Waterborn

is very strange. It makes me sick, because it happens when I am awake, as well.'

'What?'

He drew in a steadying breath, wished for the thousandth time that he had a flask of hot woti.

'I see a cottonwood,' he said, gesturing out at the bank. 'But I do not think 'cottonwood.' I think 'hekes.'' The strange word slipped off of his tongue and left a bad taste behind. 'I see the sky, and I think 'ya.' It is as if the dreams are swallowing me up and leaving themselves in my place.'

Ngangata looked evenly at him. 'I'll tell you what I think. I think the River wants you to do something, something involving this girl. Or maybe it is the girl herself; maybe she is a goddess or some powerful sorceress. I think you have been compelled to go to this city down-River, summoned the way a shamaness summons a familiar or a god. I think I am caught up in this with you because the River is very, very powerful but not all that wakeful or discerning. Like the Forest Lord, he makes no great distinction between you and me. We entered the River together, that is all be knows. And then you woke him up by trying to go upstream, made him notice us.'

'I'm sorry.' Perkar sighed.

'You've said that so often that it is just a sound to me,' Ngangata replied. 'But, Perkar, I hold no ill will toward you— not anymore, at least. The River drew you to this, somehow, guided you.'

'No,' Perkar disagreed. 'No, my stupidity was my own. Even if the damned River chose me somehow, that was my fault, too.' He explained, then, for the first time, about the goddess, his love for her, her warning, his blood and seed loosed into the stream. Ngangata listened patiently, and when Perkar was done, he slowly nodded his head.

'I see,' he said ruefully. 'I have had the ill fortune to meet a hero, a lover of goddesses. Now everything comes clear. Had you told me this when we met, I would have ridden far away, avoided you for the rest of my life.' He grinned sardonically. 'It is my firm policy to avoid heroes,' he confided.

'I'm not a hero,' Perkar snapped. 'I'm a fool.'

'There is no difference,' Ngangata answered. 'A hero is merely a fool glorified in song. A hero is words woven around mistakes and tragedy to make them seem fine.'

'I don't…'

Ngangata sighed. 'Believe it or not, I heard the great songs as a boy, too. At first I loved them, imagined myself as the great hero Iru Antu or Rutka. But as I grew older, I knew myself. Knew that I would never be a hero; heroes are always Human, and whatever I am, I am not that. When I realized this truth, I began to hear the same songs in a different way, Perkar. I began imagining that I was not the hero, but one of his friends or companions. Or even an enemy.' He glanced at Perkar meaningfully, to make sure he understood. He was beginning to, and though he had thought himself numb, Ngangata's words struck pain in him.

'What happens to the hero's companions, Perkar? Destiny cares little for them. They die so that he can avenge them, or they betray him so that he can punish them. The ground where a hero passes is littered with the bodies of his friends and enemies.'

Perkar closed his eyes, remembering the dead faces of Eruka, Apad, the old woman in the cave whose name he had never known. The Kapaka without even the dignity of a burial. Ngangata, suffering from day to day, barely alive. And, of course, the goddess, who tried to stop him, save him from destiny.

'She wanted me to be a man rather than a hero,' Perkar said, and to his horror discovered a tear trickling down his face. 'She tried to make me into a man.'

'Then she is a rare goddess,' Ngangata replied. 'The gods love making men into heroes. It is their nature. They do it without even meaning to, most of the time. It is in the nature of their relationship with us.'

'This takes none of the blame from me,' Perkar muttered.

'No. But if a song is ever made from this, it will take all your blame, place it on the shoulders of the gods.'

Perkar looked up fiercely, though more tears were starting. 'Such a song would be a lie,' he snarled.

Ngangata snorted. 'Songs are lies. That is their nature.'

 

 

Night came, and Perkar lay on his back, studying the stars, lulled by the gentle motion of the boat but not yet willing to sleep, to turn himself over to River dreams. Ngangata was undoubtedly right. The city downstream, the girl, the River— something was pulling him there, against his will. When he got there, did whatever they wanted, would he be released? At the moment the only release he could conceive of that would give him peace was death. What he wanted more than anything was to see Ngangata escape, cut loose from him, no longer the companion of a hero. Ngangata did not deserve such a fate. If the 'Ekar Perkar' were to be sung one day, it must not contain a stanza about Ngangata dying in his arms.

Perkar took out his sword, lay with it across his chest.

'What is your name?' he asked it.

'I'm not sure I remember,' the sword responded.

'I have a question for you, no-name sword.'

'Yes.'

'Will you permit me to die? Cut my own heartstrings, here, now?'

'No, I cannot do that. I know you desire it, but that is not how I am made.'

'What if I throw you in the River, as you suggested?'

'That was hypothetical. I would never let you do that.'

'You are cruel, then, nameless. It would be best for us all.'

'Perhaps not. Perhaps you are called to do something wonderful.'

'I don't believe that,' he countered. 'I don't believe that there is anything wonderful to do.'

The sword didn't answer right away. Above, a cloud drifted across the stars. Ya'ned, sighed the dream in his head. Cloud.

'Harka,' said the sword.

'What?'

'That was my name, long ago. I have been called many things, as a sword. Jade, Sliver, Fang. But my name was Harka. I was a very young god… I barely remember it. I went out into the world clothed as an eagle, and was killed. The people who killed me were kind enough; they sent me back to be reborn on the mountain. The Forest Lord caught me, and 1 was born as this sword.'

'Harka. A fine name. Harka, please let me die. I'm tired of being dragged this way and that, of having no will of my own.'

If a sword could snort in contempt, it did. 'You know nothing of that,' it replied.

He lapsed back into silence, wondering if he would ever learn not to shame himself.

He closed his eyes only briefly but dreamed much. Dawn opened his lids back up. Harka was still across his chest.

'You wake just in time,' the sword informed him. 'Someone wants to speak to you.'

Puzzled, Perkar sat up. The sun was a mountain of red light directly before their bow. He blinked at it. Ngangata was still asleep. What could the sword mean?

Something on the bank caught in the sunlight, pulled his eyes that way. The Riverbank was thick with reeds and bamboo, a virtual forest denser than any he had seen in many days. They were just passing the mouth of a small river; a bar of sand extended toward them like a tongue, deposited there by the incoming stream.

A woman stood on the bar, watching them. It was she, of course, slim, beautiful, shining in the morning. She was weeping, her eyes fixed on him. As he watched, she walked toward him. He could see her reluctance, see the muscles in her legs bunching, as if she were being dragged by some force he could not discern. Her foot stepped off the bar, touched the water, and she melted. When that happened he heard, as clearly as a silver bell, a little gasp of pain, of horror, and even worse, of submission.