Mr. Darcy Goes Overboard: A Tale of Tide & Prejudice

towards them! He looked so very perky, and there was clearly a bottle of Veuve Clicquot in an ice bucket and two glasses in a picnic basket in the boat and a jewellery box that most certainly was inscribed with “Tiffany” on the lid that, with a mother’s instinct, she knew instantly something was up.

“My dear Jane! He is come! Make haste! Make haste!”

But within seconds, Bingley was upon them.

“Oh, Mr Bingley!” said Mrs Bennet, feigning surprise. “Are you partial to crabbing? Do step out of your boat and come and join us.”

“Splendid!” replied Bingley, remaining in his boat and making no attempt to get out.

“Such a delightful sport, don’t you think, Mr Bingley?”

“Yes. Absolutely splendid!”

Silence ensued. After a while, Kitty said, “Chas, do you think you could go away? I think you’re disturbing the crabs. I’ve not had one bite like since you appeared.”

“Kitty!” said Mrs Bennet, outraged, and winked at her ferociously.

“Why are you like winking at me, Mother?” asked Kitty.

“I am not winking at you! But now thinking about it, I have some business with you. Come with me.”

Mrs Bennet managed to remove Kitty to the bench, where Mary was already perched reading Quantum Physics for Dummies (the last two words carefully deleted), and Lizzy was forced to give up her crabbing spot by her mother returning and demanding that she had some business with her, too. Apart from seventy-three children under eight, forty-nine yummy mummies, sixteen merchant bankers, nine ex–hedge fund managers, twelve ex-bankers, two barristers, twelve judges, and eighty-one exhausted grandparents, Bingley and Jane were left quite, quite alone.

“Jane!” began Bingley, standing up. “I… I…”

The rowing boat wobbled dangerously.

“I… I…”

Jane could hardly breathe in anticipation.

“I… I…” continued Bingley, bobbing up and down, “cannot balance…”

Bingley wobbled again and a gasp went up from the spectators and one judge even removed his wig, ready to jump in to the rescue of a potentially drowning man, but Bingley regained control of himself and the boat.

“…very well. But you would do me the greatest honour…”

At this point, Bingley knelt in the boat on one knee “and make me the most splendidly happiest man in the world if you would ma…”

Bingley and the boat wobbled dangerously.

“…marry me?”

The crowd were now captivated, and all eyes turned to Jane. Before she could speak, Bingley went on. “Dearest, darling, quite delightful Jane. Say yes! Oh please say yes! I have a ring!”

Bingley opened the Tiffany box. If the day had been sunny and bright before, the dazzling light shining from the ring within drew a gasp from the crowd. Bingley reached up, and taking Jane’s hand, slipped the ring on her finger. Bingley held the lovely, slim, white, now-bejewelled hand, waiting for her answer.

As the boat drifted away from shore, Bingley was left suspended for a moment, not on dry land, not in the boat, but somewhere hovering in between, just long enough to hear Jane reply, “I will!” before he fell in ecstasy into the water.

He emerged to see the beautiful face of his dear Jane searching for him, and he rose triumphant to place, for the first time, a kiss on those heavenly lips.

Clapping erupted from the crabbers, young and old, and there was not a dry eye on the quayside, half tears of emotion, half salty water from the giant splash Jane made as Bingley inadvertently pulled her in. But who cared when such happiness abounded? Who cared when two young people were caught in such a splendid, delightful, seaweedy entanglement of love?

Chapter 56

The following day, a tremendous drumming sound swept over Island Street. The Bennet girls rushed out to see what the commotion was. Hovering above was a black Sikorsky helicopter, which to the astonishment not only of the Bennet girls but of all those holidaymakers idling in the street, seemed to be intent on descending.

There was a widening of the road at the town end of Island Street, a flattish area, and it soon became apparent that this was the destination of the aircraft. People duly scattered, and upon landing, the helicopter’s door was flung open, and to the utmost amazement of Lizzy, out stepped Lady Catherine de Brrr. She immediately walked with an air more than usually ungracious and burst uninvited straight into the sitting room of 3 Island Street to the surprise of Mrs Bennet and Mary, the former who had been sitting engrossed in Hello magazine, the latter in Electrical Surges II . A side whisper from Lizzy enlightened Mrs Bennet as to the identity of the invader and the mode of transport. Mrs Bennet was thereafter all graciousness. After all, anyone who arrived by helicopter, even if they interrupted a good read, must be worthy of polite attention.

“This is your mother, I suppose, Miss Elizabeth Bennet?” said Lady Catherine as way of introduction. “And that is a sister?”

“Yes, Lady Catherine,” replied Lizzy, still astonished by her presence.

“I see there is a brackish sort of backwater over there.” Lady Catherine waved in the direction of Batson Creek. “I would be grateful if you would accompany me on a short rowing trip, Miss Elizabeth Bennet.”

Lizzy obeyed out of curiosity rather than anticipated pleasure. She got out two life jackets from the chest in the sitting room, took the oars from the wall, and followed Lady Catherine, who was already marching out of the house.

Lizzy untied Angelica and rowed Lady Catherine down the picturesque inlet towards Lower Batson. Lady Catherine immediately launched her attack.

“Miss Elizabeth Bennet! How dare you even consider being engaged to my nephew, Mr Darcy! How could you! You are quite outrageous! An upstart! Mr Darcy is engaged to my daughter!”

The helicopter had now taken off and was following Lady Catherine’s moves. Her ladyship waved with dramatic effect up at the aircraft, and Lizzy could just make out the pale face of Miss de Brrr peering out, terrified, from the sky above.

“If he is engaged to your daughter,” said Lizzy, puffing violently as she tried to balance the boat to prevent it being swamped by the waves caused by the downwind from the helicopter, “you can hardly suspect that he could be engaged to me!”

“Insolent girl!” cried Lady Catherine, standing up in fury. The sudden movement caused the boat to lurch dangerously, and Lizzy was caught off guard and fell backwards, almost into the water. Lady Catherine toppled forward and, taking advantage of her new position, leant forward further, digging her sharp red nails into poor Lizzy’s neck to emphasise her next point.

“And do you promise never to be engaged to my nephew?”

“I will promise no such thing! But since you are intent on killing me, why should you care?”

“Insolent, ungrateful girl!” yelled Lady Catherine, now incandescent with rage. Lady Catherine’s nails were formidable and were locked onto Lizzy’s neck as their owner ranted and raged. Lizzy could feel the final breath being squeezed from her limp body. Somewhere in the haze of near death, she saw Lady Catherine signal to the helicopter hovering above. A hook was lowered down, and Lady Catherine attached it to her diamanté belt. As Lizzy passed in and out of consciousness, she was aware of Lady Catherine being lifted from her and swept up and away towards the hovering helicopter, still screaming, “Insolent, ungrateful girl!” The pressure released from her throat, Lizzy choked and coughed until, coming round, she saw the helicopter disappearing towards Bolberry Down, Lady Catherine leaning from the open doorway, shaking her fist, and Miss de Brrr peeping out of a window. Lizzy recovered herself and rowed back to 3 Island Street, hardly knowing what to think.