I Shall Not Want

she couldn't see the dials, stabbing at the button until she broke one of her already-short fingernails off at the quick, and then she couldn't see anything because her eyes were full of tears.

She crumpled to the floor, leaning against the cool white metal of the washing machine, crying and crying for Amado, who had trusted her to keep him safe. Crying for Russ, wearing his hard face and body armor. Crying for herself, foolish and pitiful because a few things were missing or broken. Like her heart. Like her life. And she didn't know how to begin to clean up the mess.

Someone was knocking at the door, a steady rat-tat-tat that sounded as if it must have been going on for a while. She lurched to her feet, grabbed a washcloth from the clean laundry teetering atop the dryer, and scrubbed her face with it.

She went to the kitchen door and looked out. Elizabeth de Groot. Oh, God. Just what she needed. She unlocked the door.

'I came over as soon as I heard,' Elizabeth said, barging through the door. She looked around the kitchen, wide-eyed. 'Good heavens. This is awful. You poor thing.' She turned toward Clare. 'You're all right, aren't you?' She swept Clare with an appraising glance, taking in her crumpled dress, which now seemed indecently bare, given the hour and the events. 'I mean, he wasn't still here when you got in, was he? He didn't…' Elizabeth let her voice trail off, suggesting A Fate Worse Than Death.

'I'm fine,' Clare said. 'Whoever did this was gone before I arrived.'

Elizabeth stripped off her windbreaker and hung it over a chair back. 'What do you mean, 'Whoever did this'? There were two police cars over at the old Peterson place looking for Amado Esfuentes. That's how I found out what happened.' She shook her head, then began picking cans up off the floor. 'Where do these go?'

'Elizabeth.' She had to take control of the situation right now or God knows what rumors would be whipping around town. 'The police are looking for Amado because he could be a victim. They think he may have been taken by the-by whoever killed those other men.'

Elizabeth stacked the cans on the counter and bent to retrieve two more. 'That's what that nice officer I spoke with said. But he also said Amado might be the murderer.' She straightened and glanced around the kitchen. 'Seeing this mess, I can believe it. Was anything stolen?'

'Fifty bucks. The MP-Three player I use when I run. A few pieces of jewelry. Nothing of much value.'

'Ah.' Elizabeth put the cans on the counter. 'Easy to drop in his pocket and walk away with. I wouldn't be surprised if he wrecked this place because he was angry you didn't have any more. Thank God he didn't go for the communion silver.' She looked at Clare. 'He didn't, did he?'

Clare shook her head. 'I was over there earlier with Deputy Chief MacAuley. Nothing's missing. And I reprogrammed the alarm system,' she said, cutting off the question forming in the deacon's eyes. 'I left a sticky note on the front and back doors, so, hopefully, no one will try to get in tomorrow before me.' She resisted the urge to sit at the kitchen table and bury her face in her hands. 'I'll have to think of some way to let everyone know.'

'Don't you worry about that. I made a few phone calls while I was driving over. To the vestry and the wardens. I asked them to let others know. Sort of an informal phone tree.'

'You did what?' This time, she didn't resist. She needed a chair to support her. 'Good God, Elizabeth. Next thing you'll tell me you've already informed the bishop.' There was no answer from the deacon. Clare raised her head and glared at the other woman. 'Elizabeth? Tell me you haven't spoken to the bishop.'

'Don't be silly. It's ten thirty at night. I wouldn't pester the bishop at this hour.'

'Good, because-'

'I left a message with his chancellor. And with Deacon Aberforth, of course. You ought to call him, by the way. He was very concerned about your well-being.'

Clare wanted to knock her head against the wall. No, she wanted to knock Elizabeth's head against the wall. 'There was absolutely no need-' she began, but Elizabeth cut her off.

'The bishop isn't just our superior, Clare, he's our pastor as well. Wouldn't you want to know if one of your flock had been assaulted and vandalized?'

'I wasn't assaulted!'

'You were a month ago. That Amado Esfuentes was neck deep in it then, and instead of letting the police handle it, you brought him into the rectory. Lord knows, I'd never say 'I told you so'-'

Oh, yeah?

'-but these things do happen to you, Clare, and it's because you simply don't think before you act.'

Clare opened her mouth to argue, then thought of the dance. Russ, and the music, and the warm night air, and the words. Walk me back to the rectory. She hadn't exactly been thinking then, had she?

'Clare.' Elizabeth sat down opposite her. 'I'm not here to be right. I'm here to help you get it right.' She patted Clare's hand. 'Don't look so glum. I know you're trying to keep your promise to the bishop. He's not going to blame you for this bit of nastiness.' She stood up and faced the kitchen, hands on hips. 'Now, let's tackle this-'

The door swung open. 'Clare?' Anne Vining-Ellis tumbled in. 'Oh, thank God, you're okay. Mrs. Marshall just called me and told me what happened.' Clare stood to greet her and was almost knocked down by a bear hug. 'Elizabeth, are you taking her home?'

The deacon looked surprised. 'Well… no. I'm here to help put the rectory to rights.'

'What, tonight? To hell with cleaning up. Clare, go get your pj's and a change of clothing. You're coming to my place.' Dr. Anne sounded every inch the emergency room physician, snapping out orders and making split-second decisions.

Clare hadn't thought of leaving, hadn't been thinking of anything except putting the pieces of her life back together, but the idea, the freedom of simply walking away for a while, stunned her. 'Really?' Then she remembered. 'I can't. After morning Eucharist tomorrow, I've got to go down to Fort Dix for National Guard training. I won't be back until Tuesday evening, and I can't stand the idea of coming back to this disaster.'

'You won't. Karen Burns is already organizing a crew to take care of everything tomorrow. Tonight, you're going to come home to where my large and thuggish sons can protect you, put your feet up, and have a good stiff drink. I'm sure Elizabeth will take tomorrow morning's service for you.'

'Well.' Elizabeth looked doubtful. 'It'd have to be Morning Prayer instead of Morning Eucharist-'

'Perfect. It's settled, then. Elizabeth'-Dr. Anne slung her arm over the deacon's shoulders-'however in the world did we get along before you came to St. Alban's?'

It took Clare five minutes to throw her things into a duffel and get back downstairs. In that time, Dr. Anne had gotten Elizabeth de Groot back into her windbreaker and was easing her out the door, slathering the deacon with comfort and praise and appreciation like it was so much melted butter. 'Night-night, Elizabeth,' Dr. Anne called out the kitchen door. 'See you tomorrow!' She shut the door. Turned toward Clare.

'Thank you,' Clare said. 'Thank you, thank you, thank you!'

'Lacey Marshall told me she was headed for your house. I figured I'd better get over as fast as I could to prevent the murder-suicide.'

Clare laughed shakily.

'C'mon. I meant it about the drink.' She opened the door again. 'I heard Russ Van Alstyne was practically necking with you at the dance tonight, and I want all the juicy details.'

IV

Kevin started to worry when he heard the dogs.