I couldn't hide my frustration. How could she not have mentioned this
before? I'd let Grace make me feel bad about the police poking around
in Clarissa's life, and it turns out there was something to discover
after all.
'I didn't know what to say earlier. That first night, he was standing
right there and was so upset; I couldn't mention it. Then when the
police told us they found Clarissa's body, I was with my parents. I
know the police were asking about her marriage, but I didn't want to
say anything in front of them.'
'So whom was she seeing?' I asked.
'That's the thing. I don't even know. She never told me. But she
told me a few weeks ago and she made me swear up and down I would never
tell anyone that she had fallen in love with someone else. She said
she wanted to leave Townsend. I was shocked.'
'Do you know if she actually started the process of leaving him? Did
she tell Townsend or go to a lawyer?'
'I don't know. I think I made her angry. She wanted me to support her
and be happy for her, and I was crummy.'
'How so?' I asked.
''What about your marriage? How could you cheat on Townsend? Why
don't you try counseling?' That kind of stuff. I felt really bad when
she said she only told me because she thought she could depend on me. I
tried to stop being judgmental after that, but I think the damage was
already done.'
'She didn't tell you anything more?'
'No. I tried to get her to tell me who he was, but she refused. She
wouldn't even tell me where she met him. We mostly talked about how
she was afraid to be alone. She wanted to leave Townsend to be with
this other person, but she wasn't sure he was prepared to be with her.
I got the impression he might have been married too, like he wasn't
necessarily in a position to live happily ever after with her. But she
didn't want to keep living with Townsend when she was in love with
someone else, so we talked about how she felt about being on her
own.'
'And did she come to any decision?'
'I think her mind was already made up; it was just a matter of when. We
talked about how I adjusted after my husband left me. That was
different, though. I have two kids, so my hands were too full to
permit a meltdown. She was picturing herself alone at night with
nothing to do and wondering how she'd get through it. Clarissas one of
those women who's always been with someone.'
I knew that feeling. I had been one of those people before my divorce.
Now I don't know what ever made me feel like I could live with anyone
but Vinnie.
I poked and prodded with more questions, but Tara didn't know anything
else about Clarissa's extramarital activities.
'Do you think she told Susan? I got the impression they were like
this,' I said, crossing my fingers, 'but Susan hasn't mentioned this
either.'
'They are I mean, they were.' She was still getting used to the past
tense. 'In some ways they were more like real sisters than Clarissa
and I were. If anything, they were almost too close, if that makes any
sense. I think Clarissa came to me because I was less likely to
challenge her. Clarissa always felt she owed it to Susan to live up to
her expectations. Family's supposed to love you unconditionally,
right?'
I could tell she was wondering whether she'd lived up to that
obligation. 'I'm sure she knew you did, Tara.' It was my best effort,
but it sounded no better than the shallow things people said to me when
my mother died.
'I hope so.'
'What do you mean about Clarissa living up to Susan's expectations?'
'That's a bit of an overstatement. I don't always choose my words very
well. I think Clarissa wanted to be more like Susan.
It's been that way since they met in sixth grade. Some girl threw gum
in Clarissa's hair on the bus, and Clarissa was afraid to stick up for
herself. Susan was the new kid in school from California, and everyone
else was avoiding her. But when this girl threw gum at Clarissa, Susan
without saying a word to Clarissa followed her off the bus and told her
she'd kick her butt if she ever messed with Clarissa again. From that
point on, they were friends, but Susan was always looking out for
Clarissa. I don't think that dynamic ever went away.'
'But if Susan took care of Clarissa, why wouldn't Clarissa confide in
her about something like leaving Townsend?'
'I don't think I'm explaining it well. Susan wouldn't have just
listened to Clarissa, which I think is what Clarissa wanted from me.
