The Silver Swan

chump.'

'Why Laura Swan?'

'The name, you mean? Oh, it was just silliness. I told her she looked like a Laura, God knows why-even Lauras don't look like a Laura-and she decided that's what she'd be.'

'And Swan?'

He made a sound that might have been a giggle. 'She said I looked like a swan. Something to do with my hair, I don't know what.'

'Ah,' she said, 'I see: the Silver Swan.'

'As I say, the most awful silliness.' They came to the corner and crossed over into Harcourt Street. 'I still blush to think of it.'

They were at the steps of the house, and she stopped. He looked at her inquiringly. 'I live here,' she said.

He put on a crestfallen look. 'Well, that wasn't much of a walk.'

She hastened on so as not to lose her nerve. 'Will you come in?' He has a wife who has kicked him out, she told herself, in some wonderment, and a mistress who killed herself, and I am inviting him to step into my life. She pointed upwards. 'My flat is there.' But which of us is the spider, and which the fly?

They had climbed the stairs and she was shutting the door behind them when he put an arm around her waist and drew her against him and kissed her. She felt the breath from his nostrils feathery on her cheek. She thought, We must both smell of Passing Cloud. He was at once diffident and insistent; he held her so lightly that his arm might have been a delicately balanced spring that would release her at the slightest pressure of resistance, but that yet was made of steel. His way of kissing her was dreamy, almost absentminded. She thought he might be humming at the back of his throat. The embrace lasted no more than a second or two and then he turned from her with a sort of sweep, like a dancer whirling languidly away to indulge in a figure or two on his own. He strolled ahead of her into the flat, definitely humming now, and stopped in the middle of the living room and looked about. 'This is nice,' he said. 'A trifle spartan, but nice.' He turned and smiled at her, throwing back his head. The kiss might not have happened at all-had she imagined it?

She offered him a drink. She had a bottle of gin somewhere, she said, but there was no tonic, or ice-'haven't got a fridge.' He said gin on its own would be fine. She stood a moment, looking at the floor-something was wobbling in the pit of her stomach-then turned and marched herself into the kitchen. Alone there, she touched her fingers gingerly to her lips. She could hear her heart, a dull thud- thud, thud-thud, like the sound of some dolt clomping along a muddy footpath in big wet boots. Foolish, she was being so foolish! The gin was at the back of the cupboard high on the wall; she had to stand on a chair to reach it and thought she might fall off, she felt so giddy. She could hear him in the living room, singing softly to himself.

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think…

She took down two tumblers and polished them with a tea towel. 'What if he did it?' she whispered aloud to herself. 'What if he pushed her? ' Her insides had stopped wobbling and burned now with a sullen, low fire. Shakily she poured two accidentally mighty measures of gin and carried the glasses into the living room.

He was standing at the sideboard, bent forward with his hands in his trouser pockets, peering at the photograph in its tortoiseshell frame of Mal and Sarah on their wedding day. 'Your mum and dad?' he asked. She nodded. She set down his glass on the sideboard beside the photo and walked away from him and stood by the window, looking out at the street and seeing nothing. She heard him take up the glass and drink, then gasp. 'Crikey,' he said, 'it's strong when it comes straight like this, isn't it?'

He moved, and in a second was standing beside her. How silently he moved, how softly. In the street the Saturday quiet was strung between the houses like a gauze net. He was again singing very low under his breath. 'Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink…' He sniffed. 'I'm guessing,' he said, 'that they're no longer with us. Your pater and mater.'

'Sarah is dead. Mal is alive.' She spoke without emphasis.

'Sarah and Mal. Mal and Sarah. Funny, isn't it, how two names can sound right together, I mean natural, like a formula, when really they're just… names. Romeo and Juliet. Fortnum and Mason. Mutt and Jeff.' He hardly paused. 'Do you miss her?'

'Do I miss who?'

'Sarah. Your Mum.'

'Do you miss Laura Swan?'

She did not know why she had said it, and why so harshly. Was it somehow because he had kissed her? Perhaps it was because he had not kissed her again, or because he was behaving as if he had not kissed her at all. Her head was in a whirl. She was not accustomed to such situations, she did not know what to do, how to behave. Someone should have taught her, someone should have advised her. But who was there? Who, really, had there ever been?

He was considering her question. For a moment she forgot what it was she had asked him-about Laura Swan, yes. He seemed not at all put out. 'I haven't really had time to think about it,' he said. 'Oh, I mean, I miss her, of course.' He took a long drink of his gin and smacked his lips and grimaced. 'No doubt any night now I'll wake up shedding buckets of tears, but so far, not a tinkle. Is it shock, do you think?' He was looking at her sidelong, almost merrily, the tip of his hooked nose seeming to quiver.

'Yes,' she said, as drily as she could manage. 'It's shock, no doubt.'

He ignored her sarcasm. 'That's what I think.' He put his glass down on the bench seat under the window and clasped his hands behind his back and turned to her, putting on a face as grave and unctuous as that of a Victorian swain about to request a daughter's hand in marriage, and asked, 'Will you go to bed with me?'

SHE SAT ON THE BENCH SEAT BY THE OPEN WINDOW AGAIN IN THE dragon gown that had belonged to Sarah. The summer evening was at an end and what sunlight remained was a dark-gold glow against the tops of the houses opposite. Before, she had not known what to do, what to think, and now, afterwards, she still did not know. She had been brought to a standstill in midair on her tightrope, and she was unable for the moment to go forward or back. Leslie White's empty gin glass was beside her on the seat; she stared at it, frowning. This was only the second time in her life that a man had thrust himself into her. The first time it had been against her will, in violence, with a knife at her throat. Leslie White had been violent with her too, but in a different way. What had struck her was the seeming helplessness of his need; she might have been nursing at her breast a grotesquely elongated, greedy infant. Was this how it was supposed to be? She had no way of knowing. When it was over he was as he had been before, light and playful in his slightly menacing way, as if nothing at all had happened between them, or nothing of much importance, anyway. For her, everything was changed, changed beyond recognition. She looked out at the evening sky and the light on the faces of the houses as if she had never seen such things before, as if the world had become unrecognizable.

She took up his glass and put it to her lips, touching the place where his lips had touched.

What started her out of her reverie was the sudden feeling that someone was watching her. She looked sharply down into the street. There was an old man with a little dog on a lead; a couple strolled past arm in arm; an old tramp was picking through the contents of a litter bin at the bus stop. Yet she was convinced someone had been there a second ago, standing on the pavement, looking up at her framed in the window. She even thought she had seen him out of the corner of her eye, without seeing him, or without registering him, at least not while he was there, a man in a-in a what? What had he been wearing? She did not know. It had been only the merest presence, the shadow of a shadow. And where had he gone to, if he had ever been there? How had he slipped away so quickly? She told herself she had imagined him, that she was seeing things. The light at dusk played tricks like that, conjuring phantoms. She stood up from the seat, though, and drew the window shut, and went into the bedroom to dress.

In the days that followed she had the feeling again of being watched, of