everywhere, anyway. It is disgusting disgusting, I can’t really think about it. He tried to deny it, that’s what’s worse. Miranda of course defended him, though how you can I don’t know, though I have to say even she looked a bit sick about it.
I looked at Archie, blood streaming down his face, swearing at Louisa, he was so nasty to her. Louisa was crying & the BH holding her & telling her it’s OK. And Jeremy is saying, hey chaps, it’s all going to be all right, in his rather bluff Captain Scott way. And Miranda starts uttering these threats. ‘Don’t cross me, I tell you.’ The BH looked terrified.
I knew something was up. My stupid imagination but Oh dear God, I hope I’m wrong about this. Miranda is my sister, I’m supposed to love her, & instead I am fairly convinced she is doing something really awful. And Archie gets pleasure from watching his cousin get changed. It’s almost as bad.
Suddenly, in the midst of this Aunt Pamela & Uncle John arrive and stand in the hall!
They are so stiff. I expect them to creak when they move. I’m sure they thought something strange was up, & Mummy appeared and was terribly flustered, of course. It was weird, having them standing there, correct & smart in their London clothes. Makes me realise how isolated we have let ourselves become these two weeks.
After lunch Guy and I went for a walk. Thank goodness for Guy. We went to pick the early blackberries, tight, sharp, sweet little things, all along the hedgerows up around the house & down towards the beach. Just the two of us.
‘Why do you think he’s like that?’ I asked him. Guy thought about it for a while. He thinks things over, doesn’t talk unless he has something to say. I do like that.
G: Because . . . He is the only son, & that’s hard. Your father is a tough person to live up to.
I laugh: No he’s not! – because Daddy is so strange it’s impossible to imagine anyone else being like him.
G: Fathers & sons are tricky. Your father had a very different upbringing, in a completely different place. He came to England to be educated & he manages to snare one of the most beautiful women in the country.
And THEN he says:
I read an interview with your mother a couple of yrs ago & did you know 6 men had proposed to her before your father. & she chose him. For whatever reason, he’s a hard act to follow.
It’s strange how when I talk to Guy I find these things out about my family that had never occurred to me before, like I’ve been some silly blind girl not aware of what’s right underneath her nose. It’s like he makes me see everything for the first time.
As we were having this conversation, we were standing on the cliffs, me carrying the basket, & there was a lovely gentle wind blowing up from the sea which was calm for once. It was very peaceful, almost too peaceful. Humid. A thin layer of cloud covering everything. Felt miles away from Summercove.
G: Anyway, Archie has a lot to live up to. I don’t think your father puts pressure on him. I think everyone else does.
I ate a blackberry and I can still taste the juice now as it burst onto my tongue, sharp and sweet. We were silent.
‘Prhaps you’re right,’ I said.
Guy said almost as if he was talking to himself: I suppose the truth is, he’s just a simple chap who likes cricket & girls & likes to think of himself as a bit of a smoothie. He doesn’t know much about the real world & has two parents who are completely self-absorbed, & don’t have the foggiest how to help him.
Then he’s silent, & then he said, ‘My God, Cecily, I’m so sorry –’
Me: (pretending not to be shocked) It’s fine!
Guy (very pale straight away): I’m – that’s unforgivable of me – it’s just sometimes I forget you’re – Oh God. Cecily, please – God, what an ass I am.
He looked really upset.
Me: Guy, it’s fine, honestly!
And he said, ‘Sometimes I forget you’re one of them.’
We were silent. My back was aching and I stretched my arms out, high above me. Guy said, ‘You’re really not like them at all.’
I turned to him and we stared at each other. It was strange.
‘No,’ I said. ‘Perhaps I’m not.’
We walked together not saying much. Just being next to each other.
And then later on, this evening, there were drinks & dinner. It was more formal, because of the Jameses. Mummy made me put on a dress.
I felt different around him, all of a sudden.
Guy and I were standing by the French windows together. He suddenly touched my arm, & I wasn’t expecting it. And DD, it felt as if . . . I have never had that before. Like electricity shooting through me, like I was alive, alive for the first time. I looked at him, & he looked at me, & . . .
