Vanish

“This isn’t a joke,” I snap.

“Do you see me laughing?” Seizing both my hands, he leans his face close to mine. “Why are you fighting this? Us?”

I shake my head. “I can’t just leave with things like this.”

“You may never get out again. Have you thought about that?” His hands tighten on mine. “What are they going to do to you when you waltz in there and tell them you got yourself caught by hunters? That Miram is lost?”

I shiver. He’s right. It could get ugly. But not totally undeserved on my part. My selfish desires led to this, after all. If I’d listened to Cassian and ended it with Will none of this would ever have happened.

Of course, Miram played her part, too. I’m not above holding her responsible for her involvement. She shouldn’t have been spying on me. That said, she doesn’t deserve the fate awaiting her just because she’s a nosy, spiteful girl.

“I’m going back.”

“Even if it means we’re never together again?”

He knows just what to say. The words that will hurt me the most. The prospect of never seeing him again, hearing his voice, holding him…

I wet my lips, swallow, and say words I never thought possible. Words that echo what’s in my head if not my heart. “But we don’t really belong together, Will.”

He pulls back, drops my hands like I’m something he can’t bear to touch anymore. “You don’t mean that.”

I nod a single time, the motion painful, all I can manage. “It’s insanity. What we are…” What we aren’t. “You can’t deny—”

He flings himself off the bed in an angry move. “You know the difference between you and me, Jacinda?” he bites out, his voice unfamiliar to me and a little scary.

I scramble into a sitting position, blinking at this angry, unknown Will.

“The difference is that I know who I am.”

I bristle. “I know who I am!”

“No. You know what you are. You haven’t figured out who you are.”

“I’m someone with sense enough to realize I can’t live happily ever after with a hunter — someone with the blood of slaughtered draki running through his veins!” I slap a hand over my mouth the moment this flies from my lips.

He stops, stares down at me with a frightening stillness.

Terrible doesn’t describe how I feel in that moment. I told him his blood didn’t matter to me, and I meant it. He can’t help what he is, so it’s vastly unfair to fling that in his face. Without draki blood, he’d likely be dead, and I certainly don’t wish that had happened. And he’d been just a kid at the time. A sick, dying kid. It wasn’t like he had any choice in his method of treatment. How could I fling that in his face?

“That’s it, isn’t it? What’s really bugging you.”

I shake my head, blink against the sting in my eyes.

He continues, “You think hooking up with some draki prince, with Cassian, makes sense?”

I breathe thinly though my nose. “Maybe,” I whisper, not even sure what I’m saying. Even if Cassian did make sense, he isn’t for me. I’d never betray Tamra that way.

He nods, speaks in such a deadened voice that I feel cold inside. “It would be easy to just accept him. I can understand that.” He motions between us. “Easier than this… us.” He steps closer. His legs brush the mattress. His hand lowers to touch my face then, his fingers feather soft on my cheek. I resist leaning into that hand, resist surrendering to the pull he has over me. “Only you’ll never love him. Not like you love me. Right or wrong, that’s the truth. The way it will always be.”

But it can’t be. I can’t let it.

With a shuddery breath, I turn my face from his hand and glance at the digital clock on the bedside table. “I’m not going to fall back asleep now. Why don’t we get an early start?”

He laughs. The mirthless sound is low and deep, shivering over my skin. “Fine. Go home. Run away, Jacinda. But it won’t change anything. You won’t forget me.”

He’s right. But I have to do my best to try.

Chapter 21

Stop here,” I announce, glancing at the quiet woods surrounding us, satisfied that we’re a safe enough distance from pride grounds. Far enough away that we won’t risk Nidia detecting us. At least I hope so.

I rub my sweating hands against the soft fabric of the sweatpants I wear and stare out the dirt-spotted windshield. We’ve spoken little since leaving the motel.

There’s nothing left to say. Still, the silence kills me, twists like a blade in my heart. I hate this, hate that it has to end this way. Hate that it has to end.

Will shuts off the engine. I close my eyes and inhale his musky, clean scent, listen to his soft sigh beside me… commit these things to memory as they’re my last of him.

“I’ll be back in a week.”

At this, I turn sharply to stare at him, opening my mouth to protest.

“Don’t tell me no,” he says harshly. It’s a voice I’ve never heard him use. With me, at least. He leans forward, clutching the steering wheel as though he would bend it with his bare hands. “I’ll see what I can do about your friend. What I can find out…”

For a moment, I can’t think who he means. My friend? Then I get it. He means Miram.

“I thought you said it was hopeless.”

His eyes hold mine. In the mid-morning light, I see their color. The golds and browns and greens. “For you, I would do anything. Especially if it means I’ll see you again.”

“Don’t risk yourself—”

“What do you think I’m doing here, Jacinda?” His gaze searches mine and I feel stupid. Of course, he’s risking himself. I’m not the only one with something to lose. With everything to lose. “I think you’re worth it, though.”

His words twist through me, make me feel like a quitter for giving up on us. But then I think of everything— everyone—I’m putting at risk. The lives affected if I choose Will right now. And I can’t do that. It’s not just about me.

“One week,” he repeats, and I mull that over.

This may just be his way of seeing me again, of trying to get more time with me… to change my mind, but it may also be Miram’s only chance.

I grasp the door handle, yank it down.

“Jacinda?”

At the sound of my name, I look back at him, feel a surge of the familiar longing.

“Noon. One week from today,” I agree.

“I’ll be here.” He nods, unsmiling, showing no expression as he holds my gaze hostage. His hand comes to rest over mine on the seat. My skin tingles, heats beneath his palm. I close my eyes in a pained blink, the selfish part of me still longing to go with him.

I slide my hand free and step from the Land Rover.

For a moment I stare out at the woods, silent and deep, the crowd of high pines casting a wide shadow. The wind blows, rustling leaves. I feel his gaze on me, but I don’t look behind me. It’s too tempting. Too hard to keep moving if I do.

With a deep breath, I start running. Sprinting through trees that press on me like familiar friends. Only they don’t feel so friendly anymore. They feel like the walls of a prison.