“I’m not like Tess.”
“Yeah, you are, because you’re afraid too. Not of the same things she was, but you’re stil afraid. You know what I wish someone had told me back when I was trying to decide what to do after Tess said sorry, she wanted things to stay the way they were?”
“That you were better off without her?”
Claire shakes her head. “No, I told myself that. I told myself lots of stuff like that, right up until I woke up, went to take a shower, and realized I hadn’t had my period in a while. I wish someone had told me to believe I deserved what I wanted, that wanting Tess to love me like I did her was okay. I wish someone had told me I deserved to be happy. I wish … I wish I’d believed I deserved to be.”
“But that’s so obvious,” I say. “I mean, everyone knows they deserve some happiness. That’s al people think life should be, Claire. Happily ever after al the time. It’s not—no one wants to be unhappy.”
“You do.”
“I—yeah, I asked for Tess to be my sister. I asked for her to be in an accident. I asked to live here. I asked for al of it, when al along, I should have been asking for candy and ponies. What was I thinking?”
“You know I’m right,” Claire says. “I can tel , because you’ve gotten al bitchy.” She looks down at her hands, and then at me.
“Look,” she says. “I’m going to say this to you because I real y do wish someone had said it to me, even though right now you’re being a total pain in the ass. But you—Abby, you can be happy. You should be. And I wish you would see that. I wish you would believe it.”
There is so much sorrow in her voice, and it’s not just for her, it’s for me, and it breaks my heart.
It makes me think. “Claire—”
She stands up. “I’m going to bed.”
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“For Tess?”
“No. I mean, yes, for what she did, but also for not—I should have known you would never hurt her. You aren’t that kind of person. And what you said, I just, you know …”
“You’re welcome,” Claire says, and then laughs a little. “Only in Ferrisvil e could my best friend be my former never-real y-real-girlfriend’s younger sister. Although I think you trying to say thank you is weirder.”
“If I believe what you said, wil you believe it too?”
“No,” Claire says softly. “I won’t. I can’t. I’m not—I’m not strong enough to now. When Cole’s older, and money isn’t so tight, and I have time to do more than just get through each day, then maybe I wil . But you don’t need me to believe, Abby, and you know it. You aren’t me. You aren’t Tess, even if parts of you remind me of her. You’re you. You get to make your own choices. I get to make mine.”
“Oh.”
“I’d have lied to anyone else if they’d asked me, you know,” Claire says. “Lies are a lot easier than the truth. Simpler.”
Like Tess, who picked what she knew over stepping into the unknown with Claire for everyone to see.
Like me, because I want Eli but said, “I don’t know what to do,” because it was easier than saying “I’ve wanted to kiss you too.”
“Do you want—the pictures that Tess has, do you want them?”
“No,” Claire says. “I remember them, and that’s enough.” She nudges me with her foot. “Go home so I can sleep.”
“I feel like—I want to fix things for you,” I say. “This isn’t … something should happen for you now. Something good, I mean.”
“I’m responsible for me,” Claire says. “You be responsible for you.”
“That’s it?”
Claire smiles at me again, a little sadly this time. “That’s it. See you tomorrow, okay?” And then she lets herself inside her house and shuts the door.
I look at it for a moment, and then I walk home.
go to school.
“Why?” I say, because my parents never let me miss school unless I’ve woken up covered with spots (chicken pox, third grade) or thrown up in front of them (sixth grade). “Is it—did the phone ring when I was in the shower? What’s happened to Tess?”
Mom puts down the cup of coffee she’s drinking.
“Nothing’s happened,” she says, and, when she catches my eyes, repeats it again, gently. “Abby, nothing’s happened.”
“But you never let me miss school.”
“After last night,” Dad says, “and with Tess being moved so soon, your mother and I thought—we thought you might want to see her. Spend time with her.”
“Al day?” I wish the thought of spending a whole day with Tess fil ed me with joy, but it doesn’t. I just—not only do I not know who Tess real y was anymore, I don’t think I can spend an entire day watching her lie there. Watching her live with her eyes wide shut.
