“Cover yourself,” I said.
“Must I be so modest in front of my husband?”
I glared at her and thrust forth the telegram. “Did you send this?”
She barely gave it a glance. “I had no choice.”
“Do you understand how difficult it is to drop everything, rearrange
“Isn’t that why you chose this place?”
I threw up my hands. “I only chose it so you’d receive the best care.”
Gerta slid her legs out from beneath the covers. She held out her hand. “I missed you.”
I pulled her from bed, but refused her embrace. Instead, I turned her around and examined her. Scratches covered the backs of her arms and legs. “What have you done to yourself?”
She twisted away and fell on the bed, burying her face in the pillow. “It was a mistake to send for you.”
“What do you want with me?”
She raised her head from the pillow.
Christoph, I have never seen such a pitiful face, so wet with tears, her lips swollen and cracked, cheeks mottled and puffy.
She whispered, “I want nothing. Go back to Berlin.”
She spit.
I left her naked and crying on the bed.
More later. May God bless and keep you,
Brahm.
January 14, 1898
My Dearest Christoph,
Your mother rests.
Superintendent Hastings urged me to stay at least one more day. He was eager to show me the improvements in the buildings and grounds since my last visit. I slept on the sofa in his office, and despite my temper, fell quickly asleep.
It is indeed a remarkable place. Many of the patients, including your mother, are free to roam the grounds at their leisure. There are no gates, nothing to keep them locked in, yet they stay of their own free will. Far removed is this institution from the asylums of mere decades ago, when for a small fee, the public could stroll through them as if touring a zoo.
Christoph, a limestone quarry sits on the asylum grounds and employs a dozen patients. More are employed on the farm where they grow all manner of things: peas, squash, corn, green beans, apples — they even have a greenhouse in which they cultivate bananas! They raise and slaughter hogs and cattle. And next to the slaughterhouse, a soap house makes use of the fat. Did you know, Christoph, that they provide soap for all the other institutions in this state? Truly amazing.
Every Tuesday night, entertainers arrive from Rochester. Singers, musicians, thespians, magicians. The patients are encouraged to share their own talents, and today as we toured the grounds, we passed a trio equipped with banjo, clarinet, and tambourine. They’d cut the fingers from their mittens in order to play their instruments even on these coldest of days. They begged Hastings to sing a verse with them, but he politely declined with promises to join them later with his ukulele.
Then there are the caves, dug by the patients themselves. The largest of them is U-shaped for a horse and cart to enter, unload its produce in one of numerous storage niches, and exit the cave without having to back up and turn around. A smaller cave, more recently dug, is used to store bodies during the winter until the ground thaws in the spring. Three unfortunate souls rest there now, none with relatives to claim them.
Your mother wakes.
Later—
My last entry was made in a state of serenity, but now my hand shakes, and I don’t know how to get the words out.
I must pace myself.
When your mother woke, she looked at me as if I was a stranger, but recognition crept over her face like the wax of a melting candle. “Did you hear him?” she asked.
“Whom?”
She rushed from the bed and fell to her knees in front of me. “Christoph. Have you heard him?”
How strange that I’d just been writing to you. “What madness is this?”
“He speaks to me. Don’t you see? That is why I sent for you. Christoph has come back.”
“Shall I call a nurse?”
“No! Brahm, he comes to me, talks to me. You wonder where these scratches are from? Don’t you see? They come from
I threw open the door. What blasphemy! I shouted into the empty hall. “Nurse! Somebody fetch the superintendent.”
She grabbed my coat. “Please listen to me.”
No matter how I twisted and turned, she wouldn’t let go. A nurse arrived and pried her from me. When I left, she was on her bed, mewling like a hungry kitten.
There is a sharp chill within these halls, a draught that pierces my clothing. I must meet with Hastings to discuss your mother’s behavior.
Later—
It is lovely outside, even in the winter. Oak, aspen, evergreen and ash flourish on the rolling hills. Deer browse the snow unafraid. And the air here is so clean, so invigorating. How could this not be the best place for your mother?
Hastings and I talked at great length. He assured me that it’s not unusual for someone in Gerta’s condition to hear voices. It is part of her madness; Dementia Praecox.
You laugh. You say I should know this. But in matters of the family, all cognition is an elusive wisp of smoke.
Hastings is an intelligent man. He put me at ease over brandy and cigars, and convinced me of something I’ve known all along; that I should treat Gerta with gentleness, rather than vehemence. He suggested I play along with her delusions. Act as if her ravings are fact. Perhaps then she’ll recognize the paradox and see that what she takes to be real is merely a trick of the mind.
It is evening now, and I must go to your mother’s room.
Later—
She entered the room shivering and wet shortly after I arrived. I asked her where she’d been.
“Talking with Christoph,” she said.
“Out in the snow?”
“Don’t mock me.”
“Why not talk to Christoph here?”
“Please, Brahm — “
“No — Gerta — forgive me,” I said. “I want to know what you and he talk about.”
Her suspicion faded with a smile. “He tells me such wonderful things. He asks about you often.”
“Does he?”
“Oh, yes.” She touched my arm, and then hugged me tightly. “I’m so glad you came.” She kissed my cheek. “He wants to come back.”
“Come back?”
She trembled. “He needs your help.”
“Bring him here, now, so that I can talk with him,” I whispered.
“We must go to him.”
