like Captain Tong shooting the old man, one inevitably started down the road of taking more and more. Bloated with self-importance, with the illusion of mission. One stayed at first for glory, then excitement, then later it was pure endurance and proficiency; one couldn’t imagine doing anything else. But there was something more, hard to put her finger on-one felt a camaraderie in war, an urgency of connection impossible to duplicate in regular life. She felt more human when life was on the edge.
It had never been that way for Linh. Something kept him aloof, safe, but he understood her addiction. Allowed it but also kept her from going too far. Like she was doing now. She ran her fingers down the map-Quang Tri, Hue, Danang, Quang Ngai, Qui Nhon-each name recalling a past, each name a time of year and a military assignment, defeat, or victory. But now each name was being erased, exploration in reverse, the map becoming instead more and more empty, filled with great white expanses of loss.
Her mind, again, became a treacherous, circling thing.
A water glass full of vodka in order to sleep; she hoped she would pass out before reaching the bottom. Her mind skipped and jumped, a needle on a worn record, and she pulled down one of Darrow’s old books to calm herself, a dip in the stream of a dog-eared passage:
The temple of Angkor… making him forget all the fatigues of the journey… such as would be experienced on finding a verdant oasis in the sandy desert… as if by enchantment… transported from barbarism to civilization, from profound darkness to light.
She had never understood Darrow’s obsession with Angkor; it had seemed strangely indulgent and romantic given his character. She fell asleep with the book in her hands, her question unanswered.
Hours later, Helen woke, panicked she had missed something. She stumbled onto her feet and dressed in the clothes from the day before. At the door she hesitated, not afraid, yet the outside seemed newly forbidding. One fell in love with geography through people, and when the people were gone, the most beloved place turned cool and impersonal.
At the presidential palace, she took out her camera and framed the columns of Soviet tanks slowly grinding their way down Hong Thap Tu Street. Fencing them in the box of her viewfinder calmed her. They turned up Thong Nhut Boulevard, pulling up bits of the broken street in their tracks and slapping them back down like mah-jongg tiles.
As a tank approached the front gates, Helen’s camera stuck. She pulled back and forth on the lever, but nothing happened. Jammed. She yanked the strap off her neck as the sound of crunched metal could be heard, clamped the camera between her knees and pulled out a lens for the second body, but by the time she had it ready, the tank had rolled over the gingerbread gate with a hollow tearing of metal. Later, she found out that there had been offers to open the gates, but the NVA insisted on breaking them down. Showmen. She cursed, the camera dropping from her knees, clattering on the pavement. Kneeling on the ground, she rubbed the lens with a tissue to see if it had been scratched. She looked up just in time to see the unfurling from the balcony of the huge red flag with the gold star of the North.
Within hours, once the Saigonese realized that their city would not be bombed, that the rumored bloodbath would not occur, people came out and tentatively waved and clapped at the passing North Vietnamese soldiers. If she knew anything about the place, it was how quickly it switched allegiances, a fickle paramour, and yet in spite of herself she felt betrayed.
Walking down the street, she was surprised to see noodle shops already reopened. At one, she spotted incongruous white-blond hair and recognized the new Matt, the young reporter she had run into the day before, slurping a bowl with a group of NVA. He had a day’s-old beard and wore the same black T-shirt she’d seen him in last time. When he saw her, he motioned her over.
“I’ve got a scoop for you this time. Check these boys out, Helen. We’re having a picnic.”
A group of five young soldiers looked up at her and giggled. They were young and skinny in their loose, mustard-colored uniforms, unsophisticated compared to the jaded, sleek SVA. They reminded Helen of polite and well-mannered country children. She wished her boy soldier would reappear, blowing his bubble gum. Most had never been in a city before, and Saigon, even in its present disheveled state, was a marvel of riches. The new rulers got lost on the way to the palace and had to stop their tanks and ask a frightened civilian for directions.
“Get this. They think ceiling fans are head choppers.” Matt laughed, his mouth full of noodles, his hand making small hacking motions against the side of his neck. “Choppy, choppy those bastards, huh?” he said, elbowing a soldier.
The fear was too fresh for Helen to sit down next to these men and slurp noodles. Matt was a fool, but he had the advantage of no history. “I’ve got to get some more shots,” she said.
“Hey, wait, I think I’ve talked them into giving me a tank ride. You could take pictures of me.”
“Maybe next time,” she said, walking away.
“What next time?” he yelled.
In the next few days the Communists did not take over the city simply because they did not know how. But given they had already won an impossible victory, no one doubted they would soon learn.
The Saigonese quickly regained their confidence when they met these naive soldiers and began to ply them with the same cheap watches and fake goods they had pawned off on new G.I.’s. Secretly they wondered to themselves what they had been so afraid of. The most obvious hardship of the takeover on Tu Do was the absence of prostitutes, not allowed under Uncle Ho’s rules of clean living.
Soon jokes were traveling the city about the new bo dois, how they used a modern toilet to wash rice and were outraged when they pushed the handle and their food disappeared.
Helen went up and down the streets taking pictures of shopkeepers tearing down their American signs, crowbarring off neon and metal, and replacing them with hastily made Vietnamese ones. A Vietnamese man stood on top of a swaying ladder, pounding at a neon tube sign that read BUCK’S BAR, with a picture of a naked girl in a cowboy hat with a lasso that moved up and down her body in red and green loops. His calves were thin and ropey, his feet in their sandals calloused, the toenails thick and yellow. A life of hard work could be seen in those legs. She filled the frame with his body, the sign behind him a blur. Glass fell in small, tinkling chips like snow, and he brushed the splinters off his cheeks and shoulders and pounded harder till the whole thing fell in the street; his face drawn with pain like he was beating a favorite child. When he saw the camera, he scowled and almost lost his balance, waving Helen off.
She made her way to the wire service offices, where Gary was camped out, a skeleton crew transmitting stories throughout the morning.
“Where’ve you been? Beating up some NVA? Or joining Uncle Ho’s army? War’s over, Helen!” Tanner said.
“Thought I’d hang out with you.”
Gary walked over to her. “Your credentials were pulled a week ago. You officially don’t work here. You’re supposed to be gone with Linh.”
“Fine. I’ll go. And take my pictures with me over to AP or UPI.”
“Don’t be that way. Let’s see them.”
“Am I back in?” She held the camera bag just out of his reach, teasing.
Gary hesitated, then laughed. “Just be careful. It’s weird out there.”
“It’s Alice in Wonderland time out there,” Tanner said.
She developed her own film, and Gary sent out all the prints because they might be among the last to go out. Her byline would be on the majority of the pictures of the takeover, her name joined with the crumbling city’s last hours. At last her stamp on a part of history. Everyone was waiting for the inevitable- communications lines to be cut. That was when the victors would show their true hand.
Early evening, the machines fluttered and went dead at last. A ripple of fear traveled the office.
“That’s it, people. Vietnam is closed for business. Let’s go to dinner.”
A mixed group of nationalities among the dozen journalists dining on the roof of the Caravelle
