there, but you didn’t delineate it. Why?”
“I’m not a profiler. I’m not even an FBI agent.”
“But you can be. Both. It’s your decision, Lucy. Do you want it enough to fight for it?”
“When I was in Whitney’s room,” Lucy said, “I mentally stepped back. I can’t explain it any other way. It’s like my personality wasn’t in the room, only Whitney’s. I looked at the world through her eyes. In her drawings, everything was perfect-in fact, too perfect. So when she distorted the faces, it was both beautiful and hideous,” Lucy said quietly, “Suzanne and the others didn’t have the same reaction that I did. There aren’t many of us, are there?”
“No, Lucy, there aren’t. I’m happy to hear that you can separate yourself from the scene. That’s not easy to do.”
“I didn’t even try. It just-happened. I’ll appeal the FBI panel’s decision. And if I don’t get in, I’ll be okay. I’ve put it in perspective.”
“I’m pleased. And good work on the case. I’ll see you when you get back to Washington.”
Lucy hung up and walked to the window. The sky had lightened, some blue showing. She felt relieved with her decision.
Lucy’s cell phone rang. “I don’t have a lot of time,” Suzanne said without introduction, “but I wanted you to know I had NYPD check on Dennis and all is well on Staten Island. They’re driving by every hour. We have Wade secure. We’ll find the bitch.”
“Good,” Lucy said.
“Come back and visit sometime. I’ll show you the city.”
“I’d like that. Let me know when you arrest Whitney.”
“Absolutely.” Suzanne hung up.
Sean returned to the room with coffee for Lucy. She smiled. “You didn’t have to get me coffee.”
He kissed her. “Yes I did. Who was that?” He sipped his own drink.
“Suzanne. What’s that?” She gestured to his cup. Sean didn’t like coffee.
“Hot chocolate. Are you ready?”
“Yes. I spoke to Hans. I’m going to appeal.”
“I knew you would.”
“You did?”
He nodded. “Lucy-”
“We’d better go now or we’ll be stuck in traffic when we hit the Beltway.”
“I know, but I need five minutes.”
His serious tone made her anxious. “What’s wrong?”
“Saturday night.”
She sat down heavily on the sofa. What had she done wrong? Or maybe his
He sat down next to her. “What do you think you understand?”
“We all sometimes say things we don’t mean, especially in the heat of the moment, and it’s not going to change anything.” But it would. It would change everything. Because she could no longer trust him.
“Stop it,” Sean said. He put his chocolate down, took her coffee from her grip, and placed it on the glass table. He squeezed her hands and said, “I love you. We’re not in the throes of passionate sex and I can still state emphatically that I love you.”
Butterflies flitted in her stomach. She opened her mouth to tell him she loved him, too, but nothing came out.
He kissed her. “Shh.” He rested his forehead on hers. “This is about the condom. Or that I didn’t have it on. And I have no excuse. I’ve never forgotten, not with you or anyone. And I’m not ready to be a dad. I don’t know if I’ll make a good dad, but if you’re pregnant, don’t expect me to walk away. Understand? Because I love you, and I’ll take the challenge, and-”
Lucy squeezed back tears and turned her head.
“What? Did I say something wrong? Luce-”
“I can’t get pregnant. I can’t have a baby.”
Sean wasn’t expecting that answer. He didn’t know what to say.
“After the attack seven years ago, there was some internal damage. I had surgery. The doctor couldn’t save my uterus.”
She’d lived with this truth for years, but hadn’t thought about it. When she was eighteen, having children had seemed so far away and unreal that it hadn’t affected her, not with everything else she’d had to deal with at the time. And then, she’d been so angry and hurt that she couldn’t even comprehend raising a family in such a violent and brutal world.
But now, for the first time, she felt a wave of loss. She wasn’t ready for a family now-but even so, she’d never have the chance to have one in the future.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
Sean turned her face to his. “Don’t tell me you’re sorry.” He kissed her hard, holding her chin, his hand shaking. “Just, don’t.” His voice cracked. “I love you. That will never change.” He kissed her again.
Lucy held on to Sean. With him, she felt not only strong enough to handle anything, she knew she’d be okay in the end. He was a rock, he didn’t budge, he gave her exactly what she needed even before she knew that she needed anything. In Whitney’s apartment, he had been an unmoving tower of strength, but didn’t coddle her or try to protect her from the cruel truths in Whitney’s drawings or writings. He understood without her telling him that any personal emotions would have undone her, so he let her do what had to be done. And afterward, he was still there, ready to listen or just hold her hand.
“You’re pretty amazing, Sean Rogan,” she said.
“So I’ve been told many times.” He kissed her again, then pulled her to her feet and gave her a tight hug. “You’re pretty incredible yourself, Lucy Kincaid.”
“So I’ve been told,” she said with a smile.
They stood there in the middle of the hotel room holding each other, neither wanting to let go. Lucy felt a peace she couldn’t voice, but didn’t have to.
Several minutes later, she kissed him. “We really should go.”
They grabbed their bags and left the room. In the elevator to the lobby, Lucy said, “Is there a route home that goes over the water instead of under it?”
“Already programmed into my GPS.”
“Thank you.”
“The route goes through Staten Island.”
“Okay.”
“You were upset last night about Dennis Barnett.”
“The interview was hard on him, and he didn’t have anyone to support him afterward. And now Wade is out of prison, but Dennis can’t go see him. And then there’s Whitney Morrissey still out there.”
“Want to stop by? Check up on him?”
“Suzanne sent NYPD over. He’s fine.”
“Do you want to stop by?”
“Do we have time?”
“We’ll make time.”
Wade tried to focus on an ESPN interview with the Yankees coach about the upcoming season, but even baseball couldn’t get his mind off Whitney and all the women she’d killed.
He didn’t care what the FBI agent said; he blamed himself. He had been so damn selfish and blind to who she really was, but thinking about her behavior now, all the signs had been there.
He’d been a fool to sleep with her after Alanna died. He did stupid things when he was drunk.
His cell phone rang. He almost answered it, but Agent Hansen shook her head and took the phone from him.
