Understanding Asexuality

be construed as a form of asexuality or, more accurately, as a related phenomenon: presexuality.

On the AVEN website, comments at times appear about the strange, nonsensical activities of sexual people. I hear that AVEN webmasters sometimes have to rein in some of the more extreme and disparaging comments on these strange activities of sexual people. It reminds me of the disparaging rant that some gay people hurl at heterosexuals: Breeders! I suppose this comment is meant to suggest that the heterosexual habit of overpopulating a fragile planet with their offspring is, well, a bit self-centered and gauche. Both views have merit perhaps, and maybe there are webmasters reining in breeder rants on gay/lesbian sites as well.

The view that sex is odd is sometimes afforded to people when exposed to sexual activities that they don’t find stimulating. Heterosexual men, for example, may find gay porn to be curious, even amusing, rather than titillating or deeply arousing. When they watch it, they may feel like an observer watching someone sticking a probe into a friend’s ear, and although it is clear that both the prober and the one being probed find (or feign) this activity deeply interesting and satisfying (e.g., by their vocalizations or other telltale signs), the heterosexual viewer may feel that there is no apparent reason for this activity. Thus, they are left with a largely curious, even amused reaction. There is a scene in the movie The Kids Are Alright in which a lesbian couple is turned on by gay (male) porn and incorporates it into their lovemaking (Gilbert et al., 2010). The movie shows snippets of a gay porn movie, but the sex scenes are played up in such a way as to seem amusing. I think the filmmakers were playfully suggesting, perhaps in line with the themes of the movie, that any sex is a bit odd (regardless of the players) and can be viewed with curious amusement when seen from the outsider’s perspective. It just so happens that the viewers (in the audience) are likely predominantly heterosexual, as they are the majority in society, but it could be the other way around: gay people viewing heterosexual porn—or, more to the point, asexual people viewing any porn (but see chapter 10).

Even while in the throes of sexual acts themselves, sexual people may have some understanding of the feverish madness of sex. Thus, if a heterosexual woman has an exciting new sexual partner and he is nearly all- consuming for her, she may still have, in moments of reflection, some knowledge of how her recent life has turned upside down because of him. An even more extreme example is a married heterosexual man who spends an inordinate amount of time and money on prostitutes. Yet on some level he “knows” that his behavior is irrational. He may even know that he is on the verge of ruining his life, as his job and family life are at stake. Some clinicians, of course, call this kind of sexual behavior an addiction.

Sometimes the madness of sex has little to do with actual behaviors, and more to do with a fantasy that never gets lived out because the object of desire is unattainable. Thus a classmate or colleague at work becomes an obsession; a carefully managed fantasy, perhaps, but at weaker moments the fantasy may leak into, and even disrupt, an otherwise tranquil home life.

I have a very vivid memory of an incident like this on a beach in Australia. I was nestled on a blanket watching the surf, the sand, and the people, when I noted this man, his wife, and their three children making their way onto the beach. They seemed like an average family (if such a thing exists), looking to secure for themselves a bit of beach real estate. Aside from this preoccupation, the man was caught up by the details of his family life, which, it seemed, was not going well this morning and was spilling over, rather noisily, onto the beach. His wife was imploring him to tend to a nagging child complaining about an older sibling, who was, it seemed, a bit of a hitter. The man looked frazzled, haggard, even old, although I bet he wasn’t a day over thirty. Just then, as if he had been doused by cold water, he stopped, and his jaw dropped like a lead weight, because he noticed a topless sunbathing woman—in fact, he almost stepped on her. Evidently, in his eyes, she was gorgeous. His stare was of a man completely taken in—lost, in fact. And you could see that, at that moment, if she got up from her towel and went up to him and asked him if he wanted to spend the night together, he would have chosen to do so eagerly, whatever the consequences to his marriage and family. Clearly, so much of the power—and the madness—of sex are in its possibility, not its actuality. Of course, people often try to keep the madness of sex in check, relegating it to their fantasies, but it is still madness. The Australian story is, of course, a testament to the agony of the wanted but unattainable.

Aside from these anecdotal examples, there is scientific research to support my view on the madness of sex. Indeed, research evidence suggests that people’s cognitive functioning is impaired significantly when preoccupied with sex, even if they are not in the heat of a sexual moment. Heterosexual men primed to think of potential sexual activities (via pictures of beautiful women, fully clothed) have a diminished capacity for a type of rational thought— the ability to plan well for the future (Wilson & Daly, 2004). That is, they “discount” the future. It is as if the future becomes a less-than-plausible reality in the wake of the sexually charged moment. The researchers speculate that the possibility of mating (even if it is an unrealistic prospect, as the men knew they were never going to meet the women) makes men’s minds become too focused on the “mating moment,” as if the future does not matter. The researchers argue that the images of attractive women affect the brain—exciting nerve centers associated with mating, and shutting down more rational, planning-oriented centers—in a similar way as the prospect of real mating. When human brains evolved hundreds of thousands of years ago, there were, of course, no photographs. So, these modern two-dimensional images trick men’s Stone Age minds into responding as if there were actually beautiful women smiling in front of them. The men’s response, then, is doubly irrational: first, they are responding to pictures as if they were reality (no, boys, a real woman has not just beamed into your bedrooms!), and second, they are discounting the future at the prospect of sex.

One could argue that, from a gene-based view of life, the second irrationality—discounting the future at the prospect of sex—does make some “sense,” as the future doesn’t amount to a hill of beans if there is great potential right now to mate and replicate one’s genes. After all, the future is only important if the genetic payoff down the road is plausibly greater than the genetic payoff in the here and now. From this perspective, the “future” (i.e., a long life with plans, schemes, and delays of gratification) only exists as a concept in our minds because it often leads to genetic payoffs. Even so, let’s not forget the main point here: Isn’t it bizarre (and mad!) that the prospect of sex—and a mere image, no less—has the capacity to derail the best laid plans of mice and (particularly) men?[28]

There are other studies showing that sex is linked to various “unhealthy” behaviors (taking physical risks, exposure to infectious diseases, etc.). One study showed that adolescent boys and young men were more likely to take physical risks (e.g., doing crazy tricks) when skateboarding in the presence of an attractive woman, and this effect was caused by elevated testosterone (Ronay & von Hippel, 2010), the hormonal “poison” mentioned earlier. There is also a recent study showing that when women are primed (e.g., given very brief glimpses or reminders) with romantic and sexual themes, they have an increased willingness to engage in unhealthy and risky behaviors, like using risky dieting pills and going to cancer-causing tanning salons (Hill & Durante, 2011). The authors of the study also found that the women felt a diminished sense of vulnerability when mating goals are uppermost in their minds.

People think that our attitudes are rationally formed, the result of well-thought-out arguments and an astute and sensitive scaling of the pros and cons of the issues, along with, of course, accumulated wisdom from years of experience. Yet our attitudes are frequently governed by irrational, emotional states including—yes, you guessed it!—sexual desires. An example: One of the reasons that heterosexual men have negative attitudes toward male homosexuality but not female homosexuality is sexual in nature. Heterosexual men are often turned on by lesbian sex (Louderback & Whitley, 1997), and if one takes this arousal away, heterosexual men’s positive attitude toward lesbianism no longer exists. So, a little sexual desire/arousal toward lesbianism, and presto: positive (or at least neutral) attitudes toward it! After all, how could lesbian sex be wrong, immoral, and disgusting, if I am turned on by it? Impossible!

Ever flown into a jealous rage—just “lost it”—over a partner’s flirtation or outright sexual indiscretion with another? Most adults have experienced sexual jealousy, along with the torturous effects this emotion has on one’s thoughts and plans, even if the emotion itself doesn’t disintegrate into extreme behavior. But sometimes it does: sexual jealousy is considered one of the main motives in killings that occur in domestic disputes within the United States (Daly & Wilson, 1988; Daly, Wilson, & Weghorst, 1982). When a jealous rage does descend into violence, the resulting act is sometimes called a crime of passion. In civil courts in the United States, crimes of passion can be defensible if one pleads “temporary insanity,” making the defendant (at least theoretically) no longer criminally liable. Similarly, in nineteenth-century France, a crime passionnel (or crime of passion), including murder, was defensible in the same way. The fact that the courts in various societies at various