The Chick Is In The Mail

silver… form three lines, have your coins ready… you know the rules.' He nodded, and the band began to play 'Stillwater Faire' to cover the shuffling and talking.

Cabella turned to Mirabel. 'Do you know what Primula's upset about? She cornered me to ask about the list of people I'd addressed invitations to… she's never complained before.'

Past Cabella's shoulder, Mirabel saw Krystal's tense face. 'I'm not sure,' she said. It wasn't her place to embarrass Krystal in front of the whole group. 'I thought it was just me; she complains about my handwriting every year.'

'Well, whatever it is, she thinks it's serious. She's talking to our Chancellor-' Cabella nodded to the far corner, where Primula, gesturing and waving papers, had trapped Sophora Segundiflora.

'She thinks everything is serious,' Krystal said, with an edge to her voice.

* * *

Harald Redbeard was relieved to find that aside from a few unarmed sergeants in dress uniforms the ball consisted of civilians in fancy outfits. Some costumes required weapons, to be sure-the barbarians had fake spears, and Gordamish Ringwearer had a peculiar looking knife that couldn't possibly work in a fight- but nothing he need worry about. No one had tried to relieve him or his crew of their pirate cutlasses, which were not fake at all, and with which he intended to make a clean sweep of the gathering's jewels and gold.

His nomination of Mirabel Stonefist-whom he did intend to steal away for later enjoyment-would generate more cash in easily-snatched piles. He'd explained to Gordamish that it took fewer votes overall to win in a three-way split than a two-way split.

Now Harald leaned against the wall, arms crossed, waiting for his moment and wondering where the city guard was. He hadn't seen a guardsman all day. He imagined they were all carousing in some illegally open tavern barred to the public. This crowd now-he eyed them professionally. From royalty obviously self- indulgent to citizens full of good food and strong drink… easy marks, every one.

The only problem he foresaw was that necklace. Which one was real? Maybe he'd better snatch both. As the lines of voters thinned out, Harald glanced around and signalled his crew.

* * *

'And the winner is… ' Lord Mander bellowed. Silence fell; the woman at the Donations Table pointed to one of the piles. 'Krystal Winterborn!'

Cheers and groans from the crowd, a shriek of glee from Krystal, then a booming, 'No, she's not!'

'Am too,' Krystal said, stamping her foot. The crowd roared.

'No.' Sophora Segundiflora made her way to the nominees' stand. 'Some voters were not invited guests; Primula has explained how the misunderstanding occurred.' She scowled at Krystal, who pouted back. 'We are going to expel the wrongfully invited guests, and vote again.' In a low voice that Mirabel could barely hear over the hubbub, Sophora said, 'You're lucky, Krystal, that we care more about the reputation of the Society than you do, you naughty girl. Otherwise we'd expose you publicly.'

'But Chancellor-'

'Shut up, Krystal,' Sophora said. Then, more loudly, 'As your names are called, please line up over there-' She pointed toward the band. 'If your name is not called by the end of the list, you can simply leave and no questions will be asked.'

'Oh, we'll leave now, if it's all the same to you!' Mirabel recognized that voice, but it took her a moment to realize that Harald Redbeard and the other pirates had surrounded the Donations Table, and the cutlasses laid to the clerks' necks were not decorative accessories. Two pirates were already scooping the piles of coin into the Society's brass-bound money chest. Another pirate was creeping up behind the Queen.

Even as she stared, Mirabel felt a sharp steel point at her back. 'I'd come along if I was you,' said someone behind her. 'Cap'n's got a fancy for you, as well as them pretties you're wearing. Be a good girl now.'

Mirabel's years of training took over, and she threw herself forward off the dais, tucked and came upright; she heard the pirate curse, the boom of his foot as he leaped after her, then the louder thud of his body as he hit the floor near Krystal. Sophora stood over him, his cutlass in her hand. 'Here, dear-you're quicker.' She tossed the cutlass to Mirabel. 'Go save the Queen.'

'I'll get you!' the pirate snarled at Sophora, reaching for the long dagger in his boot, but Krystal's accurate kick made him grab something else instead. Krystal took the knife and his life before he could move.

Mirabel whirled. The Queen screeched, hands to her neck, as the pirate tugged at her necklace one-handed, while fending off the King with his cutlass. Mirabel charged across the floor, but before she could intervene, the necklace broke. The pirate thrust it into his belt, and ran for the door. Mirabel followed.

Behind her, sergeants bellowed and corporals cursed. A good dozen of the members ran for the armory, where they could find weapons enough to deal with a mere handful of pirates, no matter how vicious, but in the meantime-Harald snatched one of the wards from her booth, and held a blade to her neck. His men did the same; one even had the child who had guarded the door, holding her by her braids, with the cutlass over her head.

'Now, now-you don't want me to hurt this sweet child, do you?'

The uproar sank to a growl, and Mirabel skidded to a stop just out of reach of Harald Redbeard. He winked at her. 'Come on along, sweetheart-I'll teach you how to use that thing properly. I like a girl with spirit.'

'Do you?' Mirabel said, and signalled.

The nine-year-old dropped abruptly to the length of her braids, then bounced up between her captor's legs. Her little bronze cap hit his pelvic arch with an audible crunch. He shrieked and fell; she grabbed his cutlass and hamstrung the pirate next in line. As Harald turned to look, the girl he was holding sank her teeth into his thumb; Mirabel stepped to one side and ran her blade up under his ribs.

'I already know how to use this thing,' she said, wincing as blood spattered her borrowed gown. The girl grabbed his cutlass, and passed it to another adult. Two of the other pirates dropped the children they held, only to find that the girls were more dangerous loose, and all the guests knew how to use a cutlass when they had one.

'But you aren't real warriors,' moaned the last survivor, cowering from the blows of three energetic orphans pelting him with misshapen pottery from the pottery stall. 'Cap'n said so-'

'Your Cap'n might say something different now,' Krystal said. 'If he could.' Her blade, already bloody, swung once more.

* * *

In the aftermath of the brawl, in the flurry of cleaning up, no one could find the Queen's necklace. Not until they stripped the pirates' bodies, and the shattered remnants were found in the codpiece of the pirate who'd been felled by Sarajane. 'So the Queen was wearing paste…' Sophora said, and looked at Mirabel. Mirabel sighed. She knew where her duty lay, but how she would explain to Dorcas… first blood on the gown, then this…

'Here.' She unhooked the clasp and handed it over. 'Tell her you found it, and mine was crushed.'

Sophora smiled at her. 'Mirabel, you're finally growing up. I'm proud of you.'

When the crowd settled down, Lord Mander collected Cabella and Mirabel and tried to call for a second vote, but a loud yell of 'We already paid!' drowned him out.

Cabella took Sophora aside. 'Look-I've been Queen before, and you don't want to give it to Krystal. Why not Mirabel? She's decorative enough, she fought the pirates, and she gave up the necklace.'

Sophora looked at Mirabel.

'But I-but I never imagined-'

'Sounds like a Queen to me,' Sophora said. She gave Mirabel's name; cheers rang out. Lord Mander put the tinsel crown on Mirabel's head, and a score of men stood in line to dance with her, bring her drinks, fetch her snacks, anything she wanted.

She could get used to this Queen business.

The King himself took her hand for the last dance of the evening. The King danced better than Mirabel expected, though his gloved hand wandered along her spine.

'About that necklace,' he murmured in her ear.

'I borrowed it,' she said.

'From a gorgeous brunette in Dorcas's house?' he asked.

'Yes…' She worked it out-if he knew that, then-for the first time she felt a pang of sympathy for the Queen. Over his shoulder she saw Corporal Nitley lurking near the wine punch, only to be collared by Sergeants Gorse and Dogwood. No tropical fruit surprise this year, then. Over his other shoulder, she saw Primula herding a sulky Krystal and her followers, loaded with dirty dishes, toward the kitchen.

'Thank you, my dear,' the King said, 'for getting me out of a very sticky situation. I will, of course, explain to the… er… young woman who had been… er… taking care of it. But is there anything I can do for you?' His hand wandered lower.

'No, thank you,' Mirabel said, surprised to realize that what he could give, she didn't want. Not from him, anyway. 'Only a donation to help our poor defenseless orphans.'

A resounding crash came from the kitchen passage; Krystal stormed back into the ballroom. 'It's not fair,' she said. 'Why should I have to do all the work? I killed two pirates.'

'Shut up, Krystal,' Mirabel said, in chorus with others.

The Catcher in the Rhine by Harry Turtledove