Between Here and Forever

talking.

She says she needs Tess to trust her, and that she wants to stop pretending.

There’s no reply, but Beth keeps writing, types that she knows who she is, and adds that everyone knows about us already.

Stil no reply, and Beth types, i don’t know why you cant admit it. i want us to be together for real i want to be able to say this is my girlfriend.

Stil no reply and Beth types, say something say anything don’t get all quiet on me okay? Please? Tess?

Nothing and Beth types, fine. i can’t take it anymore. you have to do this or it’s over. OVER. you know Im not Claire I won’t break your heart.

Tess final y types something back then.

She types, I broke my own heart.

“Oh,” I say, and my voice is loud in the silent room, so loud I can hear it above the roaring in my ears, hear it past the words I’ve just read and the memory of those photos of Claire and Tess.

Claire and Tess and in the very last photo, Claire wasn’t in it at al . It was just Tess and that guy, Tess smiling at him as she stared at the camera.

Stared at whoever was taking the picture like she was sad and angry. Stared, but wasn’t moving. Was sitting by the guy’s side like it was where she wanted to be. Had to be.

Claire took the photo. Claire was the one Tess was looking at.

Your Choice.

Claire told me, “She only ever said she loved me,” and now I realize what that means. What Tess did. She said it, but only in private. She said it, but would never, ever do anything more. Anything public.

Claire didn’t break Tess’s heart. Tess broke hers.

I just don’t know why. Was it because Claire got pregnant? Did Claire cheat on her and Tess couldn’t— wouldn’t—forgive her?

I broke my own heart.

Those words are so familiar. Too familiar.

I cal Beth, because she’l know what happened. She has to, but as soon as I say, “It’s Abby, Tess’s sister,” she says, “I’m not talking to you. I know you’re angry, but you have to understand that I can’t—”

“But that’s just it,” I say. “I didn’t understand, but now I do, and I just want to know why you and Tess broke up.”

Beth laughs and it sounds so much like Claire’s laugh when she talked about Tess before, so brittle and angry and sad, that my skin prickles.

“Why?” she says. “You want to know why, like it’s just one reason, just one thing?”

“Okay, I’m sure it was complicated, and I didn’t mean—I just want to know what happened. You lived with her, you two were—”

“I can’t talk about this,” Beth says. “I just—I can’t.”

“You mean you won’t.”

“No,” Beth says. “I mean I can’t. I don’t know why she wouldn’t admit we were together. Go ask Claire, always lurking around her hospital room, always hanging around in Tess’s head, always—always there.”

“Claire?”

“What, you’re surprised? You didn’t know?”

“I do, but I don’t exactly know what happened.”

“I don’t either,” Beth says, her voice weary. “Al I ever knew is that something happened with Tess and Claire and—wel , my guess is Tess freaked out because Claire ran off and had a baby rather than admit she loved Tess and it fucked Tess up. Ask Claire if you want to know. It’s not like—God, it’s not like you haven’t had the chance.”

“But—”

“No,” Beth says. “Two years, okay? I loved Tess so much and she loved me but not enough, never enough, and I final y told her to choose and she just—she shut down, spent the rest of the semester looking through me, and now she’s in the hospital and I won’t ever—” She sniffs once, twice, like she’s struggling not to cry. “I’ve had to let her go and I can’t—don’t cal here again.”

And then she hangs up.

“What are you doing?”

I look over my shoulder and see Mom standing in Tess’s doorway, glancing from the computer to the phone in my hand, and then to me. She looks worried but not surprised, and I wonder if she’s trying to figure out why I’m in Tess’s room.

“I was—” I point at Tess’s computer. “I was just looking for something. A file. For school.”

“On Tess’s computer?” Mom says, shaking her head at my transparent lie, and I say, “I just—Tess was—is—” and watch her expression change ever so slightly.