the spare room, got up the next day and did it all over again, trying to keep my conversations with Ellen to an absolute minimum.
“Talk to me,” she said.
I felt myself falling into depression. That was my mood the day I chose to paint some windows. When Donna Langley walked over to ask if our power was out, too.
“I don’t think so,” I said. “Let me go in and check.”
I went inside, flicked a light switch in the kitchen, came back out. “We’re okay,” I said. “We’re on the same line, so it must just be your house.”
“Okay, well, I guess I’ll call an electrician,” she said. Then, “Sorry for interrupting you there. That’s a lot of windows you’ve got to do.”
“Before you call an electrician,” I said, “you might want to check the breakers.”
She was a good-looking woman. Not stunning, but attractive. Tall, with a generous bosom and rounded hips. Brown hair down to her shoulders. Every once in a while, I’d see her, in shorts and a top, jogging along the highway into Promise Falls. She’d do the odd fund-raising marathon, hit us up for a pledge.
“There’s a box on the wall in the basement,” she said. “I never even thought to look there. It’s probably just one of those switches. All you have to do is flip them back, right?”
“Unless it’s the main one, for the whole house,” I said. “But it’s more likely just a single switch.”
“I’ll try to figure it out,” she said, and laughed.
I was starting to come down the ladder. I’d put aside, for now, any thoughts of coming down headfirst. “I can check it out if you’d like,” I said.
She nodded. We walked back to her house. It was empty, of course. Albert was at work, Adam at school. He and Derek had the same teacher that year, Mrs. Fare, who, according to the kids, looked like a rabbit. “You should see the way she eats a sandwich,” Adam said one time when he was over.
Donna and I entered her house through the back door. “Are the lights out all over the house?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I was in the kitchen, making something, when the Cuisinart died and the light went out. I thought I’d actually try to make something for dinner tonight. Most nights, we’re so busy, we end up ordering in or going out, you know?”
I didn’t. Ellen and I didn’t have enough in our budget to eat out every night. Subs once in a while, maybe a pizza. But I said, “Oh yeah.” I went to the kitchen and tried a light switch. Nothing. Then I went to the living room and tried a lamp on one of the sofa tables. It came on.
“Well, you’ve got power to the house,” I said. “Looks like it’s just the kitchen, so like I said, it’s probably just a breaker. Show me where the box is.”
She led me downstairs to the furnace room, pulled a chain to turn on a bare bulb. “Over there, I think,” she said, pointing to a gray metal box above a worktable. She followed me across the room. “That’s it, right?”
“Sure looks like it,” I said. I opened the panel door and looked at the two columns of black switches. The light was so poor in the room, I could barely make out the masking-tape labels by the switches that told what parts of the house they controlled.
I turned and said, “Have you got a flashlight or anything, Donna?” She was standing close enough that I could feel the warmth of her body.
We had socialized occasionally with the Langleys. A couple of barbecues. When they had a party that wasn’t strictly for the folks from his law firm, they’d invite us over, a neighborly thing. If you’re going to make some noise, invite the neighbors so they’re not pissed off. If we were the type to hold parties, we’d have returned the favor. They seemed like your typical professional couple. Reasonably happy, upwardly mobile, one kid.
She found a flashlight tucked in behind a toolbox on the worktable, and when she handed it to me she held on to it for half a second, and my hand overlapped with hers.
I clicked on the light. “There you go,” I said, finding the one switch that had flipped out of alignment with the others, labeled “Kitchen.” I forced it over. “I’ll bet things are back on now.”
“That didn’t take any time at all,” she said, a hint of disappointment in her voice.
She was standing so close that when I turned to hand her the flashlight, my thigh brushed up against hers. She didn’t move back at all, and as I continued to turn she put a hand on my side, just above my waist.
“Donna,” I said.
“I’ve noticed something about you,” she said. “The last few weeks. When I see you. Driving in and out, walking. Something’s different about you.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said.
“It’s like you’ve lost your spirit,” she said, slipping her thumb inside my belt. “I know what that’s like.”
I swallowed. It was like that moment when I found the note in Ellen’s purse, how everything could change at once. One minute you’re up on a ladder, painting windows, wondering about the most efficient way to kill yourself, and the next you’re in a basement with a woman holding on to your belt.
I found myself putting a hand on her shoulder and she turned her head toward it, as though inviting it to touch her face. Softly, I caressed her cheek.
“Donna,” I said again. “I’m. . I. .”
“You don’t have to say anything,” she said. “I just wanted you to know that if you’re sad, you’re not alone.”
“Look,” I said. “I’m married.” It seemed a dumb, obvious thing to say.
“So am I.” She paused. “If your marriage is perfect, then I apologize for my forwardness, and you can leave right now.”
That was when I should have walked, but that would have been akin to speaking a lie, because things between Ellen and me, at that time, were far from perfect.
“What about you?” I asked. “And Albert?”
“Why don’t you just kiss me?”
So I did. Her arms slipped around me, and there seemed to be only one way this was going to end. And not there, in the basement, next to the breaker panel, but upstairs in her and Albert’s bed.
She led me upstairs to the bedroom she shared with her husband. We were sitting on the edge of the bed. I was about to do something I felt entitled to do. I’d been wronged. Wasn’t I allowed to get even?
But I pulled back and said to Donna, “I can’t do this.”
“Yes you can,” she said, reaching up to touch my face. I gently took hold of her wrist and brought it down.
“No,” I said. “I can’t.” Her eyes were moist with tears about to spill onto her cheeks. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I have to go.”
As I got up she said, “This never happened.”
I nodded. “That’s because nothing did happen,” I said.
It’s even possible that things actually got better between me and Ellen from that day forward. I didn’t get even, but I’d had my opportunity. And I knew just how close I’d come. Maybe when Ellen had come that close to the edge, she had tried to stop, but teetered in the wrong direction.
And even though nothing happened, I guessed Donna felt we’d come close enough that it was worth telling someone about. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know who.
NINETEEN
'Her sister,” Barry said as we drove into Promise Falls, past car dealerships, the town’s Wal-Mart, a KFC, a doughnut joint.
“Heather,” I said. “From Iowa.”
“Sisters tell each other everything,” Barry said. “Had a chance to talk to her before the funeral. She and her husband came in last night.”
“We saw them at the service,” I said. “And she’s wrong.”
Barry ignored that. “We talked for a bit, and she couldn’t think of anyone who’d want to do harm to her sister, or her brother-in-law for that matter, or their son. But she did mention to me that her sister had told her that she’d
