Myth-Gotten Gains

describes how we came to be an independent, united dimension, by defeating our enemies. The first verse is the usual bluster, albeit true, how great Pervects are. The second goes on to list our conquests of other dimensions. Subsequent verses are about maiming and torturing our enemies, all in the name of freedom, going into exquisite detail, including how my ancient ancestors had their way with the captured women, to further our chosen way of life. It had eighteen verses, fifteen of which I hadn't sung since school. Once I could remember the first line of the next stanza, it came rolling out like I was back in Miss Grimnatz's primary school class. I started to relax, belting out the high notes, and rumbling the low ones like threats.

After verse two, the members of the audience in the first few rows, which was as far as I could see with the spotlights in my eyes, looked uneasy. After verse four, some of them started to get up and edge toward the doors. The sixth verse, which features a pretty good description of hot irons and whips, made them run for the doors. Wimps, I thought.

I finished the song without blowing a single line. At the end, I held out my arms for applause. Instead of the expected roar of approbation, it was tentative and faint.

'Hey, there,' Buirnie said, when I glared out over the footlights at the unseen audience, 'sympathy applause is better than no applause at all, eh?'

The drum beat a rim shot.

'Thank you, thank you,' Buirnie said, modestly. 'Now, the voting! Everyone hand in their ballots. He peered into the darkness of the audience. 'Is anyone out there?'

The Trolls lumbered off the stage. They were back in a moment. One of them brandished a sheet of paper. 'Here's duh vote,' he said.

'One vote?' Buirnie asked, astonished.

'There's only one guy out there.' The Troll pretended to count on his fingers. 'Yeah.'

'Just one,' the second Troll confirmed. 'Dat old pink guy. Don't hear so good.'

'Well, all right,' Buirnie said, faintly. 'Who won?'

The Troll pointed at me. 'He did.'

'I did?' I said, doing a double-take. Then I straightened up. 'I mean, I won! Yeah. Well, did anyone doubt it for a minute?'

Tananda zoomed in and gave me a passionate kiss of congratulations. 'Never, handsome.'

'My hero!' Calypsa declared, running out and hanging on my arm.

'You sounded like an alligator gargling ball bearings,' Asti said. 'But you did it. Well done. The drinks are on me.'

'Never mind that,' I said, uncharacteristically putting liquor behind duty. I turned to Buirnie. The golden Flute looked up uneasily at me from his cushion. 'All right, I won your cockamamie contest. You got a suitcase you want to use?'

The Flute regarded me with some confusion.

'Er, what for?'

'You're coming with us, aren't you?'

'Well, no. I can't.'

'No?' I bellowed. 'After I stood up and sang? You bet you're coming.'

'You made a bargain, Buirnie,' Ersatz said severely.

Buirnie turned to his fellow Hoard members. 'You know, I never liked any of you. Bringing a Perv...Perv...Pervert into MY theater!'

I couldn't help myself. 'That's Per-VECT!'

I reached out to yank his little ferrules off. The Trolls grabbed me and twisted my arms behind my back.

Buirnie gulped. 'Not so fast, not so fast, er, Pervect! I was just jerking your chain. I just wanted to see how badly you wanted my help. You would not believe how many untalented fame-seekers come looking for me, hoping to make a fast buck in the troubadour world. Of course I will help you. I am a member of the Golden Hoard, after all! Our job is to fight for right. I'll join you'

'Good.' I relaxed, and the Trolls let me go. 'Let's pack you up and get out of here. We've got three more treasures to find before we can get Calypsa's grandfather out of hock.'

Buirnie tootled a protest.

'Not so fast! I will join you in six months, when my current tour ends.'

'Six months!'

Calypsa sank down beside him.

'But I need you now! My grandfather has only a couple of weeks before Barrik will kill him! I do not know how he survives in the terrible dungeons of the evil Barrik, eating perhaps who knows what awful food, and subjected to frightening tortures!'

Buirnie turned large, sympathetic emeralds toward her. 'Well, little lady, I am sorry. This program that I'm working on boosts the self-esteem of thousands of would-be performers of many races. The needs of the many, you understand, outweigh the life of one, no matter how devoted, fan. How bad could prison food be? And torture—let me tell you about

torture! I have to listen to thousands of untrained singers just to find a few who can get up on stage and belt it out! I have another week here, then I go to Imper, then Zoorik, then Chimer, so, it was nice seeing all of you, but unless you want tickets, there's nothing more I can do for you.'

'This is important!'

'So is this, little lady.'

'To your ego, perhaps, mighty fife,' Ersatz said.

The Flute let out a blast that made my teeth curl. 'It's not just my ego! If you knew how many lives were being changed here, you wouldn't be so dismissive. Sure I get some ego-boo out of it. This is a battle for the fine arts, for the souls of these people. There's a harmonic convergence on the way that will join together force lines in six dimensions. Peace will flow among these races. It'll be the greatest thing to happen since...well, since never. Well, it was nice to see you. I hope it never happens again. Maybe by the time my tour ends you'll figure out some other way to rescue Calypsa's grandfather. Bye!'

I shook my head with a sigh. 'You know the trouble with you, pal, is that you protest a lot, but you've got one big weakness.' 'What's that?'

'You're portable.' I reached for him.

'No! Don't touch me!' He let out a tremendous shriek. The sound went right through my sensitive ear drums and into my brain, but I couldn't move my hands to protect my ears. Suddenly, the tune changed. One of my feet lifted and set down again. Then, the other one rose and fell. My arms developed their own personality, something they were channeling from an insane disco dancer. They waved and flailed as grace-lessly as drunks at a wedding, but that was nothing compared with what my feet were doing. Hop-hop-hop, slide, hop-hop-hop, slide, kick, kick. The music was irresistible. I couldn't stop moving.

'Aahz!' Tananda shouted, twirling like a Dervish in drag. 'Do something!'

'I am,' I growled, through gritted teeth. 'I'm doing the Spanish Panic.'

The obvious solution was to get Buirnie to stop playing. Fighting my disco-infected feet, I struggled to move toward him. I felt as though I was swimming upstream. The harder I fought to control myself, the more frenziedly I danced. Calypsa whirled and pirouetted around us like a ballet dancer caught in the spin cycle of a tumble dryer. I got within a couple of feet of the Flute, but I couldn't force myself any closer.

'Stop the music,' I ordered Buirnie.

'No!' he said. The music continued even while he was talking. Evidently he was an expert at multi-tasking. 'Not until you agree to go away and leave me alone. I'm happy here.'

'Since when,' Ersatz asked, jouncing along on Calypsa's back, 'were you or any of us meant to be happy?'

'Well, I admit that I came to it late in life, old pal, but it's really nice. You should try it!'

'I have no intention of 'trying it.' My joy lies in service to others. You cannot keep these people dancing forever.'

'Don't have to,' Buirnie said. 'My Trolls will throw you out into the street, and that'll be that.'

'They're stuck in your musical spell, too,' I pointed out. 'If you let them go, we're free, too.'