magicians tried out their new acts for one another, private rooms for banquets and business meetings, repair facilities for magikal items, a wine cellar that would astonish maitre d's at the hotels around us.
'That's all right,' Tananda said, sauntering toward the deep, velvet-covered couches and divans that were arranged in cosy conversation groups all over the vast room. 'We'll just make ourselves comfortable.'
'Say, Bub,' I said, drawing the sawn-off doorwarden aside. 'Is there any way I could arrange for a private conference with my friend in there? I don't want to disturb anyone else, but we've got to have a major professional conversation.'
The Squirt eyed me. 'You know the rules about ruining the decor. No incendiary magik, no summoning
elementals, no ordnance except what's specified in the Magus Convention.'
I held up an innocent palm. 'If anyone rips the wallpaper, it isn't going to be me,' I promised him.
'All right. I'll have a word with the others and see if they'll give you a little privacy. Come with me.'
I trailed him to the library door. He stepped through and turned to give me a harried look.
'Well? I haven't got all night.'
I rammed into the invisible barrier. I pounded on it with my palms, then my fists. It didn't make a sound, but I couldn't move any farther forward. 'What the hell is going on here? I'm a member in good standing.'
'Hmmm.' The Squirt came over to me, then held up his palms and walked all the way around me. He frowned. He did the hand test again. Then he beckoned. From amidst the trapeze show on the ceiling swooped a gray-skinned, winged and fanged hulk in a tuxedo. I recognized him as Savona, a Scourge, denizen of a dimension I didn't visit very often, partly because the locals make me think of vampires on steroids. Villagers with torches and pitchforks don't run after them, they run away. Scourges were very long-lived, very smart, and very tough. The Club had employed them for millenia. I suspected that the current employees might even be the originals. They have senses not unlike those of bats, including hearing that make Pervects seem as deaf as elderly Klahds. If you whisper a drink order anywhere in the club, the Scourge behind the bar will make it for you and send it to your table on a wisp of force. They believe in good service, but they still give me the creeps. Having one show up when you aren't expecting him is a good way to get a cardiovascular workout while sitting down.
'How may I serve, Mr. Polka?' this one asked, very politely.
'Test him, Mr. Savona,' the Squirt said.
The Scourge's left eyebrow went up. 'But, this is Mr. Aahzmandius.'
'That's what he says. Test him. Something's wrong. Why can't he go through the members-only barrier?'
Savona fixed his gaze upon me. The large black eyes seemed as though they were looking right through to my backbone. He lowered his voice.
'Mr. Aahzmandius can't pass the barrier because his ties to the force lines are broken.'
'He has no magik?' Polka asked. 'Then, why did the main door let him through? Even if a stranger answers all the questions, it doesn't mean the portal recognizes him.'
'He is carrying a very powerful magik item in the bag over his shoulder,' Savona said, aiming a talon-like fingernail at Asti's bag. 'No doubt the door thought it was coming from him. The same for the ladies in his company.' He bowed to Tananda and Calypsa. Tanda wiggled a couple of fingers at him and smiled invitingly. Savona's complexion turned a deeper gray. Even Scourges weren't immune to Trollops' charms.
'Items? What kind of items?'
'All right!' I said, slapping Polka heartily on the back. 'You got me! It worked!'
'What worked?' Polka asked, his little face wrinkling in concentration.
I leaned forward confidentially. 'The board of directors didn't want it known yet, but they wanted to check the security systems here in the club to make sure they are working. They've sent in several other members over the last month—maybe you've noticed a few of them? They seem perfectly normal, but there's something a little off about them?'
Polka looked astonished, but Savona cleared his throat gently. 'Like the Deveel that had been multiplied into triplets? He only had one membership card, but he requested admission for all three of his simulacra, sir.'
'I remember. We let him in. I wasn't happy about it, but his was the face on the card. However, we did not allow him to buy three drinks for the price of one.'
'Yes, that's right,' I said. 'You handled that one just right, too.'
Polka frowned.
'So let me get this straight—you let the Board remove your powers temporarily so you could trigger the 'members-only' barriers?'
'Yup. And to see if I could get you to let me into the rest of the club premises even though I don't qualify.' I laughed heartily. 'But you stuck to procedure. They're gonna be really pleased with you, lemme tell you!'
Polka looked horrified. 'Why would anyone do that? Leaving yourself. ..helpless!'
'Well,' I said, looking modest. 'Sometimes you've just got to take one for the club, you know? Rule 46: a member must keep the well-being of his fellows uppermost in his mind at all times.'
'That's Rule 47,' Polka said, peevishly. '
Savona cleared his throat again. The soft sound had menace behind it. His fangs gleamed.
'He's lying, Mr. Polka.'
'No, I'm not,' I said, heartily. 'I'm just a good guy helping out.'
'This is the first that I have heard of a test of the security system. I have been in charge of that department for 1,043 years. The Board has never shown any signs of being discontented with my work or that of my colleagues. There have been no significant breaches that would provoke them to undertake such a test. I believe he must have lost his powers under some other circumstances. I am afraid, though, that such a loss does constitute grounds for dismissal from the membership.'
'Hold it, hold it!' I said. 'I'm still a magician. Of course. It takes more than power to qualify. You know that. There's prestidigitation, misdirection, illusion, none of which requires magik.'
'That's very true.' Polka snapped his fingers, and a pink sequined top hat appeared in his hands. He thrust it at me. 'If you are still a magician, then pull a rabbit out of this hat.'
Now, everyone was looking. Tananda started to make motions. She was going to try and raise a rabbit for me behind everyone's back. Of all the gin joints in every dimension, this was the wrong one. Everyone in the lounge turned to stare at her.
'Yipe!'
Savona aimed a talon, and she and Calypsa were both wrapped up in a cocoon of ribbons from shoulder to hip.
'I am terribly sorry,' he said. 'No outside interference is permitted. Pray proceed.'
I was on my own.
'Well?' Polka asked. I grinned painfully.
'C'mon, I don't do rabbits,' I said. 'That's small-time stuff.'
'Small-time?' A tall, thin, blue-skinned magician rose up in indignation. He was about three feet taller than I was. He loomed down at me. 'Pulling rabbits from hats small-time? I'll have you know I have wowed them at the Borean Palace for over fifty years with rabbits!'
'Look, I'm not trying to offend you,' I said, reaching up with some difficulty to slap the Bore on the back. 'I'm just into bigger effects, that's all.'
'Then produce one,' Polka said. 'Not with the help of your assistants. Not with the help of those fancy gizmos you have with you. Just you. Wow us.'
I'm famous for thinking on my feet, but there's times when not even slick talking will help.
'Look,' I said, leaning closer to the Squirt and grinning companionably. He leaned away. 'You wouldn't embarrass an old member, would you? Down on his luck, and all. I'll get 'em back one of these days. In fact, that's what I came to talk to my buddy about' restoring my powers. You wouldn't want to get in the way of that? I've been a member in good standing for decades. Don't I get a little leeway?'
'Well...' Polka's expression softened slightly, but Savona's didn't.
'I would like to point out that the monitors have detected the character of the items concealed about the persons of Mr. Aahzmandius and his colleagues. They are
Even I could hear the capital P. By now we were attracting attention. I tried jollying him. 'It's just part of the
