particularly ill at ease about the neighborhood-an unfamiliar car, the front door left slightly ajar, something, anything. At such times, he would walk her to her door. She would invite him in. He would politely decline the invitation. Sometimes he felt quite strongly that he should accept. But he felt even more strongly that he didn’t want to complicate things.
Tonight when they arrived at her apartment building, he parked the car and wordlessly accompanied her up the walk and the stairs to her apartment. For the first time, he took the key from her hand, unlocked the door, and pushed it open.
Later, she couldn’t say why she did it. Maybe because this evening at dinner he’d seemed to share his feelings with her more openly than ever before. Perhaps it was his unique gesture of taking her key and opening the door.
Whatever the case, as he opened the door, she slipped her left hand to the back of his neck and kissed him gently on the lips.
Startled, he pulled back. She immediately sensed that she had misinterpreted the signs. She dropped her hand and moved back, only to be clasped firmly in his arms and pulled forward and upward. The kiss that followed was passionate.
Still locked in their embrace, they began moving through her door, when, without warning, a resident of an adjoining apartment opened his door and stepped out to retrieve his afternoon paper.
For an instant, all three were immobile in mutual embarrassment.
The man swept his paper from the floor and stepped back inside his apartment so hurriedly he almost stumbled. For Jeffrey, the moment was past, the magic gone. But not for Grace; Jeffrey had to peel her arms from his back.
“Come in, Quent, come in,” Grace pleaded. “It doesn’t matter. He went back inside. He can’t see us now. It’s all right.”
“No! Excuse me, Grace. I don’t know what-I’m sorry. My fault entirely. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He stepped away quickly and hurried down the stairs and out of sight.
Grace stood where he’d left her. She waited until she heard the outside door open and close.
He was gone. But not the memory
She entered her apartment, closed the door, leaned back against it, and closed her eyes.
Her imagination began to film a movie. Her neighbor was expunged. She and Quent, still locked together, moved into her room. They kissed, more and more deeply. They moved, as if in adagio, into the bedroom, where their passion overflowed.
Afterward, he held her as, completely relaxed, they basked in each other’s silent company.
Grace held the image all evening in happy contentment.
Quentin Jeffrey did not share her reverie fantasy. Immediately after starting his car, he turned off the heater. It was cold, but he was very warm.
And then, as was his wont, he assessed the situation.
He had let his testosterone run rampant, even if only for a few moments. He thought he had convinced himself after his wife died that there simply was no outlet for passion in his life anymore. And now an unguarded moment had put the lie to that conviction.
The good news was he’d been able to extinguish the fire before it became a conflagration. At the very least, an affair with Grace Mars surely would contaminate the atmosphere at work. He’d seen that happen so often when he’d been in business. Sex between workers, especially between employer and employee, even if not actually in the work arena, usually led to disastrous consequences.
He hoped that his letting down the protective layers, even so briefly, would not jeopardize the genuine friendship, as well as the business relationship, that had grown between them. He didn’t think it had.
He had been driving with his mind in neutral. He shook his head and opened himself to the present.
There was something scheduled this evening. What was it? A gathering of some sort. Of course! How could he have forgotten poker with the gang? No wonder; after what had just happened-and after what had almost happened-he might well have forgotten his name.
But the game was set to start at 10:00. Later than usual. Perfectly acceptable; he could easily lose himself in a card game. And tonight he needed to get lost.
Here he was now, parked in front of his own home without a clear notion of how he got here. Force of habit, perhaps. There was still almost an hour before the game. Time to go inside and relax a bit.
He left his outerwear in the foyer closet. The thermostat had been programmed to have the house warm for his projected arrival. He poured a generous glass of Glenlivet neat, and slumped into his recliner chair.
He slid a mouthful of Scotch around in his mouth. Cleaning his teeth, he explained to himself. Also permeating his taste buds with that singular, satisfying piquancy.
He contemplated the glass, Martini for dinner and now Scotch. He didn’t used to mix his beverages like this. He didn’t used to drink this much.
Was his drinking becoming a problem? He didn’t think it necessary to admit that. He used to drink with Maryanne, his late wife, but almost always in moderation. A little wine before and with dinner occasionally. A nightcap. Nothing like it was now.
His attention turned to the end table across the room. On it rested a photo of the two of them. It was a posed portrait taken many years ago at a happy time of life. They had health, security, fulfillment, and, most of all, each other.
Now she was gone. And he was left with … what? A bottle?
He felt an urge to go over and turn the picture face down. He couldn’t bring himself to do that; he loved Maryanne too much. Though she was gone she was still a part of him.
And it was this dichotomy, her presence and simultaneous absence, that was tearing him apart.
If only she were alive. Sitting in this room. Now. They would be listening to music, and reading-he the newspaper, she a book. From time to time one would read aloud to the other and they would discuss what they were reading. One of them would say something silly. They would both laugh.
It was so quiet in this house. Not a sound. With the storm windows in, even the noise of the rare passing car was so muffled as to be almost unheard. So quiet. No one to talk to. Not even a companion.
He rose from his chair and walked slowly to the liquor cabinet. He refilled his glass. Not even any ice. He studied the glass again. It was going to be one of those nights when he drank himself to sleep.
No poker tonight; by the time he finished his second glass of Scotch he would be in no condition to play the game up to his usual standard of concentration. Odd; he considered himself capable of driving, but not of playing a game-albeit a game he considered an extension and measure of life.
He dialed the familiar number at St. Aloysius church and left his regrets for the evening on Clete Bash’s answering machine. It was his best shot. Bash would be sure to check his messages before the game. Never can tell when the media might want some information or, better yet, a statement.
He sank again into his recliner.
He was lonely. Terribly, terribly lonely. And it wasn’t just conversation he needed. If there were any doubt, the earlier events of this evening were a pretty clear signal.
Grace Mars was a desirable woman. She loved him. He knew that, even if before this evening he had not consciously acknowledged it. If it were not for canon law, if he were free, she would marry him. He could live very well with Gracie.
His mind was fogging.
Just a few months ago, his doctor had explored his drinking during a regular checkup. They had agreed he was not an alcoholic. Not yet. But his drinking had intensified, and the doctor had warned that this periodic compulsion to drink to the point of unconsciousness could lead to lost time spans-blackouts.
When he was in the mood to be brutally honest with himself, he had to admit that just maybe this had already happened once or twice.
If he were not careful, it could happen tonight.
With deliberate resoluteness he poured the remaining Scotch down the drain and, a bit blearily, turned on the television. It was a game show that, on top of what he had drunk, soon lulled him to sleep.
