I kept my hands in my pockets. “You got a minute?”
If he took offense, he didn’t show it. He motioned for me to follow him back to his office. The desk sergeant snuck one more look at me as I went past him down the hallway.
Flashes of old conversations ricocheted through my head as I followed Bazer. The Coronado Police Department was the only place I’d worked as an adult and as much as I wanted to shut out the memories of having worked there, they forced their way into my mind like morning sunlight through the blinds. There was an ache in my gut and I couldn’t tell if it was because I hated the place or because I missed it.
Bazer’s office was a small, square room, devoid of any personality. Metal cabinets, a desk that housed a computer, a wire basket and not much else. The smell of Lysol permeated the room. He didn’t motion for me to sit in one of the two chairs opposite his desk, but I did so anyway.
Bazer shifted the papers on top of his desk. “How are you, Joe?”
“I’m okay.”
“Have to say I’m surprised to see you. Heard you were back but didn’t expect to hear from you.”
“I’m back just temporarily.”
He nodded like he understood that and I wondered why I’d felt compelled to say it.
“I’m helping out Chuck Winslow,” I said.
Bazer kept his hands on the papers, creating a neatened stack. “He seems to be in need of help. On a couple of things.”
I couldn’t tell whether it was a dig at Chuck or a statement of fact. “I’m trying to help on both.”
Bazer leaned back in his chair. “We’ve got it covered, Joe.”
“Who jumped him on the beach?”
The lieutenant studied me for a long time. “What are you doing here, Joe?”
“I told you. I’m trying to help Chuck.”
“And we’ve got guys on it.”
“I’m an investigator. His attorney hired me to help.”
“I know Jane hired you,” he said, his tone measured. “I’m aware of that. But it doesn’t mean we’re going to include you in our investigation. You wanna work around the edges, I’ll let you do that.”
“I don’t need your permission.”
Bazer took a long, deep breath and leaned forward, placing his hands flat on the desk. “Are you here to fight with me, Joe? Because if you are, it would save us both a lot of time if you would just say so.”
“I’m here to help a friend,” I said, telling him half the truth. I probably did want to fight with him, but I wasn’t going to admit it. “I was hired as an investigator…”
“And since you used to work for this department, you should have no trouble recalling our policy in working with investigators,” Bazer said, his calm demeanor cracking a bit as he pointed at me. “So you should also know I’m willing to cut you a break to let you work around the edges. Because if you were anybody else, I’d tell you to get off my island. I don’t want anyone near my cases except my officers.”
“That your way of making things up to me?” I asked.
A humorless smile took residence on his face and he chuckled quietly, tapping his fingers on the desk. “So you did come to fight with me.”
TWENTY-SEVEN
Elizabeth had been gone for exactly twenty days the last time I’d been in Bazer’s office.
I dropped a newspaper on his desk. “What the fuck is this?”
Bazer ignored the paper and stared at me. “Sit down, Joe. You look exhausted.”
I was beyond exhausted. I’d slept maybe twenty hours in the twenty days since Elizabeth had disappeared. I’d barely been able to stomach food. Showering had become a near impossible task. I was fried and I knew it.
But that morning’s paper had lit a brand new fire under me.
I sat, my hands shaking. “What the fuck is going on, Lieutenant?”
He scanned the newspaper and his mouth set in a firm line. “I can’t control the media, Joe.”
“You didn’t deny that I’m a suspect in my daughter’s disappearance.” My voice cracked on the accusation, my throat dry and raw. “You told me I wasn’t. Did you lie to me?”
Bazer set the paper down and folded it in half, as if hiding the article would make it go away. He could have set it on fire and eaten the ashes and I knew that I’d never forget that paper for the rest of my life.
Lauren and I had agreed-we wanted media coverage of Elizabeth’s disappearance. We felt that the more people were talking about her, the more times her face was seen, the better the chance that we would see her again. We also knew that doing so would open us up to scrutiny, but we were prepared for that. We hadn’t done anything wrong and we just wanted our daughter back.
But that morning’s story had rattled me.
“I told you,” Bazer said. “You are not a suspect. We know that you didn’t have anything to do with Elizabeth’s disappearance.”
I stood, slamming my fist on his desk so hard the floor rattled. “Then why didn’t you say that?”
The paper had quoted Bazer as saying in direct response to a reporter’s question regarding my status: “The investigation is ongoing and no one has been ruled out as a suspect.” The article reiterated that I was an officer in the Coronado PD and that Bazer, when pressed, declined further comment.
“You know how it works,” Bazer said, nudging the paper in my direction.
“Yeah, I do know how it works,” I said. “And you didn’t clear me when you had the chance. So what the hell is going on?”
Bazer rubbed at his chin, eyeing me. “Sit down, Joe.”
“No.”
“That’s an order, Officer Tyler,” he said, his face icing over. “Sit.”
I did.
“Have you given any more thought to what we talked about a couple of days ago?” he asked.
My mind was like a blender, a million things running through it at once and I couldn’t sort any of them. “Any more thought to what?”
“To stepping down while we look for Elizabeth.”
“No.”
“I need you to think about it, Joe, because…”
“I meant, no, I’m not taking a leave of absence, Lieutenant.” I was adamant.
He’d approached me a week earlier, suggesting that I take some time off. I’d immediately rejected the idea. I’d gone ten straight days without working from the moment Elizabeth disappeared and I quickly learned that every free moment was an invitation to drag a razor across my wrists. I’d flooded my mind with theories, second thoughts and nightmares and the last thing I needed was more idle time.
“Joe, I really think…”
“I’m fine, Lieutenant. I don’t want time off. I’m fine.”
“You know that I can make the decision myself, don’t you?” Bazer said, tilting his head, squinting at me like I was difficult to see. “I can send you home right now and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”
“I’m fine.” I knew I sounded like a broken record.
“If I suspend you, do you know what that will look like?” Bazer continued. “Do you understand how that will look for you?”
I shifted in the chair, placing my hands on my thighs, willing them to stop shaking. “I am fine, Lieutenant.”
“I’m trying to help you, Joe.”
I didn’t want to keep repeating myself, so I didn’t say anything.
Bazer blinked several times and rubbed harder at his chin. “I saw you arguing with Elizabeth.”
The ticking clock on the wall suddenly intensified, sounding like a jackhammer. “What?”
“Two weeks before she disappeared,” he said, watching me. “At the beach. I was driving by. Early
