and we fought because I didn’t like it. I thought there were some things you shouldn’t laugh about, but now I think he was right and I was wrong, but he was older than me, and he knew more about life. We used to go out and everyone would smile at us. We’d wear matching clothes and I was a female version of him and he was a male version of me. I wore sexy clothes, sexier than people wore in those days. After the accident, at the hospital, they wouldn’t let me see him, but I thought it was temporary, so I didn’t insist. They told me he didn’t want visitors and that he was in a lot of pain and on a lot of drugs and that we should give him time. So we did, we gave him time. Now of course I real y regret doing that, I should have gone in right away, every day, until it became natural for him. And then they told me he was much bet er, he was out of danger, they said he was very lucky and there was no infection or internal damage. They said I could see him the next morning and I went out to get him a present, I bought a silk dressing gown, wine-colored with a black col ar. But that night he vanished from the hospital. I got there and they said he’d escaped. They were very upset.
He hadn’t l ed in the forms, he just sneaked out. He sent me a let er a few weeks later. And in the let er he said that it was over between us, and he was going to start a new life, a di erent life—he didn’t know yet how or what it would be, but that I had to nd a way to forget him because he was no longer the same person, the person I had known was no longer him.”
“What about his family?”
“They were upset, but for them, for his parents and sister, the main thing was that he was alive. They didn’t understand me, and I was angry so I stopped visiting them. Maybe I was just jealous that they had a consolation I didn’t have. He didn’t even leave me a child. If only I had got pregnant! I tried, we tried, and I did get pregnant once, but I had a miscarriage in my sixth month. Maybe something went wrong when I miscarried. After that we kept trying but nothing happened.”
“How long were you together?”
“Seven years and two months. We had a cat, but she died last year.”
“When did you get pregnant?”
“When I was twenty-two.”
“You were nineteen when you married?”
“Yes.”
“If it took you three or four years the first time, even though you had sex every day, you aren’t infertile, it probably just takes you longer.”
“Not every day, we did something every day, but he didn’t always come inside me, there were other things we liked. But you’re right, in the middle of the month we always tried.”
“Maybe that was your mistake. My mother always told me the magic number was ten, ten days after your period starts, she said that was the fertile day, not the middle. She has to be an expert, she had nine kids.”
“Nine …”
“Two died at birth, but she did have nine.”
“Which were you?”
“Second. What wil you do about Daniel?”
“I just have to nd someone else in Intel igence. At least now I know that the army knows where he is—al I have to do is nd someone who wil tel me. Such a uke! This could real y be it; this could nal y be the key. After so many dead ends. Do you know anyone I could ask?”
“No, but it shouldn’t be too hard to find someone.”
“I just don’t understand it. Why aren’t they tel ing me? Do they want to protect me, or him, or themselves? It doesn’t make sense.”
“My guess is they want to protect you from something, but I can’t figure out what it is.”
“You know, now that I think back to that secretary who spent a lot of time trying to get the information for me, I think she also saw what this guy Aaron saw. I remember she was reading the screen, and I was sure she’d nal y found something, but then she shook her head. But I remember wondering what she’d read, why it had taken her so long. She wasn’t even supposed to be going into those les—she was doing it because she hated her boss, I think, and also she wanted to help me. But then when she found the information, she changed her mind.”
“Maybe he’s more handicapped than you think.”
“But he was fine when he left the hospital.”
“Maybe something happened to him afterward.”
“Maybe something happened to him afterward.”
“No, it can’t be that, that wouldn’t stop them from tel ing me. It’s something else. This is so crazy! But I’m excited, too. I think I’m get ing close; I mean, if I just nd the right person now, I’l know. I’l know! I might be seeing Daniel soon. I might be seeing him in a few days, even. I can hardly believe it. This is the first real lead I’ve had!”
He looked at me and laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“You look like Joan of Arc.”
“Wel , imagine. Imagine. I’ve been waiting eleven years. I’ve been waiting eleven years for a lead. Such a uke. Such a uke that I met this guy. He was trying to pick me up.”
“Did he succeed? Not that it’s my business at al , so you don’t have to answer. Forget I asked, in fact.”
“He didn’t succeed. I think I’m even a bit insulted by the question.”
“No one expects you to live like a nun.”
