Angel with Two Faces

always have done the right thing,’ he said eventually, a note of bitterness in his voice. ‘Morveth was right – there was no going back.’

‘But I gave in anyway. I couldn’t argue with you any longer, and the more you talked, the more you said you loved me, the more I hated myself for what we’d done and what it had led to. You thought you were bringing me back from that water by giving me hope, while all you were really doing was proving to me that I had to pay for everything that had gone wrong. And I couldn’t do that by taking the easy way out.’

‘So I persuaded you to punish yourself by living?’

‘Yes. We’ve always been selfish, you and I, and I’ve never really felt any great impetus to make amends for what I’ve taken – but I did then. I looked at your face, and it was cut and bruised and ugly – and that seemed to say everything about the way I’d loved you. Nathaniel would have said that I was paying for my sins, I suppose, but there was nothing noble about it, nothing good, and I don’t expect any great reward for it in another life. This one has been more than enough for me. I thought you’d tricked me, you know.’

‘Tricked you? How?’

‘By persuading me to live and then going into the pool yourself. It was one more thing that I could never forgive you for.’

‘I didn’t plan it that way – you have to believe that. After I left you, I had to get away. Turning my back on you for good was so hard, and I didn’t trust myself to stick with what I’d resolved to do, so I wanted to get out before I weakened and changed my mind. I rode Shilling as hard as I could along the Bar, partly to do just that and partly to feel the exhilaration of that ride one last time, but something got in my way. That idiot Christopher threw something at the horse and frightened him to death. He shied away and started making for the pool, and there was absolutely nothing I could do except hang on. We hit the water, and it was as though I’d suddenly come to my senses. Everything that had happened in the last few hours suddenly seemed more real. I suppose I’d been in shock until then, but everything came into focus and I knew that I was fooling myself. I couldn’t run away from what I’d done, and I couldn’t live without you. You’re right. Death is the easy way out, but I didn’t have your courage and I decided to take it. I knew Shilling was strong enough to make it to the other shore, especially without me to weigh him down, so I just let go.’

‘I don’t understand – why would Christopher do something like that?’

‘Because I’d given him such a hard time over Loveday, I suppose.’

‘But there was nothing going on between him and Loveday. Morveth checked with Jago to make sure.’

‘What would Jago know? What do fathers ever know? Of course there was something going on. I caught them together one evening at the boathouse, told him to keep his hands off the living and gave Loveday a telling-off she’d never forget.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘Because I promised her I wouldn’t as long as it didn’t happen again – not for a few years, anyway. I thought that would make her think twice before going behind our backs.’

Without a word, Morwenna got up and put her arms round him. Surprised, and hardly daring to believe what was happening, he returned the embrace. When she raised her face to him, he saw that she was crying. ‘You didn’t believe me until just now, did you?’ he asked gently. ‘Why, Morwenna?’

‘Because of how she was with you. When things changed between us, you shut me out – you and her.’

‘I missed you, and it felt like Loveday was the only family I had left – but not like that. Never like that.’

‘I’d see you coming back into the house with her after you’d been out somewhere together. She always looked so happy, and I remembered – how could I ever forget? – that was exactly how I used to feel when I’d been with you. Like nothing could touch me, like the whole world was mine for the taking because I had you, and nothing and no one else mattered. So when I found out she was pregnant…’

‘Loveday? Pregnant?’

‘Not any more – she lost the baby, thank God, but I thought it was yours.’

‘Is she all right? She didn’t seem ill.’

‘Yes, she’s fine. She’ll soon forget about it – her big brother’s back and all’s well with the world. I wish it were that simple for all of us.’ She sat on the straw again and pulled him down beside her. ‘What made you change your mind once you were in the water?’

‘Fear. Nothing more honourable than that. I let myself sink deep down into the lake and it was so cold, so dark. I’d never thought about the darkness before – it was the loneliest moment I’d ever known. If I’d weighed myself down or allowed the sea to take me instead, it would have been different – I’d have left myself no choice. But it’s very difficult to stay down there when all your instincts are to live. I don’t know how long I was under the water. It can only have been seconds but it felt much longer. I could tell you that I came back up to punish myself like you did, or I could say that it wouldn’t have been fair to die after persuading you to live – but the truth is I just couldn’t do it. I reached the surface close to the shore, by that tangle of low-hanging branches on the western side, and I was disgusted with myself for not even having the decency to die properly. That’s when it came to me – if everyone thought I was dead, I could start again as someone else. We could start again.’

‘So you used the other man’s body to fake your own death?’

‘Yes. I knew I didn’t have long because it had been light for some time, so I went back to where I’d left it and carried it to the thickest part of the wood. I was exhausted, and sick to the stomach at what I was doing, but I tried not to let myself think of him as a human being. I put my own belt and boots on him, and took his money – he had enough on him to get me out of the area for a bit and to see me through until I could find some casual work in a place where I wouldn’t be recognised. Then I carried him to the bank where the water’s at its deepest. I knew the body would be unrecognisable if I made sure it was in the lake long enough – I remember overhearing Jago Snipe talking to Dad once about a drowning he’d brought out of the pool – so I weighed it down as best I could and pushed it in.’ For the last few minutes, Harry had been afraid to look at Morwenna but he could not avoid it any longer. ‘Aren’t you horrified by what I’ve done?’ he asked, surprised to see how calm she looked.

It was a long time before she answered. ‘I know what you’re capable of, Harry. You killed our parents and it didn’t stop me loving you, but it put a distance between us. Now, I don’t know what I feel. Numb, I suppose, and frightened of the violence.’

‘But I’d never hurt you.’

‘I know you wouldn’t. But you would hurt – you have hurt – because of me, and that’s worse. This darkness in you – I have to carry it inside, too, and it frightens me that I’m prepared to do that, simply because it’s better than having nothing of you at all. What does that make me?’

‘Would you rather I’d stayed away?’

‘No, of course not. I told you – I’m too selfish for that. But it’s not straightforward like it is for Loveday.’ She leaned over and touched his cheek. ‘And like it seems to be for you. You really do think we can start again, don’t you?’

‘Yes, if we went away somewhere. It could be straightforward if nobody knew us, if we could forget about the past.’

‘And what about Loveday?’

‘She can come with us.’

‘Don’t be so bloody naive, Harry. We can’t drag her away from a place she loves and expect her to act out our lies for us – that isn’t even feasible, and it certainly isn’t fair.’ She must have seen the desolation in his face, because her next words were softer and he knew she was trying to be kind. ‘I can be your sister, but I can’t be your lover – here, or anywhere else.’

‘So it’s all been for nothing?’

‘Is that really nothing? You could still have a family, Harry – even here. We could find a way, make something up to explain it.’

‘Here? Now who’s being naive? Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said? I’m a murderer, Morwenna – I can’t just turn up again from nowhere without people asking questions. I’ve killed someone and let you bury him thinking it was me.’

‘But there’s no proof.’

‘He was wearing my belt, for Christ’s sake. And there’s Nathaniel.’

‘My God, of course – you don’t know, do you? Nathaniel’s dead, Harry. Someone killed him the other night at the Minack. I’m sorry – I know you cared about him and I know this will sound heartless, but he can’t tell anybody