You Had Me at Halo

proposal.”

“Actually.” He started to cough. “The thing is—”

“Because.” Holly hardly heard him as a grin spread across her face. “I’m sure a lot will be forgiven once I get that ring on my finger. I mean wait until you see the size of the rock—I’m not just talking big, I’m talking enormous…Oh and I hope my roommates haven’t moved my stuff out of the apartment yet.”

“Miss Evans—”

“I mean, my rent’s paid up until the end of the month, so—”

“Miss Evans.”

“What?” She blinked at him in surprise. “And why are you shouting?”

“Because it’s the only way to stop you from talking.”

“Oh.” She winced. “I’m sorry. I tend to talk a lot when I’m excited.”

“Yes, but that is the thing.” Dr. Hill gnawed on his bottom lip and looked a bit uncomfortable. “You know, you really should’ve read the rulebook, because it would’ve made this a lot easier.”

“Made what a lot easier?” Holly demanded, not liking the way he was avoiding eye contact. That couldn’t be good.

“Miss Evans, you’re not going back to earth as yourself, because your human body is now officially dead.”

“That’s right,” she agreed. “I just saw myself in the coffin. That’s why you guys need to nod your head or twitch your nose to give me a new body.”

“Indeed we do,” he agreed. “When a soul dies, the human body can still function for up to two days, so when we send people back for a manual purging, we use a body where the soul has gone but the flesh hasn’t, so to speak.”

“Ew.” Holly felt her whole face wrinkle in disgust. “That’s revolting. And it means that I could go back as anyone. A tramp, an old woman, a dog…”

“Technically that’s right,” Dr. Hill said. “But on the bright side, you’ll be pleased to know it’s not that random. I’ve managed to find you a body that’s almost the same age as you, and even works for your old company. Isn’t that wonderful?”

“I don’t know.” Holly cautiously peered at him from under her lashes. “What’s her name?”

“It’s not a her. It’s a him. And his name is Vince Murphy.”

Holly’s spine stiffened. “That doesn’t make any sense. I’m a girl. You can’t put me in a guy’s body. Especially not someone like him. How will I be able to find out what happened to me? Speak to Todd? Get my engagement ring? I don’t understand.”

“I’m sorry.” Dr. Hill shrugged. “But that’s the best I can do for you.”

“No.” Holly folded her arms in front of her chest and shot him a mulish look. “This is ridiculous. You can’t send me back as a guy. There must be some alternative. How about more inkblots? Hypnosis? Anything.”

“There is one alternative.”

“I knew it.” Holly felt a flood of relief run through her. “Once when I tried to return a navy skirt to that shop on Maine Street, the sales assistant tried to refuse because I didn’t have a receipt. But there was no way I was giving up. You should’ve seen what happened to it in the wash. Sometimes you just need to keep asking until you get what you want.”

Dr. Hill scratched his head. “Er, right. So anyway, the reason I didn’t mention this alternative is because it’s not very good. Can you imagine what hell looks like?”

“I have a rough idea,” Holly answered cautiously.

“Well, take that image and double it. Then double it again. Hell is two levels down and it’s a long sweaty way to get back up to where you were.”

“Oh.” Holly chewed on her lip and gulped. “You see that didn’t happen with my skirt. The manager just ended up giving me a gift voucher.”

“I’m sorry, but this is a bit different.”

Yes, so it would seem. Holly blew out a column of imaginary air and tried not to panic. She really had managed to get herself between a rock and a hard place on this one and she couldn’t help but think how much easier it would’ve been if she’d just kept her mouth shut during her funeral. “So there really isn’t any other option?” she double-checked but Dr. Hill shook his auburn head.

“I’m afraid not. What’s it going to be?”

Holly closed her eyes. She couldn’t believe she was about to agree to this, but it didn’t really seem like she had much of a choice. Besides, perhaps he was right? She probably would feel a whole lot better when she found out what had really happened.

“Fine.”

“I think you’ve made the right choice.” Dr. Hill nodded as he tapped something into the computer. “Now you might want to close your eyes for this. It can make some people a little bit…dizzy.”

“Oh, but there’s one other—” Holly started to say before once again she felt herself falling through a long white tunnel where no doubt Vince Murphy’s body was awaiting her. Who would’ve thought that it could get worse than dying?

CHAPTER THREE

The first thing that hit Holly was the smell. She took in a lungful of air and tried to untangle the different bouquets around her. Ah, that was the aroma of fragrant roses drifting past her. Yes, and there was the tang of perfume and aftershave mingling in the air, and then there was…the disgusting smell of male body odor. Ewh.

“Come on Vince, what do you say?”

Holly blinked and realized she was surrounded by a group of computer geeks from the Baker Colwell technical department. And judging by the stench, they seemed to prefer to bath in old sweaty gym socks rather than in water.

She tried to work out why she was feeling so disorientated when one of them started to hit her on the arm. If they kept that up then they would be getting a squirt of pepper spray that they wouldn’t forget in a hurry. Where was her pepper spray, anyway? But before she could look for it, another one started to speak.

“If we want to get this consolidation project finished by tonight, we’d better head off.”

Since Holly had no idea what a consolidation project was, she stared at him blankly before glancing around in an attempt to figure out what was going on. The first things she caught sight of were all the gravestones in the background. Perhaps it was a Halloween party? That would explain why the guys in front of her were so badly dressed.

“Well, Vince?” The tallest of the guys shot her a questioning look. “Are you coming or what?”

Yeah, right, Holly snorted. As if she’d hang out with them. And why were they calling her Vince?

“Just leave him here, man,” another one said. “He can catch up with us later.”

Holly winced as four sets of hands thumped her on the back by way of goodbye before a small glimmer of something ridiculous forced its way into her brain. In fact it was beyond ridiculous. Beyond crazy. Beyond anything. Except it wouldn’t go away so she looked down at her shoes for confirmation.

Her feet—once a nice size seven—were now about a ten and they were covered in a pair of black Doc Martens.

She stretched out her hands and almost screamed. They were so big and…How disgusting! Was that grease on them? Then she touched her chest as the familiar feel of her heartbeat rapped out a tattoo. She’d forgotten how loud it could be. As for the fact her boobs were no longer there, well she was going to totally ignore that because surely no good could come from it.

Instead she sucked in a lungful of air and tried to digest everything. She was dead and had come back to earth as Vince Murphy. It wasn’t great news.

All around her people were milling about in groups, but after the relatively silent surroundings of Level One,