“Life is a narrow bridge,” he said, approximately quoting the Bratslav rabbi. He said it ironical y, but I liked the quote.
“And the main thing is not to be afraid. My therapist had that on his wal , under a print of one of those Monet lily ponds. Someone told me Monet was going blind when he painted al those ponds …”
“Life isn’t a bridge at al . Life’s a ride in an F-16. Blindfolded. And then you find out the pilot is blindfolded, too.”
“You say you have to live with your daughter. But you said if we had a child you’d only help out. What’s the dif erence?”
“The di erence is that I can’t split myself into two people, and my daughter is used to me being there, and I can’t leave her alone with Graciela, but you would be a great mother.”
“I was just asking. I don’t want that. You have your family and I have Daniel.”
“I have my family, Dana. I don’t know whether you have Daniel. You have your at achment to him, but what if he rejects you?”
“I know he wil , I know he’l reject me, that’s what he’s been doing al these years, but it’s because he doesn’t know that I don’t care what he looks like.”
“Maybe he’s the one who can’t bear what he looks like.”
“It won’t mat er to him if he sees it doesn’t mat er to me.”
“Do you have any idea what his injury is like?”
“His face, his arms, part of his body.”
“Do you know what parts?”
“The thing you’re asking about, I don’t know. I tried to nd out, but you know how evasive doctors are. You know how they hate giving you a straight answer. So I don’t know.”
“If he can’t have sex, that might explain why he left.”
“There are lots of ways to have sex,” I said.
“Do you know what to expect? Have you seen people who’ve been burned?”
“Oh, who cares!”
“He’s lucky his vision wasn’t af ected.”
“Yes, he was wearing sunglasses, maybe that saved him. His burns weren’t that bad, in fact. Relatively speaking. That’s what they said at the hospital. They said he mostly had second-degree burns on his body. I think his uniform protected him a bit. The problem was how much of his body was burned, that was the real danger. He had third-degree burns only on his face and his hands. I feel so lucky that he’s alive.”
“I don’t real y understand why he left. It can’t be just because of his appearance. People adjust to that sort of thing.”
“You’re right, it doesn’t make any sense. And it’s not like Daniel, he’s not a shal ow or vain person. Maybe he wants to protect me, because he thinks it would bother me.”
“Dana, is it possible that it was just an excuse, that he wanted to leave anyhow?”
“No. We fought, of course. We fought about the mess, and about al sorts of other stupid things. But we got along. He loved me. He definitely loved me.”
“Was he sure you loved him?”
“Why wouldn’t he be?”
“I don’t know. Were you loyal to him?”
“Of course.”
“People get wounded and paralyzed, they go blind, they lose limbs, and they don’t vanish—on the contrary. They need their families and friends. And men don’t care that much about how they look, I mean they care, but it’s not al that important, unless they’re exceptional y vain.”
“You’re not the rst one who’s thought there was another reason. I think most people assume that he’s just eccentric, and that the reason he vanished has nothing to do with the accident. But he wasn’t eccentric.”
“Leaving you was a cruel thing to do. I’m sorry, I have to say that.”
“I don’t mind. I know it looks that way, but you’re wrong. He didn’t mean to hurt me. He doesn’t believe I love him, he thinks he did me a favor.”
“I don’t know how I’m holding back from touching your face, Dana.”
“You can touch my face.”
“Are you sure? You have to be sure. I’m not saying that to cover myself, or to put the responsibility on your shoulders. It’s my responsibility as much as yours. And I know that in a way no one can be sure about anything like this. I just don’t know if this is the right thing, and you have to help me.”
“I don’t know either. Not because of your family, but because I love Daniel.”
“I told you what I think. I think it’s possible to love more than one person. I know it’s possible.”
“No, he’d see it as a betrayal. I can’t have any secrets from him. But it’s already too late, I’ve already betrayed him by fal ing in love with you. It’s too late. I’ve hurt him.”
I reached out and touched his hair, ran my fingers through the soft carpet of tiny black curls. He shut his
