If I Should Die

“It’s the rudder,” he said. “We have to land. Look for a road, an open field. No trees.”

They were heading northwest and a small lake was directly beneath them. The sun was gone, they were flying in the twilight, and Lucy had a hard time distinguishing the terrain without any outside lights to point her to a road.

“Lucy, anything! I need to get her down while I still have some control.” The propeller sputtered and Noah flipped a switch rapidly until it came back on.

Lucy saw a dirt road just the other side of the lake heading back toward the town. “On the left.”

Noah glanced. “Twenty degrees left. I don’t know if I can turn the plane.”

As he moved the stick to go left the plane dipped precariously.

“Bad idea,” he said.

“I don’t see another road.”

“I’m aiming for the field.”

He couldn’t regain the control he’d had before he attempted the turn, and they were dropping fast.

Lucy sat in the co-pilot seat, buckled in, gripping the strap hanging from the ceiling. Though Noah was tense, he had an aura of calm command even as the plane continued to fall. He worked the panel of switches and buttons like a master musician. There was a waxing crescent moon, hardly reflecting any light, but because the sky was cloudless and there was still a hint of light on the western horizon, she could make out the edges of the trees. The field was shorter than a football field with trees lined on the far end.

If Sean were landing under these conditions, he’d be talking to make both himself and her less nervous. Even when he was fully alert and in crisis, Sean always appeared relaxed and casual. Yet he had the same confidence that Noah had.

She missed Sean’s manner. She could almost hear him saying, “It’ll get a little bumpy, Princess, but it’s no problem for a Rogan.”

Noah said, “Get ready.”

He had to turn the plane slightly to make it to the field and not hit the lake. The plane protested, sputtered, and fell three stories. Lucy’s stomach rose and she tightened her grip. Noah leveled off for a few seconds, the tops of trees scraping the bottom of the plane, a thick branch hitting the front window. Lucy bit back a scream.

They touched the ground faster and sooner than she expected, and she bit her tongue. Blood filled her mouth and her eyes watered. She swallowed, her stomach queasy.

The plane bumped up, then came down hard. Noah held the controls firmly, trying to give no yield to the plane’s natural momentum to turn or spin, but it was a battle between machine and nature and man, and they were losing, two against one.

The field was rocky and rutted, and they didn’t roll, they bounced, coming down hard again. Lucy’s head hit the side window. The window behind her that had been shot earlier shattered, the sound startling her, and this time she did scream. She couldn’t hear herself over the noise of the plane.

Lucy had faced death before. While fear had been there, so had resolve and the will to live. Each time she’d had choices to make, and while her decision could have had a tragic ending, she was still in control. Having control kept her from panicking.

She had no illusion of control tonight. She could die, and it wouldn’t be because she’d made the wrong decision, but fate. She could die, and Sean would never know she loved him.

He knows. He tells you often enough that you love him.

But he needed to hear it from her. Deep down, she knew he was waiting for it, insecure because she couldn’t admit the depth of her feelings. Her nightmares now weren’t just about her past. They were about losing Sean. Her fears held more power because they weren’t just about her anymore, they were about them.

The plane lurched up again and Lucy saw her real fears, the ones she kept buried, in their full light: loss, loneliness, helplessness.

She had been so alone, even with her family surrounding her, until Sean walked into her life and taught her how to live and laugh. She was no longer lonely, in the deep, weary existence she’d had for years.

Love was a risk. Sean made it look so easy when he told her I love you. Yet when she looked at him, he was waiting. He was scared she didn’t love him back, no matter how confident he was that she did. He needed her to admit it, because he knew she wouldn’t lie.

She had to tell him.

She had to first survive.

The plane hit a boulder and forced them to an immediate stop, but the momentum kept the tail end going and she was looking at the ground through the front window. Then the plane continued to turn, and it hit the ground hard, upside down, and stopped.

She waited a minute, unsure if the plane was still moving, her heart racing, blood dripping from her mouth and head, her body bruised.

But she was alive.

“Lucy!”

“I’m okay.”

“We need to get out.” Noah undid his harness and turned himself around so he was squatting, his feet on the ceiling. “Shield your eyes.”

He kicked at the door and it released.

Lucy fumbled with her harness, but her fingers weren’t working right. She couldn’t see what she was doing. Noah reached over and with one hand released the lock. She would have fallen on her head, but Noah took her under her arms and pulled her out.

“I’m okay,” she repeated.

“You’re bleeding and disoriented and shaking.”

“Sorry,” she said automatically.

He leaned her against the plane and said, “Sit for a minute. I’m going to grab what I can.”

Her heart was racing and her hands were shaking as she brushed her hair away from her face and came away with blood.

Noah was at her side a minute later and took her hand. She tried to focus on him. “Lucy?”

“Fine,” she said, her voice sounding as though she were speaking in a tunnel. “I’m fine.”

He squeezed her hand.

“We can take a minute.” He sat in front of her. “Let me look at that cut.”

He shined a light in her face. “Good reaction, but you might have a mild concussion. I know I do.” He opened a familiar black duffel bag. “Sean always comes prepared,” he said. “Emergency supplies, extra guns, ammo. Black clothing-he even has a jacket in your size. And of course a first aid kit.”

He took gauze and wiped the blood from her face, folded it, poured water on it, and wiped more. He then found a clean piece of gauze and said, “Hold this against the cut. I’m going to try to find a phone, then we have to go. They’ll be able to find us real quick.”

He stood and looked at the upside-down plane. “I don’t think Sean will ever let me drive his car now.”

Noah stepped away and Lucy smiled at his joke. She searched her pockets for her phone, but didn’t find it.

In the distance, she thought she heard dogs.

“Noah?” she called.

He was already rounding the plane. “I heard them. We have to get out of here.”

He handed her a gun from the duffel. “I can’t find our phones, but there’s a radio in the bag and when we find cover, I’ll call this in.”

He strapped the duffel to his back and pulled Lucy up. Her legs buckled and Noah caught her. “Okay?” he said.

She nodded. Noah wrapped his arm around her waist and helped support her as she started walking. “You just need to get your landlegs back,” he said.

The dogs were getting closer, and now Lucy saw lights as well, but they were still on the other side of the lake. Once they reached the downed plane the dogs would pick up their scent.