‘Nothing I can do to dissuade you from this course of action? Everything that you are doing is so utterly, utterly wrong. Can you not understand how wrong it is? Listen, let’s go and have a beer. I know a nice little place – Fangio’s Bar. We could drink some beer and talk the toot. I’m sure I could explain things better over a few beers.’
‘No beers.’ The Homunculus turned his back and fluttered his fingers.
‘Perhaps a sweet sherry, then, you old-’
‘What did you say?’ The Homunculus turned back.
‘Nothing,’ I said. Just testing, I thought. Because I had not spoken. I just wanted to know whether the Homunculus could hear my thoughts as I could hear his.
And he could.
‘Yes,’ said he. ‘I can. And they do all seem to be rather confused, the past and the present all jumbled up. However do you ever get anything done with such chaotic patterns of thinking?’
‘I get by,’ I said. And I tried very hard to think those words convincingly.
‘You do not get by, Tyler. You have never got by. Your entire life has been orchestrated and manipulated, if not by me, then by Mr Ishmael. Tonight is probably the first time in your entire life that you have done any real thinking for yourself and made any decisions that weren’t already prearranged for you.’
‘Rubbish,’ I said. ‘I’ve done tons of independent thinking.’
‘And it’s never crossed your mind to wonder why things have always been there, right there, exactly when you needed them? You wish to descend into subterranean depths, and there just happens to be a supplier of subterranean appliances and appurtenances right across the street?’
‘That was just a happy coincidence.’
‘There have been no happy coincidences in your life, Tyler. Everything was put there, for you to “find”. And all so that ultimately you would “find” yourself right here. Right now.’
‘Lies,’ I said, ‘all lies.’ And I had a bit of a struggle. But that was a waste of time. And one of the ninjas kicked me. Quite hard.
‘Ouch,’ I said.
‘It wasn’t that hard,’ said the ninja.
‘For half of your life, Tyler,’ the Homunculus continued, ‘Mr Ishmael guided you, saw to it that you learned what he felt you needed to learn in order to defeat me.’
‘I know that,’ I said.
‘When you were doing your little out-of-body walkabout, Tyler-’
‘You know about that?’
‘I taught you that, while you were in your coma. I protected you. You would have gone completely gaga if I hadn’t. And then you would never have been able to enter Begrem, fulfil their prophecies and bring me the mother- to-be of my magical son. But what I was trying to say was that when you were doing your little out-of-body- walkabout tonight, Tyler, you should have popped down to the freezers in the basement. The big padlocked one at the end has Mr Ishmael’s head in it.’
And the lightning flashed and the thunder crashed and I was far from happy.
‘All right,’ I said. ‘Say I believe you, that you have kept me alive until this night. Why? What do I matter to you?’
‘You really haven’t figured it out?’ Papa Keith Crossbar stared very hard at me. ‘No,’ he said, ‘you haven’t figured it out. Why you are involved in this. What your part in it is. You really have no idea who you are, do you?’
‘I am Tyler,’ I said. ‘And I will kill you. You will die tonight. I make a promise to you of that.’
‘Sadly no,’ said Papa Keith, rubbing his pudgy hands together and doing a little pace up and down. ‘You will die tonight, Tyler. You are the sacrifice, the magical child who must die if another is to be born. You are the virgin sacrifice.’
‘I’m not a virgin,’ I said.
‘I think you will find that you are. In order to not be a virgin, you do have to have had sex with someone other than yourself.’
‘I’ve had sex with loads of women. I was around in the swinging sixties. I was at The Stones in the Park gig, in the green room with Marianne Faithfull.’
‘Tyler, you have never had sex in all of your life with anything other than Miss Hand and her five lovely daughters.’ And he waggled his fingers once more.
‘How dare you!’ I cried. Most loudly.
And the ninjas sniggered.
‘I’ve had loads of sex,’ I told them. ‘I had sex earlier this evening with Ms Williams, the tall woman from Sales Services.’
And wouldn’t you know it, the other ninja kicked me.
‘Ouch!’ I went. ‘That was hard.’
‘Ms Williams is my girlfriend,’ said this other ninja.
‘Yeah, well, take it up with Trevellian. He was snogging her by the lift on the thirty-seventh floor only a few minutes ago.’
‘He was what?’
‘In front of a load of people. No shame at all.’
‘You’re making it up.’
‘Wake Dave up and ask him.’
‘Cease this nonsense!’ cried Papa Crossbar.
‘I’m not having this!’ cried the ninja.
‘Stay put!’ And Papa Crossbar did foldings of the brow. And the ninja did clutchings of the skull. Which loosened the grip upon me by a factor of one. But didn’t help my situation too much.
‘I’ve had loads of sex,’ I said.
‘You’ve had none,’ said Papa Crossbar. ‘Both Mr Ishmael and myself saw to that. We both needed a virgin. It’s a magical thing. Don’t go bothering yourself about it.’
‘But I was married.’
‘But you never actually did it with your wife.’
‘This is outrageous,’ I said. ‘Let go of me,’ I told the ninja who wasn’t clutching his skull. ‘This thoroughgoing swine has stopped me having sex for nearly all of my life and I’m nearly seventy years of age. At least let me punch him once, really hard, in the face.’
The ninja looked towards Papa Crossbar. ‘What do you think, Boss?’ he asked. ‘One punch in the face seems fair.’
Papa Crossbar did further foldings of his brow. Which had my other captor clutching at his skull. Which at least left me with my hands free.
‘Don’t even think about it,’ said Papa Crossbar.
But I was. And I couldn’t stop.
‘You had to be pure,’ said Papa Crossbar. ‘Kept pure, to fight on one side or the other. The choice of which side was always ultimately yours. Personally I think you chose the wrong side. You should have thrown your lot in with me.’
‘You? ’ I said. ‘YOU? But you are an evil madman who wants to wipe out the entire World. Why in the name of all that’s holy, or otherwise, would I want to throw my lot in with you?’
And Papa Crossbar stared very hard at me.
‘Because you are my brother, you oaf,’ said he.
70
‘Your brother!’ I shouted. And loudly I did so. ‘You are no brother of mine.’
And I sprang forward to do wringings of the neck.
