‘Where? ’ said Fangio.
‘But there’s only a quarter of a million dollars in this account.’
‘I’ve had expenses.’
‘Such as paying people to go on holiday for you.’
‘Well, actually, no,’ and Fangio shook his head. ‘I was just about to finish organising that this very afternoon but I got all distracted by you walking in.’
‘So many distractions,’ I said. ‘I don’t know how you cope.’
‘Oh, I think it’s being so cheerful that keeps me going.’
‘Right,’ I said. In the way that I always said, ‘Right.’
‘So I’m glad that’s all sorted out.’ And Fangio turned his attention once more to the newspaper. ‘There is mention here of a reward,’ he observed.
‘Travel club,’ I said, thoughtfully. ‘Tell me, Fangio, would you still care to invest in someone going on holiday for you?’
‘Oh yes, I certainly would. I was getting rather excited about the whole thing. The travel. The digging up. The discovery. The glory.’
‘The what?’ I asked.
‘I was thinking of financing an expedition,’ said Fangio. ‘I thought it would be more exciting than just a plain old holiday.’
‘An expedition?’ I said.
‘An archaeological expedition. To seek the Lost City of Begrem.’
The dark sun went behind a cloud and a dog howled in the distance.
‘Don’t you just hate it when that happens?’ Fangio asked.
‘Right,’ I said once more. ‘And so, and I have to ask you this, have you had anyone volunteer to go on this expedition for you?’
‘No, like I said, I was hoping it would get organised this afternoon – I put an ad in Freeloader Today magazine (incorporating Australian Backpacker Today magazine and Off-to-Kathmandu-to-Get-My-Head-Together Today magazine) and applicants were supposed to turn up here by-’ And Fangio checked his watch.
‘Isn’t that my watch?’ I asked him.
‘Hard to be sure, what with all the excitement and everything. But-’ and he checked this watch once more ‘- they should have been here by now. So no takers, I suppose.’
I sighed deeply and drew some more on the neck of my bottle of beer. Fate can play strange tricks, can’t it? And if I didn’t know better, and know, as I did know, that God did not intervene in the ways of men except by tampering with the weather, I might well have come to the conclusion that this opportune coincidence was the work of Divine Providence.
‘Oh well,’ said Fange. ‘You can’t win them all. I’ll go back to my original plan and advertise for someone to take their family to Butlins in Bognor, England.’
‘Not so fast,’ I said to Fangio.
‘Oh, it wouldn’t be that fast. I’d want to spend some time composing the words of the ad very carefully. I don’t want to blow it a second time, do I?’
And I shook my head and sighed a bit more.
‘That’s very plaintive sighing, Laz,’ said Fangio. And I rather liked it that he called me Laz. ‘You want to cheer yourself up. Get away from things. Escape from your troubles. My God!’ And Fangio brought his right fist down into his left palm. ‘I’ve just had an idea. You will never believe what has just occurred to me.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I’ll just bet that I won’t.’
‘How much?’
‘Don’t start. I’m not in the mood right now.’
‘But it’s the solution to your present worries. It was there staring me in the face all the time and I never even saw it.’
‘Go on,’ I said, in as tolerant a tone as I could muster up. ‘Surprise me.’
‘This holiday business,’ said Fangio.
‘Yes? Go on.’
‘Oh come on,’ said Fange. ‘It’s obvious, isn’t it?’
‘Is it?’ I asked. For I was, at least, enjoying this old toot.
‘Well, you need to get away from it all. And I have the wherewithal-’
‘Yes?’
‘So why don’t I go on holiday and you can stay here and mind the bar for me?’
And I never hit him. Not at all. Because I wasn’t up to hitting. And because he was a friend. But I did explain things slowly and clearly.
‘Oh,’ said Fangio. ‘I see. So I finance you to seek the Lost City of Begrem. That’s a bit of a left-fielder. I would never have thought of anything as radical as that.’
‘Given time you might,’ I said, kindly.
‘I think you’re only being kind,’ said Fangio.
And I agreed that this was probably the case.
‘You haven’t, perhaps, purchased any tickets?’ I asked.
‘To The Sumerian Royalty reunion? No.’
‘To Begrem?’ I suggested.
‘Ah, no,’ said Fangio, ‘because no one knows where it is. It is a lost city. And you have to find a lost city.’
‘I know where it is,’ I said.
‘I would like to express considerable surprise at that statement,’ said Fangio, ‘but I regret that I can’t, as I have to go and serve another customer. I should have done it earlier, really, to punctuate our conversation in a better place. Sorry.’ And Fangio wandered off to serve a customer.
Which gave me a moment to do some thinking.
And I pulled out that scrunched-up piece of paper.
The piece of paper that Major Lynch had left upon my bedside table.
And I unfolded it carefully and spread it out upon the bar counter.
It was really a bit of a mess, all tea-stained and beer-stained and otherwise stained in a manner that it was not perhaps decent to speak of openly. But stained it was, nonetheless.
I viewed this stained and crumpled piece of paper. It was a map, this was clear. But that it was a map was all that was clear.
It was all just lines, interlocking, with little dots spread here and there along them. And one big dot surmounted with a cross and the words Begrem, it is here. But as to spot-heights, benchmarks, Cartesian coordinates, coincident line features, demographic data, grid references or link-node topology, or indeed any number of other wonderful things that you find when you check the Ordinance Survey Database, there was nothing that could even place the map as being part of any particular country. No go.
And then the shatter-glass door opened. And wouldn’t you just know it, although I hate like damn to have to use that phrase again, but wouldn’t you just know it, in walked two of New York’s Finest. Big guns and nightsticks and all. And I sank low over my little map and kept my eyes averted.
And Fangio smiled towards his newly arrived clientele, bid them the big hello and served them the beverages of their choice without of course asking for payment, because these were policemen after all. And he directed them to a cosy corner booth where they could drink undisturbed and then he returned to me.
‘Fancy that,’ he said. ‘Two policemen coming in here.’
‘I don’t fancy it at all,’ I said. ‘Thanks for tucking them out of the way. I think I might have to take my leave quite soon.’
‘So do you want to settle up before you go?’
‘Fangio,’ I said to Fangio, ‘you have tricked me out of the bar that I tricked you out of and half a million dollars. And you still think I should pay for these beers?’
‘You’d think I’d know better, wouldn’t you?’ said Fange. ‘But I don’t.’
