‘Why are you reading from the copy of Advertising Executive Today magazine on the bar counter?’ asked Fangio.
‘Shut up,’ I said to him.
‘Oooh,’ went Fangio. And he mimed the holding up of a handbag.
‘We can’t just go in all guns blasting,’ I said to Elvis.
‘Why not?’ asked the King of rock ’n’ roll.
‘Because, for one thing, I am not certain whether it can be proved that your brother has actually broken any laws. I know I’ve seen him do-’ And I cut myself short. I didn’t want to mention what had happened to Laz to Fangio. But regardless, I couldn’t prove anything. Not, I agree, that it mattered, as he was going to have to be killed. I just didn’t really want to be around when the actual killing was done.
‘That’s no reason not to shoot him,’ said Fangio. ‘It sounds like he’s a wrong’n. That’s good enough for me.’
‘So do you want to do the actual shooting?’
Fangio stuffed peanut buttery stuff into his face. ‘Not as such,’ he said. ‘But if you want him throwing out of this bar, then I’m your man.’
‘I will bear that in mind.’
‘Why doesn’t Elvis shoot him?’ asked Fangio. ‘It’s a family affair, after all. As Sly Stone used to say when he drank in here. Before I threw him out.’
‘Uh uh,’ said Elvis. ‘I can’t kill one of my own, no matter how evil nor intent on the extermination of all human life they may be.’
‘I’ll just make a note of that,’ said Fangio. ‘Not that anyone I tell will ever believe you said it.’
‘Mr Woodbine must do it,’ said Elvis, ‘because this will be Mr Woodbine’s greatest ever case. The one everyone will remember him for. And be forever in his debt-’
‘Hold it there while I get a pencil,’ said Fangio.
But Elvis continued, ‘This case will be the case for Lazlo Woodbine. And who but Lazlo Woodbine could solve this case? My evil brother must be tracked to his secret lair and destroyed. And the world will be saved and all the world will honour Lazlo Woodbine for saving it.’
‘Got it,’ said Fangio, raising a pencil. ‘One more time, if you will.’
But Elvis shook his head. ‘Mr Woodbine will deal with this,’ he said. ‘And he was right – I must return to Vegas and prepare for my tour. I will leave this case in the safe hands of Lazlo Woodbine.’
And he reached out a hand to me and I shook it.
And Fangio stuck his out for a shake, but Elvis did not shake his.
And then Elvis said, ‘I have your address, Mr Woodbine. I’ll have further money sent on. And you know my address – keep me informed, if you will. And thank you, sir. The whole world will thank you when this is done. But I can thank you now.’
And then he sort of bowed. And did that thing where he whirls his arm about and goes down on one knee. And he produced from another pocket a silk scarf, and this he hung about my neck. And then he swiddled from the bar. My bar. Like that.
Just like that.
Elvis had left the building.
And I looked at Fange.
And Fangio looked at me.
And we shared a moment. An Elvis moment. And it was a special one, too.
‘Who was that masked man?’ asked Fangio.
‘Why, don’t you know?’ I said. ‘That was the Lone Ranger.’
And then we both laughed and shared another moment. And I came almost close to being happy, but not quite.
‘So what would your plan be now, Laz?’ asked Fangio. ‘If you are no longer going for the four-location format, how do you intend to deal with this Case of Cases, this Case to End All Cases, this Ultimate Case, this Case Beyond-’
‘Shut up!’ I said to Fangio. ‘I’m thinking.’
‘Do you wish to indulge in further pirate repartee? Or do some more guessing-the-ingredients-of-cocktails humour? Or should we simply talk the toot and see what comes to pass?’
‘It’s a Woodbine format thing, talking the toot,’ I said.
‘I’ll miss that, then,’ said Fangio, sadly.
‘Oh, don’t worry, you’ll have plenty to think about, training for your new career.’
‘My what?’ asked Fangio. ‘I mean ah-harr-harr-harr. My what?’
‘New career,’ I said. ‘Don’t forget, I own this bar now, so you can consider yourself sacked. And I’ll take over behind the bar. Where I can think about this case in peace. Dawn of a new era and dawn of a new format, eh? Lazlo Woodbine, Private Eye/Barman. Hold on, it’s coming to me – Lazlo Woodbine, Private Barlord. A pint, a quip and another case solved.’
‘Please tell me you’re joking,’ said Fangio.
‘I am,’ said I. ‘But not entirely. I wish to employ my newly developed Tyler Technique to this case. Which, I agree, will be the Biggest Case That Ever There Was. It would appear to be my fate to deal with this evil being that is the brother of Elvis. So, Fange, today will be the dawning of a new era in crime detection. And it will all begin here. What is today’s date, by the way?’
‘The sixteenth of August, nineteen seventy-seven,’ said Fangio.
‘All right,’ I said. ‘And so this is the date that people will always remember. As the day I took on the Ultimate Case.’
And yes, folk would remember that date.
And I’m sure you know why.
49
‘What do you have in the way of cocktails?’ I asked of Fangio.
The fat-boy did blinkings of his patchless peeper. ‘Won’t you be heading off to have a showdown with the bad guy?’ he asked me.
I made major tutting sounds. ‘Mustn’t go rushing into things half-cocked, ’ I said. ‘These matters take time.’
‘Well, some things never change, then,’ said the barlord-for-now. ‘The original Lazlo Woodbine used to make his cases last and last.’
‘What are you implying?’ And I raised an eyebrow, but lowered the brim of my hat.
‘Oh, nothing.’ Fangio did innocent whistlings. ‘I’m not suggesting that as you are being paid by the day, it might be in your interests to keep the case going for as long as possible.’
‘Such a thought has never crossed my mind,’ I said. And I made the face of one appalled. Which, added to my raised eyebrow and lowered brim, presented Fangio with a formidable impression of outraged innocence.
‘Hm,’ went Fangio. ‘But hey, I am interested – exactly how does this Tyler Technique of yours work? You just sit about doing nothing and hope that something will happen – is that it?’
‘It’s much more complicated than that.’ And I waved the barlord on his way with an order for cocktails and quickly.
And I sat on my favourite bar stool and gave this matter some penetrating thought. The Tyler Technique had not as yet been tried and tested, so it might take a while to perfect. And if I was getting paid by the day, and I was, then these days would not be wasted. They would be spent bringing the Tyler Technique to perfection. And with it the case to a satisfactory conclusion. And, pleased with the logic of this, I awaited my cocktails. And yes, I did mean cocktails in the plural.
And eventually Fangio returned with cocktails in the plural.
‘A Round-of-Chainshot, a Dead-Man’s Chest and a Bloke-on-the-Blower, ’ said Fangio.
