The Chick Is In The Mail

fearful of the dark.

The altar stone grated and scraped. It might have been a pit into hell, so black was the hole exposed by its shifting. Licking the powder that caked my lips, I gathered my courage and crept forward with my light.

Steps led down into that hole.

One by one, I took them, nervously at first, then more surely, twelve in all. By the time I reached the bottom and a stony cavern floor, I exhaled with relief. At least, there weren't thirteen, not that I was superstitious. I gave a little laugh and wiped my brow, surprised to find a few beads of sweat. I raised my hand to the light and found white paint on my fingers.

Then I spat, nearly gagged. My lips! I'd licked them! I wiped at my mouth. It was no use. Birdshit all over me!

There was nothing to do but finish the job, get into the castle, and try to discover the fate of Prince Charming. I'd come this far; no turning back.

The map had been simple. Whenever the cavern forked, I took the left turn and made good time with my lantern to light the way. Only a few bats quickened my heart, and once a deep crack in the cavern floor. I leaped it easily.

Then, a sound whispered past my ear. I froze. The sound-a voice!-came again.

'Here comes Peter Cottontail,

hopping down the bunny trail;

grab him, squeeze him, make him wail,

gut him with my fingernail,

suck his blood and sweet entrails!'

I paused to consider. That wasn't the way I'd learned that song. Goldfish or no goldfish, I wondered if I should go on. Again, the voice.

'Now I lay me down to sleep

under the earth so cold and deep;

Death is long, and life is cheap;

Shiver, quiver, wail and weep,

Oh, shiver, quiver, wail and weep!'

Someone was trying to frighten me. Well, Bad Rose didn't frighten easily. Besides, I hated bad poetry.

'Oh yeah?' I shouted. 'Here's one for you, buddy! Roses are red and violets are blue-your momma's a slut, and your daddy's one, too!'

A pause, followed by a gasp, then a fleshy sound as of a hand striking a cheek in surpise. 'Oh my gawd! You're a girl!'

A figure moved out of the darkness and sashayed to the edge of my light, manlike, but dressed in out-of-date flared trousers and a pink shirt with ruffles at the neck and the lapels. Gold chains encircled its gray-skinned throat and sparkled in a thatch of withering chest hair. Jewelry dangled from its wrists. Rings flashed.

A stronger iron chain entrapped one of its ankles. Heavy links trailed back into the gloom.

'An old troll,' I muttered.

Astonished eyes looked me up and down. 'Why honey!' The scary whisper was gone, replaced by an almost breathless drawl. 'When I smelled human, I assumed somebody upstairs had finally remembered to feed me! They treat me like a dog you know, all leashed up and everything!' It shook the ankle chain and made a face. 'Not that they treat me at all these days, or trick me, either!' It laughed. 'It's been forever since I've seen anyone! Now here you are and so welcome, let me tell you!' It flapped its wrists until I could feel the wind passing. 'Don't you be nervous, either-everyone knows I wouldn't eat a girl!'

I wasn't so sure, so I stood my ground. 'What are you doing down here?'

It tilted its head. 'Why, honey, old King Clarence imprisoned me here to guard his tunnel!' It leaned forward conspiratorially and cupped one hand to the side of its mouth. 'As if his tunnel hadn't already been breached, and more than once, if you know what I mean!-the stories I could tell!'

My mind began to race. I only knew trolls by their reputations. I needed to get by, but I wasn't inclined to hurt the poor creature if it wasn't here by choice. I edged a step closer to show I wasn't afraid. 'Would you mind…'

I'd been a fool, suckered by its most powerful weapon-its amusing charm. It had yet more length of chain, enough to reach me. It lunged. Powerful arms encircled me. The lantern fell from my grip.

In complete darkness, I felt its breath like a cheap cologne on my face. 'You said you wouldn't eat a girl!' I shouted angrily.

'I might keep one around for company,' it answered. 'I've been so lonely. And later, who knows-it's been ages between snacks!'

I didn't want to hurt it, but it wasn't giving me a choice. 'This is no way to make friends!' I warned.

I didn't have enough freedom to draw my sword, but I could raise it a couple of inches from the scabbard. A bright blue light surged around us. The troll squealed, cast me aside, and scurried back into darkness. 'Dwarf light!' it cried. 'Horrid, hurtful dwarf light! Your blade-a dwarf forged it!'

It was my turn to laugh as I strode forward. 'Not one, but seven dwarves! All your charms can't stand against its magic!'

It shivered as it cringed on its knees and pressed its head against the ground. Then it wept like any frightened child.

'Star light, star bright!

Horrid, nasty, dirty light!

Sears the skin, and stings the sight!

I wish I may, I wish I might

Beg mercy from this snow white knight!'

An improvement over his last versification, I thought, and his last line genuinely surprised me. I raised my arm. In the sword's blue dwarf light, the powdered birdshit that covered me sparkled and glowed! 'I really am snow white!'

Call me a woman. A man would have simply killed the creature, but my heart went out to it. I offered a bargain. 'If I sever your chain,' I said, 'will you promise not to eat me?'

It lifted its head and peered with one eye between two fingers. 'You'd do that?' it said. 'For me? I'd be your friend for life-your best friend!'

I shook my head. 'I don't need a dog.'

It fingered its lip, suddenly thoughtful. 'Well, I do have relatives I haven't seen in ages! And you're not really my type. It's a deal!'

I raised the sword high over my head. The troll covered its eyes as I brought the blade down on the iron chain. Sparks fountained as dwarf magic sliced through iron. The links shattered.

The old troll squealed with delight. It lingered long enough to clap its hands and cry, 'Thank you, thank you!' Then, leaping upward, it jackknifed and plunged headfirst into the earth.

Life was just one adventure after another in my occupation. I brushed my toe at the ruined lantern, then continued on with my sword's light to guide me.

Not far beyond I encountered another set of stone steps. Eager for fresh air, I mounted them two at a time and found myself on a narrow landing. A rather loud ticking made me nervous. Raising the sword higher, I discovered a network of intermeshed gears.

I sheathed my sword. When my eyes had adjusted to the darkness again, I put a hand experimentally on the wall directly ahead and pushed. With little effort, it gave way. I stepped through the wooden casement of a giant grandfather's clock.

I found myself in a vast hall. Aside from the clock, there was little furniture, only a large table laden with platters of fruit, a pitcher, a bottle. Certain I was alone, I started forward, thirsty for a drink.

Halfway across the room, I noticed the glass coffin.

It lay on a dais that someone had draped with red velvet. A pair of braziers stood on either end of it, providing a reddish light. The glass construct glittered. Forgetting food or drink, I crept toward it, drawn by the handsome youth laid with ceremonial splendor within.

For moments, I looked down at him. No glass lid or other barrier separated us. My heart pounded. His hair, black as night and gleaming; skin flawlessly fair; lips redder, more inviting than ripe cherries!

Beyond a doubt, I had found Prince Charming. Alas, he was dead!

I couldn't help myself. Tears welled in my eyes. Never had I seen such beauty-such sleeping beauty-in man or woman. I bent over the coffin's side and brushed my lips upon his.

Behind me, a feminine voice screamed. 'Stop! Don't…!'

I spun around. A woman stood frozen, halfway down a gracefully curving staircase, her eyes wide, frightened. She had her own graceful curves. Not even the stern black dress and cloak she wore could conceal her striking loveliness. Had I been a man, my tongue would have unfurled from my mouth and written mercy! on the floor. This was the Evil Queen?

'Don't stop,' said a deeper voice. Before I could speak a hand caught my arm and spun me about again. I looked into sea-blue eyes. Prince Charming, now sitting up awake, cupped one hand on the back of my head, drew me close, shoved his tongue so far down my throat my tonsils started packing to vacate.

I couldn't-didn't want to-resist. When he finally pushed me away, it was as if gravity had ended. I reached for him again, his witch-mother completely forgotten, but he put out a hand. 'I'm thirsty,' he said, climbing out of the coffin and stretching long unused limbs. 'Find my slippers, and bring me a beer at once.'

I had no will to resist. His command rang in my brain; nothing mattered but to please him. I whirled, wondering where in this huge place a prince might keep his slippers. I ran to the table like a common serving wench. I could get his beer first, then look for the slippers.

His mother beat me to the table. Snatching up an apple, she offered it to him. 'You must be hungry after your long sleep,' she urged.

He brushed her hand aside; the apple rolled across the floor. 'Oh, Mother!' His voice dripped scorn. 'The old poisoned apple trick again!'

My heart pounded. There was no beer on the table, no beverage at all but a pitcher of water and a brown bottle of liquor. I snatched it up. Hammett & Chandler Old Brandy. A good brand! I ran back to him, throwing myself at his feet.

'Good dog.' He patted my head, then took the bottle, raised it to his lips, and swigged. He gave a loud sigh of pleasure, belched, and smiled. Then the smile vanished. He glared at his mother. 'Bitch…!' He barely got the word out. The bottle slipped from his hand, shattering. He sank to the floor. I tried to catch him, but his weight proved too much.

Pinned beneath him, I struggled to make sense of what had happened. A veil seemed to lift from my brain. 'What the…!' I thrust him off and sprang to