“Me too,” he says, and when I nod and start to turn away he stops me, one hand on my arm. He even has beautiful fingernails—not al chewed off or jagged or anything. Mine always look like someone’s taken a rusty knife to them. “I—this must be so hard for you. Is there anything I can, you know … um, do to help you?”
I nod, acknowledging him but nothing else because if I say anything I am afraid I wil start to cry. I turn away, my eyes burning, and start to punch in the code so a nurse wil unlock the doors to Tess’s unit.
He touches my arm again. “You’re using your right hand,” he says. “You punched the code in with your left last time.”
“So?”
“So shouldn’t you—doesn’t it feel weird to do it with the wrong hand? Shouldn’t you start over?”
“No, it’s okay, see?” I say, and open the doors as the buzzer sounds, signaling that we can walk in.
I do, but he doesn’t. I glance back over my shoulder.
“Come on,” I say. “Tess’s waiting for you.”
He’s got his arms crossed over his chest al tight-like, and he actual y looks kind of sick, but he fol ows me through and heads straight for Tess’s room, practical y marching behind me.
I sit down, and hear him do the same, but when I glance at him, he’s tapping the fingers of one hand against his chair like he did yesterday, only harder and faster, and it’s almost as if he’s counting or something under his breath too.
“So, Eli,” I say, wondering if being around me is somehow real y pissing him off before I look back at Tess’s closed eyes. “Tel me about yourself.”
Nothing. Not from Tess. Or him.
I look at him, and he’s stil just sitting there tapping away.
“Seriously,” I say. “I want to know … um.” What do I want to know about Eli?
No, not going there. I don’t need to know anything about anyone. But what would Tess want to know? What col ege he wants to go to, what kind of car he drives, and what sports he plays. Easy. And I can always pinch myself to stay awake if he rambles on and on.
Okay, I’l start with sports.
I real y mean to do that, but end up saying, “What were you doing when I came into the hospital?” instead, and his fingers pause.
“What?”
“When I came in, I saw you with a notebook. What were you doing?” I say, mental y kicking myself for asking. And for noticing in the first place.
And admitting I noticed.
“Oh,” he says. “You—I didn’t see you.”
“Why would you? I wouldn’t notice me.”
He blinks at me, and his fingers stil for a moment. “You wouldn’t?”
“No,” I say, real y regretting my question—and honesty—now. “I mean, I know what there is to see, you know?” My voice cracks a little on the last few words—stupid, so stupid—and I clear my throat. “So, what were you doing?”
His fingers start tapping again but he looks at them like he’s seeing them for the first time and then presses his hands flat against the chair arms.
“Drawing,” he says quietly. “I was drawing.”
“Oh,” I say. I hadn’t expected that, but it figures. Gorgeous and an artist. “Do you—?” His fingers have started moving again. “What’s up with al the tapping?”
He stands up so fast it’s like someone’s kicked him out of the chair. “I—I just remembered I have to … I’ve got to do this thing for school,” he says.
“Oh,” I say again. “Okay. But Tess—”
“Tomorrow,” he says. “I’l meet you tomorrow.” And then he’s gone, practical y running out of the unit.
“I guess I shouldn’t have asked about his drawings,” I tel Tess. “Tomorrow I promise I’l ask what you would. I know you want to see him again.”
I do too.
Not … not that I like Eli or anything, but he’s—there’s something different about him. Something that seems almost … fragile. Like there’s a part of him that he wants to keep hidden. That he has to.
I can understand that. I don’t want to—not with him, not with anyone—but I do.
I don’t tel Tess this. She has to think Eli’s perfect. That’s what she wants.
But I want to know more about him.
I want something for myself and I lean over and rest my chin on my hands, looking at Tess. Reminding myself why I’m here. Reminding myself why want isn’t something I should feel.
Mom has gotten home from the hospital. I’m stil up, sitting in Tess’s room again, looking at al the things she brought home from col ege and was going to take back. Laundry, books, some pictures. Her laptop. Her nice, shiny laptop.