch. It isn’t very thick or sturdy, but it has sharp points. I may be able to hold him back with it. Aim for the eyes, I tell myself.

The noise from the forest comes closer and it sounds too big to be Dad, it sounds like it is running on more than two feet and my next thought is coyote. And that freaks me out more than my father for some reason. Maybe because, with Dad, I know his ways, the way he moves, how he fights. A coyote would be a whole different story and I look around for a bigger stick. Then the noise is here, right here, and my next thought is of Petra. A coyote might go right for her, she is so little and helpless. She looks hurt bad. A big old coyote could just drag her off, eat her up in three big bites. I hurry over to her and spread my arms out wide, holding the stick ready for battle, waiting.

I’m not sure what is more surprising, me not seeing a coyote or my dad smashing out of the woods or seeing Petra’s dad and the deputy sheriff. I keep my eye on Mr. Gregory, because he looks so dang mad. I see him see Petra lying there and then he sees me holding this big old stick and I know right away what is going through his mind. Before I can even say anything he is flying at me. This old, real proper man flying at me. I see his feet actually leave the ground and I think, Well, crap, he thinks I did this to Petra. For the second time that day I get the wind knocked outta me, and let me tell you, it hurts a heck of a lot more the second time round when you can see what’s coming.

Then Mr. Gregory is on top of me, screaming something I can’t understand, and the whole time I’m not breathing so I can’t tell him what really happened, that they should be out there looking for my dad. But the only thing that comes outta me is a big “oomph!” Suddenly the deputy is there and he yanks Mr. Gregory offa me.

“Martin!” Deputy Louis screams. But Mr. Gregory is still trying to pound on me, saying something about pervert and how he is going to kill me. “Martin!” he screams again. “Martin, look at him!” And finally, Mr. Gregory drops his fists and looks at me, really looks at me and then at Petra.

Mr. Gregory looks down to where Petra is lying and he bends down. I can see him check to see if she is breathing. Mr. Gregory starts crying then. And I think I never saw a man cry before, really cry. I stand up and try to see what he is seeing. And my second thought is, she’s died. I let her die. I was supposed to take care of her until help came and she died. So then I start crying.

“Thank God, thank God,” I think I hear Mr. Gregory whispering over and over and I try to stop my blubbering to listen more closely to him. “Thank you, God,” Mr. Gregory says even louder.

“Is she okay?” I ask him, trying not to sound like a little kid, but my voice sounds all squeaky, so that it’s pretty clear that’s all I am.

“Ben, what happened?” Deputy Louis asks me. “Are you all right? Who did this to you?” And I know just then that at least the deputy doesn’t think I hurt anybody.

“My dad,” I whimper, giving in to the mess of it all. “My dad did it,” I cry. And in an instant, Deputy Louis has his arms around my shoulder, telling me that it’s gonna be okay. But how could it be?

“Petra needs a doctor, right now,” Martin says. “We need to get help up here right now.”

Deputy Louis gets on his walkie-talkie and says a few numbers that I take to be secret police codes and then I thump right back down on my butt, because all the fight has gone outta me and I can’t do one more thing. My legs feel like rubber, my face hurts and I figure Mr. Gregory broke something in me when he tackled me.

“A helicopter is coming in from Iowa City, but we need to get Petra to the nearest clearing, which is at the bottom where we came up from, Martin,” Deputy Louis tells him.

“I don’t think we should move her,” Martin says worriedly. “How are we going to get her down the bluff?”

“An EMT crew is coming up with the officers. They can check her out and recommend how this should be done.” Deputy Louis looks at his watch. “It will be dark any time now. We need to move fast.”

I look up to the sky and can see the pink and orange colors that come out right before the sun sets.

“I think she needs medical care as quickly as possible. Please,” Mr. Gregory implores, “we need to get her help now.” Mr. Gregory is not looking at me. I’m not sure if he feels bad about knocking me down or if he still isn’t sure what part I had in all this.

Now we can hear the low rumble of engines. The four-wheelers are almost to us. They come one by one to the top of the bluff. Two people, a man and a woman who I think must be the paramedics, hop off and rush over to Petra and immediately check her over. I scoot over to the far side of where the action is, trying to stay out of the way. Deputy Louis is busy talking to a group of police officers and to Ranger Phelps, who has come up on horseback. I sit back and just watch for a while and try to keep my eyes open, but keep dozing off.

I open my eyes and I can hear the chop, chop of a helicopter coming closer. It is night now. I can see stars, sharp little pinpricks of light above me, and I feel cold even though everyone else looks like they are sweating. Everyone is fussing around Petra, and everyone seems to have forgotten about me. I’m not the one hurt real bad, but I feel lonely sitting in my own little corner of the woods, with everyone hustling to make sure Petra is okay. I wonder about Calli. She musta got down the bluff and got help. I wonder where she is now and I look around for someone who doesn’t look too busy for me to ask. But they are all running around, so I just wait and watch. Watching Petra being strapped to that stretcher and dangling from the helicopter down the bluff is just about the scariest sight ever. The helicopter looks like a big old bird and Petra looks like something clutched in its talons. But I saw a lot of scary things today. I can’t see Mr. Gregory, but I imagine it is all he can do to not jump up and try to drag that stretcher right on back to solid ground.

We all watch as the helicopter takes her on down the bluff. She’ll only be in the air for a minute, then they will put her in the helicopter and carry her off to Iowa City. I wonder how we will get down the bluff.