Hearing his boot steps, she halted and faced him.
He was determined to keep this brief. “I’m about to ride out with Richard.” During the meal, he’d heard her arranging with Algaria to process the herbs she’d gathered that morning. “Before I do, I wanted to state that I’ve had enough. Enough circling around our reality.”
He couldn’t stop his expression, already hard, from hardening even further; his face felt like graven stone. “I’ve given you time to grow accustomed to that reality — as much time as I can, as much as we can afford. As much as the situation allows us. Regardless, the facts haven’t changed, and they dictate that we must wed.” He held her stormy gaze. “You have to accept that, have to acknowledge that there’s no choice, make up your mind to it, and then start planning to leave here for London. We can’t hide here for forever.”
Heather stared into his eyes, agate eyes that told her nothing — that showed her nothing beyond utterly determined, invincible implacability.
Her temper geysered; she opened her mouth on a scalding retort—
“Breckenridge!”
Richard, calling from the front hall.
They’d both turned their heads at the call.
She looked back at Breckenridge.
Just as he stepped away, met her gaze, and curtly nodded. “I’ll find you when I get back. And we can start making the necessary decisions.”
With that, he walked off.
Heather watched him stride down the corridor. Felt her fury fade.
Felt the cold emptiness within swell and grow.
And wondered where, in dealing with him, she had gone so terribly wrong.
Her heart had sunk so low that it had drowned.
It seemed she was finally seeing his true colors — his unswerving focus on getting his ring on her finger, love be damned.
Love — her “true affection”—was for him merely a route to his goal.
After he’d left, she’d come down to Catriona’s workroom. Algaria had joined her, but only long enough to show her what to do with the wormwood, rue, and tansy she’d gathered that morning. Leaving her to bind the fronds in bunches, Algaria had hurried off to resume her oversight of the twins and their lessons.
In the cool, peaceful workroom, Heather methodically sorted and bound. Her gaze remained on her hands, her fingers deftly parting the delicate foliage before winding twine around the stems, but her mind was elsewhere, retreading her arguments, replaying conversations, trying to see, to reexamine it all in the desperate hope she’d missed something vital, or had misinterpreted. . but no.
Underneath all their words, underlying all their actions, one fact remained unchallenged.
She loved him — and because she did, because she was the woman she was and he the man he was, she had to know beyond question or doubt that he loved her in return.
Yes, that need was an emotional one, one fed by both a fear and a dream.
The fear that if she accepted him without the surety of his love, of having it acknowledged and declared, then at some point, unbound by such a love, he would stray. That he would turn from her to one of the myriad ladies who were forever trying to lure him to their beds.
That fear was real enough, hard enough to counter, yet her dream was even more an innate part of her, one she had no wish to deny. To her, marriage meant one thing — a partnership in which both parties were committed to, and therefore free to, love without restraint. Without reserve, without boundaries.
No such marriage could come about without both parties being openly and honestly committed to that ideal.
No marriage like that could ever be founded on the commitment of one party alone, with the other shying from the act.
The necessary investment had to come from both, or the marriage would never stand.
She’d clarified her thoughts, reaffirmed her decisions, when two hours later she heard Breckenridge’s boots slowly, deliberately, descending the stairs.
She didn’t look up as he loomed in the doorway, but continued neatly tying herbs.
Breckenridge ducked beneath the arch of the open doorway. Heather stood on the opposite side of a deal table, a welter of herby foliage spread before her.
She didn’t lift her gaze from her hands. Gave no acknowledgment that she knew he was there, but of course she knew he was.
Halting, he, too, looked down at her hands, at the stems she was gathering and binding together.
This was, he knew, a risky gambit, a last desperate push to get their marriage that had to happen back on track, but he didn’t know what else to do.
He glanced briefly at her face.
Didn’t like the look of her closed expression, saw precious little to make him hope.
He’d rarely felt so helpless. So unsure.
Quelling a strong impulse to rake his hands through his hair, he sank both hands into his breeches’ pockets, hauled in a huge breath. Let it out with, “So — when will we leave?”
The demand sounded a lot harsher than he’d intended.
She continued calmly working, pressing stem to stem. “I have no interest in when you leave. For myself, I’ve decided to remain here for the moment.”
“Heather—”
“No — just listen. And please don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. You asked me to make up my mind, and I have — I’ve made up my mind that I will not marry you.”
He stood there, absorbed the impact of her words, of the determination behind them, and felt a blade slide into his heart.
“However”—Heather laid aside the bunch she’d tied off, picked up more fronds, and tried one, last, desperate throw; men like him were possessive, at least about the women they loved—“you needn’t fear any social repercussions. If later a marriage becomes necessary for me to do as I wish with my life, then as I am an heiress, well-connected, and passably attractive, I’m sure there’ll be some gentleman ready and willing to overlook this adventure, especially as the family will no doubt have invented and spread some tale to account for my absence from town.
“So, you see, you may leave with a clear conscience.” She paused, waited, but he said nothing. Drawing in a tight breath, she forced herself to continue, “There’s no reason for you to stay longer — there’s nothing to keep you here.”
Silence fell.
Breckenridge felt chilled. Chilled to his marrow, frozen and numb.
Sightless, deaf, all that he was transfixed by the revelation that, if she had to marry, she’d rather marry any man but him.
That’s what she’d just told him, in words impossible to misconstrue.
The knife slid deeper, and twisted.
The pain of it nearly brought him to his knees.
Breathing in — God, had he ever known such pain? — by main force he gathered the shredded remnants of his heart, of his pride. Clinging to the latter, he forced himself to stop thinking.
To stop dwelling on what he’d thought, on what he’d hoped and had barely dared dream. .
He should be accustomed to women using him, engaging with him for fleeting pleasure without any true feeling involved; she hadn’t treated him any worse than countless others before her. He couldn’t fault her for that.
Couldn’t fault her for not loving him as he loved her.
He had to get out of there before his control fractured.
Where had they been? Oh, yes. He’d had the bright notion to give her an ultimatum, and she’d responded.
Leaving him with only one way to go.
One road to follow. Alone.
