Agatha Raisin and the Busy Body

'Santa came down the chimney and presented me with swine flu.'

'What did Mr. Lacey give you for Christmas?'

'Sod all.'

'Peculiar man. What did you give him?'

'Well, nothing either. I lost Christmas somehow, somewhere. It all seems like a blur. I'll never forget the sight of Mrs. Summer and Mrs. Beagle driving straight off into the sea. If James hadn't happened to visit that village, they'd probably never have been found out.'

'I think they might. Sooner or later a local paper was going to take a picture of their cottage and some sharp Interpol man would have turned up to investigate. I mean, the murders made headlines around the world just because they were committed to stopping John Sunday from preventing them from decorating their cottages. So odd, you see. It made the practise quite unfashionable last Christmas, people being frightened they might be thought of as weird if they overdecorated.'

'Sherry?'

'Yes, please.'

'I'll have a G and T myself,' said Agatha. She returned with the drinks.

'Sir Charles phoned me quite a lot to see if I had heard from you,' said Mrs. Bloxby.

'Probably would have liked to be in at the kill.'

Charles had decided to fetch one of his late grandmother's rings out of the bank to present to Agatha. Just to show he was, well, not exactly proposing but sort of serious before he suggested she come and live with him.

Gustav came into the study while Charles was admiring the sapphire and diamond ring. 'Who's that for?' demanded Gustav.

'Mind your own business and get me a whisky and soda.'

Gustav began to plan. His father had been a maker of clocks and musical boxes as well as being a jeweller. Gustav had worked for him, but when his father died, he had sold up the business and drifted abroad, ending up as a general factotum to Charles. He liked his life. He had full control of the running of the house. He had previously escaped from two disastrous marriages and disliked women in general and Agatha Raisin in particular.

He spent all his spare hours on his scheme. Charles phoned Mrs. Bloxby and learned to his surprise that Agatha had been back for a week. He phoned her up at her office and invited her out to dinner at The George that evening.

'Who's paying?' asked Agatha suspiciously.

'I am, my sweet. Want to hear all about your adventures.'

'Bit tired of talking about them. Okay. I'll see you there. What time?'

'Eight o'clock.'

As he waited in the dining room, Charles felt quite nervous. But he relaxed as Agatha breezed in, saying, 'I'm starving. Good heavens! Champagne on ice. What's the celebration?'

'You being back.'

'How sweet.'

But Agatha wondered if Charles was going to find some excuse to leave her holding the bill.

Agatha talked during the meal about her adventures. When she had finished, Charles asked, 'What do you feel for James now?'

'I don't know,' said Agatha candidly. 'I didn't spend much time with him. Same old James, if you know what I mean.'

The coffee was served.

Charles felt in his pocket and took out a red morocco leather box. 'Present for you.'

'Oh, Charles.'

Agatha beamed. The other diners were twisting around in their chairs.

'Open it!' urged Charles.

Agatha raised the lid. A little pig's face mounted on a coiled gold wire popped up and a tinny mechanical voice said, 'Ugly bitch! Ugly bitch!'

Agatha threw her coffee straight into Charles's face and fled the dining room, the laughter of the diners ringing in her ears.

Driving straight to Carsely, blinking her eyes to try to stop the tears running, Agatha went straight to the vicarage. Alf, the vicar, answered the door. 'Really, Mrs. Raisin, we were just about to go to bed.'

'What is it?' Mrs. Bloxby appeared behind him. 'Get out of the way, Alf,' she snapped. 'Can't you see she's in distress?'

The vicar stomped off and Mrs. Bloxby gently led Agatha into the sitting room and settled her on the sofa. She sat down next to her and put an arm around her shoulders as Agatha began to cry in earnest.

When Agatha had finally recovered, she told Mrs. Bloxby about her dinner with Charles and about the awful pig's face and the laughter of the diners.

'No, no, no!' said Mrs. Bloxby firmly. 'That is not like Sir Charles at all. Let me think. Maybe he meant to give you a ring. Gustav!'

'What about Gustav?'

'At one of those fetes at Sir Charles's home, I once talked to Gustav. He told me all about being brought up in the jewellery trade. You must phone Charles.'

'No, I damn well won't.'

'Then I'll phone him. If you do not have any trust in Sir Charles, then I do.'

Mrs. Bloxby went into the study and shut the door.

'It was Gustav,' said Charles bitterly. 'I was going to give Agatha my grandmother's ring and ask her to move in with me.'

'You mean, marriage?'

'That would be going a bit far. I just thought it might be rather jolly. I've fired Gustav.'

Mrs. Bloxby sighed. 'Hire him back. You are not thinking straight. You think you run your estates, but Gustav does practically everything. He's irreplaceable. Can you imagine Mrs. Raisin with a busy career trying to organise hunt dinners and shooting parties? What came over you? Are you in love with her?'

'I don't know. I've never been in love with anyone. What am I going to do?'

'I'll send Mrs. Raisin home now. Get over to Carsely immediately and give her the real ring. Just say it was for her Christmas.'

Mrs. Bloxby went back to join Agatha. 'Go home now, Mrs. Raisin. Gustav played a terrible trick on Sir Charles. He wanted to give you his grandmother's ring.'

'You mean, he wants to marry me?'

'No, just a present.'

'I'll kill that Gustav.'

'Not tonight. Just go home.'

Agatha found Toni waiting for her outside her cottage. 'I've been searching for you,' said Toni. 'A friend's mother was at The George this evening and said a man gave you a sort of horrible jack-in-the-box ring which shouted, 'Ugly bitch.' '

'That was Gustav playing a trick on Charles. Come in. He's on his way over, but as it isn't an engagement, just a present, you can wait and see the real ring.'

'I always thought that Gustav was weird. He's rude. I don't know why Charles keeps him on.'

'He runs the place and Charles is lazy.' Agatha heard a car door slam outside.

'That's Charles now.'

'You sure you don't want me to leave?'

'No point. It's not as if you're interrupting a romance.'

Charles let himself in.

'What a mess,' he said wearily. 'I'm so sorry. You had such an awful time at Christmas, I wanted to give you something. Gustav knew I'd got the ring out of the bank and thought I was going to ask you to marry me.'

'And what could be more horrible than that?' said Agatha bitterly.