Look to Windward

galaxy. Incredible.”

“Was it thoroughness? I thought it was eccentricity. Well, there you are.”

“Ziller, let me tell you a story.”

“Oh, must you?”

“It appears I must. Somebody once thought of a way they might outwit the security of Contact.”

“Serial numbers instead of ridiculous ship names?”

“No, they thought they could smuggle a bomb aboard a GCU.”

“I’ve met one or two Contact ships. I confess the idea has occurred to me, too.”

“The way they did it was to create a humanoid who appeared to have a form of bodily defect called hydrocephaly. Have you heard of such a condition?”

“Water on the brain?”

“Fluid fills the foetus’ head and the brain grows smeared in a thin layer round the inside of the adult’s skull. Not something you see in a developed society, but they had a plausible excuse for this individual having it.”

“A milliner’s mascot?”

“A prophet-savant.”

“I was close.”

“The point was that this individual carried a small anti-matter bomb in the centre of his skull.”

“Oh. Wouldn’t you hear it bumping around when he shook his head?”

“Its containment vessel was tethered by atomic monofil.”

“And?”

“Don’t you see? They thought that by hiding it inside his skull, surrounded by his brain, it would be safe from any Culture scan, because we famously do not look inside people’s heads.”

“So they were right, it worked, it blew the ship to smithereens and I’m supposed to feel reassured?”

“No.”

“I didn’t really think so.”

“They were wrong, the device was spotted and the ship sailed serenely on.”

“What happened? It came loose, he sneezed and out it embarrassingly popped?”

“A standard Mind scan looks at something from hyperspace, from the fourth dimension. An impenetrable sphere looks like a circle. Locked rooms are fully accessible. You or I would look flat to them.”

“Flat? Hmm. I have experienced certain critics who must have had access to hyperspace. Obviously I owe numerous apologies. Damn.”

“The ship did not read the unfortunate creature’s brains—it had no need to scan at such detail—but it was as obvious that he was carrying a bomb as if he’d balanced it on the top of his head.”

“I have the feeling this is all just a long-winded way of telling me not to worry.”

“If I have been long-winded, I apologise. I was seeking only to reassure you.”

“Consider me reassured. I no longer imagine that this piece of shit is here to assassinate me.”

“So you’ll see him?”

“Absolutely no fucking way whatsoever.”

“All Through With This Niceness And Negotiation Stuff.”

“Yeah. Like it. Offensive Unit?”

“But of course.”

“Had to be.”

“Yeah. Your turn.”

“Someone Else’s Problem.”

“Hmm.”

“ ‘Hmm’? Just ‘Hmm’?”

“Yeah, well. Doesn’t do it for me. How about Lacking That Small Match Temperament.”

“Bit obscure.”

“Well, I’ve just always liked it.”

“Poke It With A Stick:

“OU?”

“GCU.”

“I Said, I’ve Got A Big Stick.”

“Sorry?”

“It’s called, I Said, I’ve Got A Big Stick. You have to say it quietly. When you write it, it’s in small type. An OU, as you might imagine.”

“Oh, right.”

“Probably my favourite. I think that’s just the best.”

“No, not as good as Hand Me The Gun And Ask Me Again.”

“Well, that’s okay, but not as subtle.”

“Well, but less derivative.”

“On the other hand, But Who’s Counting?”

“Yeah. Germane Riposte.”

“We Haven’t Met But You’re A Great Fan Of Mine.”

“Oh? Yeah? What?”

“No, I just meant, isn’t this fun?”

“Yes. Well, I’m glad you finally agree.”

“What do you mean, finally agree?”

“I mean finally agree that the names are worth mentioning in polite company.”

“What are you talking about? I was quoting you ship names for years before you started noticing.”

“Let me quote you one back: All The Same, I Saw It First.”

“What?”

“You heard.”

“Ha! Well then; Ravished By The Sheer Implausibility Of That Last Statement.”

“Oh, come on. You have Zero Credibility.”

“And you’re Charming But Irrational.”

“While you’re Demented But Determined.”

“And You May Not Be The Coolest Person Here.”

“You’re making these up.”

“No I’m… hold on, sorry; was that a ship name?”

“No, but here’s one: you’re talking Lucid Nonsense.”

“Awkward Customer.”

“Thorough But… Unreliable.”

“Advanced Case Of Chronic Patheticism.”

“Another Fine Product From The Nonsense Factory.”

“Conventional Wisdom.”

“In One Ear.”

“Fine Till You Came Along.”

“I Blame The Parents.”

“Inappropriate Response.”

“A Momentary Lapse Of Sanity.”

“Lapsed Pacifist.”

“Reformed Nice Guy.”

“Pride Comes Before A Fall.”

“Injury Time.”

“Now Look What You’ve Made Me Do.”