my eyes shut. No. Mzatal wasn’t here to ease the nightmare. And now I understood his words, his desire for me to “reconsider my quarters.” He’d kept the dreams at bay while I stayed with him, let me sleep in peace.
I returned inside and went to the bath chamber. My thoughts tumbled over each other as I took a long soak. Dawn came, but when the faas arrived with food, I could barely choke down a few swallows of chak. I tried again to study, but at the morning bell gave up, gathered up all my papers, and headed to the workroom.
Sitting at a table against the back wall, I spread out my notes and sought calm, which proved tough to do when I felt haggard on innumerable levels. I gently pulled power from the grove, as much to mask my thoughts as to seek an elusive peace.
Mzatal entered, and I stood. I didn’t do the “Lord Mzatal” thing. He got that message clearly last night.
“Greetings, Kara Gillian,” he said, eyes on me and holding himself with a too-smooth facade that spoke volumes more than any expression of hurt or anger could have.
Taking a deep breath, I gave him a nod of acknowledgment. “We could engage in some bullshit about getting down to work, or we could talk about the other shit. Which would you prefer?”
He stepped forward. “The work has no value or substance while the other hangs between us.”
“Agreed,” I said, a bit surprised at how calm I sounded. I sure as hell didn’t feel it. “A question for you then. Assuming we had no agreement stating otherwise, if I were to ask you to have Idris send me home, would you?”
Mzatal shook his head slowly. “No.”
I gave a snort of humorless laughter. At least he wasn’t lying to me. Though it felt like too little too late, at this point. “Then why did you even bother with that bullshit in the agreement?” I asked. “To lull me into some sort of false ease?”
His eyes narrowed. “You asked what I would do if there was no agreement,” he replied, voice oddly tight. “Were there no agreement, there would be many other factors considered as well. There
“And where in all of those
His head lowered, eyes remaining on mine. “Under the agreement, you are not a prisoner.”
My mouth twisted. “And you made damn sure I’d agree to it, too. You used that well-honed qaztahl deceit to fudge your answer to my question so that I’d buy it. You knew damn well what I wanted to know.” I met his gaze steadily. “You’ve said yourself—repeatedly—that you can’t help reading me. But you
A whisper of anger or frustration passed over his face. “And what has changed in the time frame given?
Anger churned in my gut. “My doubt or lack of doubt has nothing to do with this,” I retorted. “What’s changed is that I see the fucking bars now. And you
A shimmer of silver-blue potency flashed in his eyes. “Kara Gillian, you have four qaztahl holding you at the top of their target list,” he said, near spitting the words. “I had no time to toy with the devastating introduction of doubt into your process of learning the shikvihr. You do not consider doubt a factor. I
“Yeah,” I said, giving a slight nod. “Well, at least you admit it. And yeah, you did all this for my own safety and for the best reasons, blah, blah.” I shrugged. “Only problem with all that is, now I know I can’t trust you. From here on out I’ll always be wondering what the catch is, where the hidden trap is. Wondering what else you do because you know what’s
He didn’t move or speak for several heartbeats, then abruptly turned and exited to the balcony, hands in fists at his sides as he went to the far end rather than his usual place right outside the door.
My anger didn’t abate with his departure. In a swift, decisive move, I yanked the ring off my right hand and hurled it against the wall as hard as I could. Breathing raggedly, I seized my papers and got the fuck out of the workroom and away.
Chapter 35
I returned to my room and dumped my papers on the bed, tried to pace away my fury and angst, but it was like attempting to put out a house fire with a garden hose. I finally gave up and changed into the first bathing suit I could find, dragged on my robe, and stalked to the pool, all the while praying I wouldn’t run into anyone—human, lord, or demon. It wasn’t simply that I didn’t want to talk to anyone; in my current mood, there was too much chance I’d do or say something I’d no doubt regret later.
Kinda like what I’d already done. My right thumb kept creeping over to where my middle finger met my palm, feeling the absence of the ring as if I’d lost a part of me.
I guess I’d had a hidden fantasy that once we talked openly, everything would sort itself out and
I stripped off my robe, threw it onto a chaise, and dove into the pool. I didn’t count laps, simply focused on my strokes and the rhythm of the turn at each end, yet still my mind whirled. With Mzatal’s bullshit dumped on top of Rhyzkahl’s treachery, and the Four Mraztur targeting me, I now had five lords on my shit list and could say with conviction,
Even as I thought it, I knew lumping Mzatal with the others wasn’t fair. But damn it, he’d consciously duped me. I told myself it wasn’t the end of the world that we weren’t BFFs anymore, but it just felt
I pushed hard off the wall, stroked savagely for the other end. I’d survived a lot of shit before. I could get through this. All of it: recovering from the torture, learning the shikvihr, getting Szerain’s blade, being the target of the Four Mraztur, Mzatal’s distance. I could do it. Yeah, it would’ve been better in all sorts of ways with Mzatal’s close support, but oh-fucking-well.
The anger wasn’t helping and neither was thinking. I kept swimming until I didn’t have to think anymore.
By the time I stopped, my muscles burned and trembled, but the fury was gone and my thoughts were clearer. I rested my forehead on the stone at the end and closed my eyes. Yep. My plate was piled high with shit,